Friday, June 30, 2006

Happy Friday

I am so swamped at work today, I really don't have time to even post this. Regardless, I just wanted you all to know that I'm alive and well!
Hubby got fully moved out yesterday, so I guess that's the end of that!! Like I said, I'm very surprised at how well I'm taking everything. I think I've finally just numbed myself to the whole situation. I really don't know. But, for once in my life, I don't want to over-analyze it.
It's "go with the flow" time!!
Love You All!! Hope you have a safe and wonderful weekend!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 06.29.06

Having found some sort of new found "hope" in my life, (if that's what you want to call it), I decided to do another instrospective post, which aims to represent me stepping from one part of my life into the next exciting chapter.... and whatever it may bring. Let's all pray that it's something good!! I couldn't decide between the two pictures, or the editing, so you get a bonus shot!!!! Damn - life must be good!!!

Happy HNT Everybody!!
I hope you all have a wickedly sexy day!!!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I'm Back

Used this pic before, but this time it means something good!!!

Hey everybody!! Sorry it's taken me so long to post. I'm doing OK!!! Much better than I ever expected. What a difference a few days makes. I came back to work today, instead of taking the whole week off!! So, I don't have alot of time to post right now, but promise I'll give you all (well, maybe not all) of the details later on today!!!

I think I've reached a turning point - and man, does it feel good!!! Not saying that everything is great and I'll never worry about anything again - but something happened to me this weekend that just makes me want to say screw everything that I've been worrying about and look towards whatever might happen. It can't possibly get any worse, right??

Hope that little tidbit of info keeps you all on your toes!!!!


Friday, June 23, 2006

It's Friday.....Whatever

So, my brother-in-law left to go back to Afghanistan this morning. I know it was so hard for him and my sister....Melly too!! I hate that they are having to go through this, but at least they have each other. I'm still as lonely as hell.

Anyway, we all went to the baseball game last night. My firm has third row seats behind home plate, so it was pretty sweet. I was pretty much depressed the entire night, but did manage to take a few pictures.

I love that little gap between Melly's teeth - I think it's cute as a button.

Bella pretty much slept through the entire game. It was pretty comical.

New Little Family! I think Melly was feeling a little left out last night. I told her that I knew exactly how she felt, and we shared a little giggle. Ah...the innocence of five year olds!!!

My Dad and I were trying to teach Melly how to heckle the players. She's pretty good at it!!!

Melly, Mom, Daddy, Me, Ryan, Em, and Bella.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to my bro-in-law last night. I thought they were walking out with my parents, but they got separated. I felt terrible. I sent him a text message, but never got a response. I'm not really even sure if he likes me. Oh well, he married into this family. Get over it. LOL!!
Well, cross your fingers for me. I'm off all next week. I get to sit and watch my hubby and best friend of almost 13 years pack the remainder of his things and walk away from me forever. It should be a blast!!!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 06.22.06

Well, as you all know, I haven't been in the mood to post lately. The funny thing is, whenever I'm snapping pictures for HNT, I kinda forget about everything else. However, my mood of late, definitely influences the pictures I take, and eventually, the picture I end up choosing. The one I'm posting today, is as usual, probably the worst one I took last night - it's a little blurry. But, for some reason, I was drawn to it, even though it makes my legs look a body builder's, which they are not. Who knows.
Anyway, I hope you all have a great Day Before Friday!
Happy HNT!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


