Thursday, October 06, 2005

I Had An Epiphany.....Sort Of....


So...for those of you who are new to my freaky blog...I'll recap real quick. I had a life altering moment back in February of this year, which caused the demise of my 12 year relationship with my husband. I am still in shock, mainly because I have chosen to push it all to the back of my mind and live life day-to-day. BIG MISTAKE. Our relationship was a strange one. I am the type of person who wants to make everyone's life better, usually at the expense of myself. I'm not saying that I'm a martyr, I just always put myself last. I then came to realize after all of these years that I had no friends of my own and nothing that I could really call "mine", because I had spent our entire life together being around "his" friends and doing "his" things. I even welcomed his 14 year old daughter into our home and she started to live with us full time (granted, I've been in her life since she was 2 years old). When one of my close friends went into rehab, I started hanging out at the "blog famous" Tam's, which is where she worked. I would go there to check on her progress, etc. I fell in love with everyone there. These people quickly became "my" friends and this bar was "my" place. I finally had something that was all mine. Not that I didn't still love Hubby, but I really enjoyed going to this place and talking to these people. It got to the point where I would rather be there than at home. Not that I was unhappy or anything, I just wanted to relish this new thing that I found. One person that I came to adore was my friend, BW. He is just like me in the sense that he is a genuinely caring person. I'm not saying that Hubby is some terrible person or anything, it's just that BW sees things alot like I do. I enjoyed spending time with him and really enjoyed our conversations. He was my best friend. Then everything changed and that's what started the mess with Hubby.
Anyway....back to the present....
Now...10 months later....BW is still around for me. I can't give him what he wants right now because of all of the loose ends with my marriage. Including, but not limited to, my feelings for Hubby. When Hubby threw me out of our house and filed for divorce, I just ran away from it all, and dove into BW's life. Isn't that what I just stated above...that I did with Hubby? I'm starting to freak out, and it's about time. I was beginning to think that I had lost all emotion or caring about anything. Am I going to regret just "letting" my marriage go? Am I going to regret jumping headfirst into another relationship where my life centers around the person I'm with? The difference between these two...is that BW wants to center his life around mine and Hubby never did. I have so many things going through my head, I don't know what to do. I'm scared of starting over again after all of the hard work and effort I put into my marriage with Hubby. Yet at the same time, BW does not deserve to be hurt, even though he knew what he was getting into. It is not in my heart to deliberately hurt someone. I would rather stick a needle in my eye. Yet, I am finding it extremely difficult to imagine my life without either of them. And as the days click off the calendar, it gets harder and harder. I miss my old life, but I really enjoy my new life too. I know I can't have them both. If I was to work out my marriage with Hubby, I would have to give up my friends at Tam's (and, of course, BW.) He's made that clear....and I can understand why. But then, I'm right back where I started, with nothing that's just mine. If I don't, I'm essentially giving up on my marriage without even trying. I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!! I'm the person that everyone comes to with their problems. I'm usually the stable one who thinks clearly. So....if I'm the go-to person, who do I go to? I know that when it is all said and done, I have to make the decision, but I just CAN'T and it is scaring the living hell out of me. Please help. Somebody??? Anybody??????

7 Comments:

Blogger cityman05 Opined...

Girl, your life sounds just as complicated as mine. Ain't life a trip.

My quote of the day was, "Life is what happens when you are making plans."

So true.

October 06, 2005 6:09 PM  
Blogger Amber Opined...

Hi. Just found your blog and I'd like to say that I know what you mean. I woke up one day and realized I'd given my life over to anyone and everyone else. My EX, my 'friends', my family. I walked away and have been in hiding ever since. I'm on the comeback trail now tho, and hoping I can hold it together without disappearing into someone else again, so I know what you mean. I don't have any advice other than, don't do it if you don't want to. If I followed that more often I'd be a lot happier.

October 10, 2005 4:56 PM  
Blogger Aymster Opined...

If you've invested a long time in your marriage, then maybe it's not worth giving it all up. On the flip side, it seems you found people who really make you happy and a good friend you don't want to loose.

Being torn in two directions isn't easy. This is a hard choice because either way, someone will get hurt. You have to look into your future see what's going to be good for you in the long run. You have to do what's best for you not someone else. You say you like to make others happy but in this case you need to put yourself first and do what makes YOU happy. Dig deep down, you'll find it.

I've never been married but in a 3yr relationship. I had my own friends and he had his. We understood that we needed to have something of our own. But we would also do things with eachother's friends. Maybe if you showed your husband why you enjoy being around your friends, he will enjoy it too, because he should be happy with whatever makes you happy.

I think what's important in any relationship is compromise. If you explain to your husband this void you are feeling and what's you needed to fill it, maybe he will see where you are coming from and see this as something he needs in his life as well (maybe hanging with the guys and watching the game). No one knows your relationship better than you. You will find your answer.

Good luck to you!

October 11, 2005 2:24 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Thanks guys, for all of your wonderful comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to try to help. I'll keep you posted on my progress. ;o)

October 11, 2005 9:27 AM  
Blogger xfilipponex Opined...

the only thing i can say is what ive already told you...don't worry about making anyone else happy or what anyone else thinks...do what makes YOU happy, in the end everyone else will come around..but you already know i'm with what ever decision you make...but don't stay with someone who doesn't treat you right, 100% of the time...it's not right to do that to yourself!

October 11, 2005 11:04 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

I know...I know....it's just so damn hard to let it all go. Love You!

October 11, 2005 11:13 AM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

You were right when you noted on my blog. We are in a boat so close to identical it is scary. Other than the reasons you became unhappy in your marriage, we have done the same thing, other than me making the move to sever the marriage for the other person. The wife is trying but for some reason it isnt making me happy enough. I know there is "no love, like new love" but it is a mind trip that I have no antidote for. I need help as well.

Twisted Pain.

October 18, 2005 4:38 PM  

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