Thursday, September 20, 2007

HNT - Real Women Have Curves Edition

I experienced technical difficulties last night while trying to post my HNT this week, so I had to wait until this morning to go through the archives of my photo sessions. I found one I think you will enjoy. I have never posted this before, so it's just as good as new!!! LMAO

Things have been going well. Only two days left of work until I start the new job. I'm so excited about it. Now, all I have to do is get my man to fall so madly in love with me, that he won't ever want to move out. (See last HNT post.) ;o)

I hope everyone is doing well!!

Much Love, As Always - Jencurvy XO

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Just Checking In.....

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and words of encouragement on my last post. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to try and help!!
I do have some good news for a change!! I FINALLY got a new job. I start next Tuesday!!! Whoo Hoo!!! More money and - NOW - I have health insurance!!
Hopefully, this is a sign of better things to come!!! I could really use it.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

HNT - What in the Hell Am I Doing? Edition

Where do I start? I've had so much going through my head, and so many things happening lately, that I honestly, for once, don't know what to say. Be prepared for one my most rambling messes to date!

Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Most of the time, I know I am.

Most too often lately, I've been getting this sudden overwhelming feeling of panic. Like I just wanted to get up and run....but I don't know where.....or from what.

I know that over the last year or so, I haven't been writing too many of my personal thoughts down, or too much about what I've been up to. So here goes.....

About a year and a half ago, when I was going through my divorce, and after the whole Bryan disaster, [those of you who have been around awhile, know what I'm talking about], I met someone. He, too, was going through a divorce. And I thought my ex-husband was nuts??? His ex-wife is a calculated, manipulating psycho. But she has nothing to do with this, except for the fact that she ruined him, just like most women do to the men I end up with.

Anyhoo....I met him while I was going through the whole back-and-forth thing about whether or not to keep my house. He also had a house that he was trying to sell (in a different County). It's a long story as to why he wasn't living in his own house at the time. That's his story to tell, not mine. Anyway, long story short, he needed a place to live and I needed a roommate. So, he moved in and I kept my house. Of course, we both thought we were nuts because we had just gotten out of long relationships/marriages, and there we were, dating for two and a half months and then....BAM...moving in together. I know.....I don't have to say it. But, you must also know that we had both been separated from our respective spouses for almost a year before we met, so this is not something that happened immediatley after the break up of our marriages.

Not too say this wasn't a good thing. I mean I was happy as hell, and we get along perfectly. So what's the problem, you ask?

I fell and I fell HARD. More so than I ever felt with my ex-husband. Just like I said I wasn't going to. He had told me when he moved in that he eventually wanted to buy another house of his own (after his sold). I can understand that. I mean, I've fought tooth and nail to keep my house, so how can I begrudge him that? It just hurts my feelings so bad that after living together for over a year now, we're going to be taking this huge step backwards. Of course, he doesn't see it this way. It's not like we're breaking up or anything, he tells me. And I know that. It's just hard to imagine having him here every night, to all of sudden living alone again, but with us still being together. It's just stupid if you ask me. Why go through the expense of having two households to run??? I mean, it's not even like he wants "us" to live together in his new house. He just wants a place of his own. (Enter the psycho ex-wife.....) He just wants somewhere that no one can try and kick him out of. You know the drill.

Anyway, it gets worse.

When we first met, he was on the fence about future marriage and/or kids. I mean, it's not like we talked about anything seriously, because we were both just getting divorced. But at the same time, I'm at the age now, where I don't want to waste my time on something that's going nowhere. You know what I mean?

It's not like I'm on the baby train or anything, but I would like to know that the option is there if we are still together in the future. Over the course of our relationship, he has started to lean on no marriage or kids. Again...I know - I know!

Everyone who knows me, tells me I'm insane to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to marry me, have kids with me, or hell.....even live with me. But again, we are the only two people in this relationship, and there's tons more to it. I'm not a completely naive idiot. I don't need a ring on my finger to know that someone is committed to me. And, as his lover and his friend, I know him better than anyone. We spend every waking moment together, and have done so since we met.

So, why do I feel so devastated? This isn't any big surprise to me.

I think that panic that I feel is me realizing that time is ticking away and I guess I'm not sure what I'm doing. We love each other, but he doesn't want the things I want. Hell, I'm not even sure what I want! Sometimes I yearn for a baby so bad, I can't stand it. Other times, I just feel like it's not in the cards for me, and I'm okay with that. But, when Jack died so suddenly a few weeks ago, I really started to freak out. I know that life is too short, so why am I wasting mine??

Please don't get on here and bash him. None of this is his fault. He's been completely honest with me from the beginning. I'm such an idiot for thinking I could love him enough for him to change his mind. I went through this same thing with my husband. I waited EIGHT years before we were married, and I feel like I'm too old to do this shit again.

He is the perfect mixture of everything I want in someone. He's kind and generous. He's loving and affectionate. He's funny as hell......and I think he's totally sexy. What else could I possibly need??

We have such a great life here together with my two dogs, who he absolutely adores. My family loves him. He loves spending time with me. So, why am I so fuckin mad at him? For telling me the truth? Maybe it's because I feel like his psycho ex-wife was good enough to marry, so why am I not?? Just because their marriage was terrible (as was mine), doesn't mean that ours would be. And, I'm not even trying to rush into marriage. It's just that if I know he never wants that, why am I still here?

It's like the same things I love about him, also make me furious sometimes. He is very independent, which I love. But, at the same time I get upset sometimes when he doesn't want to do things with me. I guess because we've basically done everything together since we met. He is extremely career oriented and is basically on call 24/7. But, at the same, I get tired of coming in second all the time. He travels alot for work, and sometimes doesn't get to call me alot while he's gone. I can understand that. I really can. But, sometimes I feel like surely there is SOME point in the day when he could at least call periodically to see how I'm doing.
Before I end this tirade, I just want to say that I totally trust him. I know for the people on the outside, they may have all kinds of scenarios running throught their minds, about his lack of commitment to the future. Trust me, I've thought of them all!!
I've just felt such a connection with him. More than anyone I've ever been with. We have this sort of weird unspoken bond between us that makes me feel so good. We can communicate with just a look. We finish each other's sentences. And most of all, we ENJOY each other.
I think I'm just freaking out. I don't know why I can't just sit back and see how it unfolds. Why I always have to be in a huge rush for everything. I guess because of what I said earlier. I was with my ex-husband for almost 14 years, and you see where that got me???

Basically, all I can say is that I love him. That I want to be with him. And, I really have no idea what else to say.

I know I'm rambling, but this is my first post in a long time, and I've got a lot on my mind. Please forgive this chaotic mess.


Anyway, I know this picture will be pretty disappointing, considering I've haven't done HNT in two weeks, but this picture basically sums up this post.

My two newest tattoos represent FAITH & HOPE. Those are the things I have always relied on, and I will continue to do so.
Hope everyone is doing well!!
Much Love, As Always - jINSANE XO