I'm on vacation next week! I would be excited, except that I get to spend the entire week watching hubby move the rest of his and my step-daughter's things out! Way to relax, right? I'm so drained, I can't even post. I'll just put up some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Look at her hands!!! Daddy says they're perfect guitar hands! LOL
Also notice how big the "binky" is - that gives you an idea of how small she is.
Sleeping Beauty.
Well, if this one isn't enough to make you cry, try the next one!!
Absolute perfection!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Nothing new to report. Still struggling with getting out of bed in the morning. Things were much better when I could dive into work. However, after getting royally screwed by them, this is the last place I feel like being. My motivation and productivity have gone out the window - along with my optimism.
The one thing I used to be able to say about myself, was that no matter what was going on, I knew I would get through it. I had faith in God, in my family and in my friends. Now, I don't feel like I even have that. I'm pissed off because of how disillusioned I feel. I am seriously considering packing my bags and making a new start somewhere else. I couldn't possibly feel any more alone, so why not move? I'm going to lose my house and everything else I've worked for, my phone hasn't rang, and basically nobody gives a shit, so why should I?
I hate what this situation is doing to me. I see it happening, but I'm powerless to stop it. I have lost interest in everything, which I know is a sign of depression. I've tried counseling in the past, and I just don't want to go there again. It's not for me. I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting on anyone's site lately, especially because you have all been here for me. It's not that I don't care. All of the best things about me.....I'm losing. My compassion and caring for others, always wanting to be there for everyone, to make their lives better - I'm done. It has gotten me absolutely no where. Don't get me wrong, I've never done for others because I wanted something in's just finally dawning on me that I have no one in my life that does that for me. No One!! Man, that really hurts.
So....should I stay or should I go?

Friday, June 16, 2006

God? Do You Have To Kick Me While I'm Down?

Well, the hits keep on comin'!

I had my review/evaluation at work yesterday. My actual anniversary date was back in April, so I was also expecting retroactive pay for my raise on my next check. Well, apparently, when I got my promotion back in January (with a slight raise), our office manager made a mistake and put my raise at way more than it should have been. Of course, they just noticed this last week when they were going over my "new" raise with the Exectutive Committee. So, after receiving glowing comments about what a fabulous job I'm doing, I was informed that not only am I not getting a raise, but my pay is getting cut by roughly $2.40 an hour to make up for her mistake. WTF???
This new development has sent me over the edge. There is no way I can obtain financing for my house now. So, on top of being screwed over by my employer, I'm going to lose my house and proceed down "broke as a Joe" street.
Oh, yeah, did I mention that my heating and air conditioning unit is blown, my built-in microwave blew up and my Dad mistakenly erased the 170 + pictures I had saved on my camera from the last year?
I really and truly give up!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 06.15.06

So....I've been MIA for a few days and have gotten quite a few emails from some of my regular readers inquiring as to whether I am OK. Well, the answer is "NO". I don't want to get too deep and personal on the mother of all weekdays, but this HNT requires some background. If your a HNT visitor only to this blog, you can skip past really doesn't matter anyway.
I have officially hit the lowest point of my entire (albiet, "mid-middle") life. Almost everyone who visits here, knows that I started this blog when my hubby and I separated, after being together almost 13 years. I thought that was the lowest point of my life. WRONG!! Alot of the day to day things that happen to me, I don't always share, because I get tired of whining. I'm just at a REAL honest-to-God crossroads in my life, and I'm scared as hell. After the separation, I dove into a new "life", with new "friends", and basically changed my entire life. I lost my past, when I lost my husband. Now, after this weekend, I've lost my new life, and my new "friends". I have been kidding myself all this time. I'm not going to be generous with any details right now - like I said in my last post, I am so done with all this shit.
I have my family, but with my brother-in-law here from Afghanistan and the new baby, I don't want to rain on their parade. But, my so-called new "friends"? Whatever. Honestly, right now, nobody can make me feel better. There's nothing anybody can do. I feel utterly alone, and kinda pissed off. I wonder where all of the people are, that I've been there for in the past? Why hasn't anyone called me in over two weeks to see how I'm doing?
So to put things bluntly, my HNT says it all. It's a two-parter.
This is my represenation of how I feel. I'm dying on the inside, but the people around me usually see a calm, together, person. I've always lived my life this way. Never putting myself first; always worrying and trying to help everyone else.

And for those people who have let me down so bad lately:
here's a
Kiss My Ass picture.

I'm sorry for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about. I just had to vent!!

Monday, June 12, 2006

bLaH BlAh bLaH

Sometimes, I really wish I could be the type of person who just let things roll off her back, who didn't care about anyone but myself, and who could just spend ONE day not worrying about everything.

This weekend was another episode in the Saga that is my life. I don't even feel like posting about it. I'm just so over myself and everything in my life.

