Just A Little Note....

Just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I'm actually having a good day today! My weekend has been nice and relaxing and I'm feeling a little more like myself. Hope this feeling stays around for awhile. I know that a big part of it is the fact that I have been staying at the man's house the last week because my heater went up in smoke. It's felt like old times when we lived together before. All I can say is this....I don't ask for much, but that feeling of waking up next to the person you love is all I need and want. It's been wonderful.

I'm dreading the day when I have to get back to reality.

Escrow Update....

At least some progress is underway....


http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/chi-fri-escrow-ag-0327-mar27,0,4150674.story

IT IS WHAT IT IS.....

Well, I’m back in all of my cursed glory.

I originally took my site down from public view because my Dad stumbled across it by “googling” my name, and I just felt that overall it had become so exposed that I couldn’t be myself or say what I wanted to say without worrying that someone would be pissed or upset. Well guess what folks? I really just don’t care anymore. This is MY site that I created for ME to have an outlet. So, if anyone reads or sees something that offends them….then DON’T get on my site. I am an adult and entitled to my feelings, whether you agree with them or not.

Wow – I feel a little better already.

Now – for an update. I hope you all are sitting down, because it’s not good.

1. The House: I have finally lost my battle, and it’s being foreclosed on. I entered an agreement with the mortgage company to modify the terms of the outrageous mortgage I had to take out after the divorce. I did everything I was supposed to do under the terms of our agreement, never heard a word back from them (even after numerous phone calls) and then get served with a Foreclosure Complaint, basically losing the $3,500 I had just sent in. In addition to that, three days later, I get a letter in the mail from my escrow company stating that they have gone out of business, won’t be paying my property taxes (even though they deducted money from my bank account each month) and have no money to reimburse me the $2,500 they deducted in 2008. It literally makes me want to kill somebody.

2. The relationship: I don’t know what more I could POSSIBLY do to be happy. I have done more to try and make him happy than anyone else ever has. I wish I could get some credit for that. He still holds himself back from me. Do you know how long it’s been since a man told me that he loved me? Pathetically too long. For the last three years I have done nothing but try my damndest to please him….and I always come back feeling like I will never be good enough for him to finally bring his walls down. Makes me sick. My feelings today are basically this: If this is the best this relationship will ever be….it’s not good enough. I guess I should have realized this a couple of years ago….but I always do this, so it shouldn’t be a big surprise. He just went on a trip out of town and I wrote him a note in one of his cards (that I always give him when he travels) pouring out my heart and asking that he please put more effort into “us” and that if he did, he would never regret it. The response I got (which I had to ask for) was “that card was pretty intense”. Well, after three years, it should be intense.

I know it’s my fault I’m miserable. I know that I should find someone who makes me happy. But honestly, I’m getting to the point in my life where I don’t think anyone will ever measure up to what I expect. Maybe that is why my heart always gets broken…..even by my family. I just feel like I put 110% of myself into every relationship I’m in, whether it be family, friends or love. Is it too much to ask to get the same in return? Am I living in some fantasy land? I mean, when it’s just the two of us it couldn’t be better. It’s just not turning out the way I had hoped. It’s taking too long. Am I just being impatient? If I think it’s worth it, shouldn’t I just wait it out. I’ve just got a bad feeling that I’m not going to get the answer I’ve been wishing for. What else is new?

The Dawn of a New Day

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and that all of your holiday wishes came true. I had a nice time with my family and even heard from a few old friends.

As 2008 comes to a close, I just wanted to reflect back on the year and point out the best and worst that the year had to offer. I know I haven’t been very forthcoming over the last year, and there are definitely some reasons for that, but I am hoping that 2009 will bring me peace of mind and the ability to starting sharing again.

Let me get the bad things out the way first:

My 33 year old cousin (who was up for a kidney transplant) has been in a coma since April and still remains so. It is the most heartbreaking thing to see and something that I pray for every single day.

My heart got broken (AGAIN) in May 2008 when my boyfriend (and the best roommate ever) moved into his own place. We are still together, and things are going OK, but it still hurts sometimes. I’d much rather move forward with someone than backwards. It’s a no-win situation for me. I know he’s sick of hearing me talk about it – which is why I don’t anymore.

I lost my beloved Gramps in June of 2008…the Last of the Mohicans so to speak. His passing left my 55 year old father as the oldest member of our family, which is a really sad thing to me for some reason. I feel like my dad is still so lost after losing his father and it’s a hard thing to watch sometimes.

I’m still in limbo over my house. I’ve had it up for sale for almost a year now and still nothing. It’s a very difficult internal battle for me. Some days I just want to let it all go and start over again (for about the fourth time in my life)…and some days my pride takes over and I feel like I would walk through fire to keep it. I just can’t make up my mind about anything lately. That’s another difficult thing for me.

On to more positive thoughts:

My brother-in-law made it back safe from Afghanistan. Who could ask for a better start to the year than that?

My sister, brother-in-law and their beautiful girls finally came back from New York to live in our town. That was the best thing that could have happened for me. Having my sister back in my daily life is probably the thing that keeps me going.

I got my sister a job working with me at the law office and it has just been awesome. We grow closer every day. We ride to and from work together, eat lunch together, and just have the best time. It makes me feel like a million bucks.

So, I guess, in retrospect, my little sister has been the most positive thing for me this year. I’m so proud of her and happy that she has such a beautiful little family…even if I do get jealous from time to time. Sometimes, I feel like my heart will explode at how full it is with love for her. She’s my reason for getting up some mornings. It’s a good feeling.

I do also give thanks for my boyfriend - even though we have different thoughts on the way things should be - he is always there to support me and encourage me and for that I will always love him.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Years’ Eve and an even better 2009!

Much Love, As Always

~Jinwistful~ XOXO

When The Conversation's Over....

Something must be terribly wrong with me. I just can't seem to find my happy place anymore. Another birthday just passed and I'm in the same damn slump I've been in for the past three (almost four) years now. I just feel like life is passing me by and I'm just sitting around waiting for something....or someone....and I don't know how to get started again. Don't get me wrong - I don't walk around pouting and acting depressed. As a matter of fact, I do the exact opposite.

I just feel lonely. It's hard for me to put it into words. The other night, I accidentally locked my keys in my car. Of course it was cold, sleeting rain and after midnight. I realized at that moment that I had not ONE single person to call for help. I try to live a good life. I'm friendly and outgoing, compassionate and always worried about everyone else. It just amazes me that I don't have any lasting relationships in my life. How did I end up like this? How can I turn things around?

My love life is another part of me that weighs heavily on my mind. I'm doing the same thing I've done in every other relationship I've been in. Why you ask? Because I'm a dumbass. I can't help what my heart wants. I can't help it that I have feelings for someone that doesn't put as much effort into the relationship as I do. I've spent almost three years in this relationship and feel like we are at the two-week stage. I shouldn't have to be "squeezed" into his schedule. I shouldn't have to wonder if I'm going to see him this day or that day, or wonder if he's going to call. At least I think I'm pretty fuckin special.

Life and love shouldn't be so complicated. I make him feel special. I go out of my way to do little things and send little cards. It's not much - but I think it's nice when someone shows how much they care. It's not in the gifts or the money spent. It's the TIME you spend and the EFFORT you put forth. That's what really matters to me. I guess what it boils down to...is the way I feel when we are together. The butterflies in my stomach....the way I feel when we lock eyes across a room....our quiet time together. It keeps me going....I just wish there were more times like that.

Oh well...I'm done bitching. Conversation over.

Happy Punkin Day!!

Pardon Me While I Turn My Back and Walk Away

So much has happened in my life since I took my blog hiatus. I don’t even really know where to begin. I will just try and update a little at a time. I just got to a point where I was sick of my own life. Sick of thinking about it… sick of living it…. sick of writing about it…aren’t you all sick of hearing me whine about the same old shit constantly? Trust me….I understand, because I’m sick of things being this way.

I work at a career that I’m totally burnt out on. I live in a house I can’t afford (or sell!!!) and I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me nearly as much as I love him. Who doesn’t want marriage or kids….or maybe he just doesn’t verbalize or show it. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m tired of trying to get it out of him. Tired of waiting around...but yet I'm not going anywhere.

Typical Jinsane, right? Some things NEVER change.

I don’t need to hear comments about leaving him, or that I deserve better, or any of those things. I KNOW this. I’ve been this way since the very first relationship I was ever in. That is just WHO I AM. I don’t play games or play hard to get. There is no way I can turn my feelings off or act like I don’t have them…They just are. And they are here to stay. The bane of my existence.

I have always been in relationships where I always give 110% and never get it in return. My way of thinking is that I always give all of my energy and all of my heart to whatever I’m doing. Anything less would be FAILURE!! But it seems that by the time whoever I’m with finally realizes how wonderful I am – I’m over it. I shouldn’t have to waste years at a time being taken for granted. And, I’m still powerless to stop myself.

I just seem to be unable to change things. Like no matter what I do, I’m just NOT happy.

Maybe the love, and the relationship, and the partnership I envision for myself just isn’t possible. Maybe it’s something that will always elude me. I just don’t understand what’s so hard about finding someone that you will ALWAYS be passionate about, ALWAYS be in love with, ALWAYS enjoy hanging around with….am I just expecting too much out of life?

Sometimes I sit back and think – “just slow down – take it one day at a time – and everything will work itself out”. Well, you know what I say to that? “BULLSHIT”!!! Life is too short to waste your time. I just wish I had the answers. I'm sick and tired of waiting for my happiness to begin.