Friday, June 09, 2006

A Soldier Comes Home & A Baby Is Born

There has been alot going on the last few days, which I'm grateful for, because it takes my mind off my own troubles.
The Army was able to get my brother-in-law home from Afghanistan for the birth of his daughter, with only a day to spare. We are so appreciative to everyone who had a hand in getting him here. I wish he had more time at home than two weeks, but at least he made it!
Of course, we made a big spectacle at the airport, and he was embarrassed!! His Dad flew in from Connecticut to be here, and of course, my parents, me, my sister, and Melly were all there to welcome him home.
Isn't that enough to break your heart??
Melly was so excited!!
My sister could hardly breathe!!
The happy family reunited.
We went to his favorite Mexican restaurant to celebrate!!
Bright and early the next morning, it was off to the hospital for the birth of the baby. After inducing labor first thing in the morning, it wasn't until shortly before 7:00 p.m. EST, that Isabella Olivia made her debut, weighing in at 5 lbs. 4 ozs. (Just barely enough for my sister to be able to take her home.) What a huge relief!!!
Daddy, baby and the new Big Sister!!!
World's Greatest Aunt!!
I promise to get some better pictures. When these were taken, she was less than 30 minutes old!!!!
Thank you Lord for blessing my family with this new addition. We are forever grateful!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 06.08.06

This is my introspective piece. With all that is going on in my life right now, I decided to create a picture showing my two "selves". The person I used to be and the person I am today. My use of exaggerated color represents the blurred line between the two.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Another Lonely Night...and Some Other Stuff

This post is a rambling mish-mash of things from last night and from last weekend. My mind is in no shape to put any coherent thought together, so just try and deal with it.

I got home from work last night and did nothing but mope on the couch and watch TV. Of course, it seemed like everything I watched had all of these mushy couples on it, that made me want to puke. The funny thing was, that as I was sitting there trying not to cry and get all hysterical, I heard the phrase "mind blowing" on four different shows, (House, M.D., Sex in the City, Open House on HGTV, and Kathy Griffin on BRAVO), in four different contexts. How freaky is that??
On to other things:
My brother-in-law should be home from Afghanistan today!! I know that my sister will be so happy! I am so excited for her, but at the same time, when I see them reunited, it's just going to make me remember how I've lost everything. I know it's selfish, and I know that I'm only human - I just hate feeling that way. We're still not sure whether the baby will be born tomorrow or Friday, but I've taken both days off work, to make sure I'll be there.
Last Saturday, was Melly's first t-ball game. Let me start by saying that there is no way I could be a t-ball coach, I just don't have the patience. It was funny as hell though. None of them were paying any attention to the game. One kid was laying down in the grass. LOL!!! Melly was the first up to bat, and she scored their first homerun! Whoo Hoo. We were screaming so loud, that she was holding her ears as she ran across home plate.
What a trip!!
On Sunday, I went with a couple of girls from work to Churchill Downs again. It was the MicroBrew Festival and they had a bunch of bands playing in the infield. Diamond Rio was there, along with Rodney Atkins, who has a hit single out right now. I didn't realize how hot he was until I met him. Whew!!!! He told me I had beautiful eyes. I wonder if he's single? Let's face it, any man who can compliment you after you've been standing in the heat for six hours, with sweaty hair and no make-up, is a keeper!!! LOL
After the concerts, I went home to my empty house and had another breakdown. But, my puppies were there to cheer me up and lick my tears, literally. I had to bribe them with food for them to both sit still long enough for me to snap a shot of them. Aren't they the cutest?
This next one is my favorite! It looks like they're talking to each other.
That's all for now - sorry about this disaster of a post.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Question For My Male Readers

Yesterday, while I was at work, I get a call from Hubby saying that he was going to go over to the house and get some more of his things. I just love how he decides to call me at work and ruin my day. But, that's beside the point.
I called him back and asked him if he would stop by after I got home and show me how to "juice up" our air conditioning unit, because that was always his job. I'm saving up for a new one, but for now, we have to give it a charge every couple of months. Anyway, he said that would be fine and that he would be over around 5:30 p.m.
So, I rush home from work and wait.....and wait.....and wait. I knew he was just being an asshole by not showing up until 7:30 p.m., but that's OK, because I'm used to it. He pulls in the driveway and goes straight to the backyard where the unit is. He then proceeds to come in to check the air flow, goes back outside a few times, the whole time not saying a word to me. Don't get me wrong, I know he's divorcing me, but we've always been able to carry on a conversation. Hell, he was fine on the phone just a few hours earlier. So, like an idiot, I try to talk to him anyway. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he just "didn't want to talk to me". He actually seemed really angry at me. Who knows why. I think it's easier for him to act like a dickhead then to actually show some feelings - is that the game all men play???
Anyway, after doing everything he can to push me away, yet again, he heads out the door to leave. But before he gets in his truck to leave, he takes my garbage out for me. WTF??? Where I live, we have to pay for garbage pick-up, so hubby always just took it to his work and threw it in the dumpster to save us some money. So, he actually takes the time to load up three bags of garbage to dump for me. While this is no big romantic gesture, it just makes no sense to go out of his way like that, when he won't even look at me or speak to me.
I mean, if he was so mad at me that he couldn't even say hello, why did he come over to fix the air conditioning. He didn't even show ME how to do it, he just did it on his own, and then to top it all off, he does something nice without me even asking.
Am I supposed to understand how his mind works??? Can anyone else explain it to me?
I'm just trying to keep the small amount of sanity that I have left.

Monday, June 05, 2006

One Day At A Time

I'm trying. I'm really trying.

I'm depressed.

I'm exhausted.

I'm lonely.

I'm sorry.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Heartbreak Hotel.....Oh...And Some Good News

Let's start with the good news!!! They are going to wait to take the my sister's baby until either Thursday or Friday of this coming week. The good news is that my sister's OB was able to get in touch with the Red Cross, who, in turn, contacted my bro-in-law's seargant in Afghanistan. They were able to rearrange some flight plans and he will be able to make it here for the birth! Whoo Hoo for them!!!
On to the heartbreak.....hubby came to my house last night around midnight, because he had decided that was the perfect time to start packing the rest of his things. Why does my heart feel like it's been ripped from my chest? It's not like I didn't know this was coming. It's been a year and a half. What have I been clinging to??? I just went to bed and tried to sleep. It didn't work.
I wake up this morning at 6:15 a.m., only to find him in our bedroom cleaning out the rest of his drawers. Is there any reason this had to be done at the crack of dawn??? I left and came down here to work. I can't take it. I just don't understand why I'm freaking out. I'm smart, and strong-willed - so why am I feeling so absolutely desperate??
I really don't think I can handle this. It's all hitting me again and I don't know how to deal with it.
My heart and soul are screaming.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Waiting for Baby

I haven't posted much about this lately, but my sister has been going to a neonatal specialist for the last few weeks. The doctors are concerned that Isabella isn't growing the way she should be. They thought they were going to take the baby earlier this week, but decided to wait to run more tests this morning. I'm waiting on the phone call right now. If they decide to take the baby, I'm on my way to the hospital. I watched Melly come into this world, and there is no way in hell I'm going to miss this one.
Of course, this is one of the busiest days at the office I've had in a while. Figures.
Naturally, my sister and brother-in-law are freaking out, because he scheduled his leave from Afghanistan to coincide with the birth of the baby, which wasn't supposed to be for another month. Now, not only did he miss her pregnancy, but he's going to miss the birth too!! Can't anyone in my family ever catch a break?? [insert violin music here]
Here is the last ultrasound they took of Bella. These are the lastest in 3D pictures. I cannot believe how clear it is - you can even see her eyelashes. I told my sister that she looks like she's going to come out fighting because she's got her muscle flexed. WAY TOO COOL!!!
Keep your fingers crossed!
I hope that you all have a fabulous weekend!
Faith, Hope, & Love - Jen

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 06.01.06

Well, I'm definitely getting braver (as far as my own self-esteem), as the weeks go by!
I took alot of different shots last night, and was going to go with an introspective picture today, but decided to go with this one instead.
I hope you all have a wickedly sexy day!