Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Saga: Part I - Who Am I??

Part I of the Saga: The Birth of Jen

On 11/24/72 a Sagittarian Diva was born to teenage parents. One was a hippie genius and the other an intelligent homebody. I was raised to be happy with what I had, but not to be afraid to want more. My parents instilled in me a sense of family and good moral values. I think that having an equal mix of my parents' traits has been a good thing for me. It makes me who I am. I'm an outgoing person who loves to have fun and make people happy, but at the same time, a person who loves to read and think and make a home for myself. I have always wanted what my parents have: a deep love for each other, a feeling of "home", and the freedom to do their own things. A few years ago, my Dad told me something that I will never forget: "The one thing I admire about you, is that you have always gone your own way. You've never been afraid to just go with your heart." That may turn out to be the bane of my existence.
I was always the girl in school who was friends with everyone. At lunch, I would sit with the stoners one day, the jocks the next, the nerds another day...and I never got any flak for it. I think it's because I'm a little of all three....but I never had a niche. I loved that then. But now I regret it to some degree. I always had a boyfriend, and I would always devote all of my time to that person, never to my friends. And, I carried that into my adult life.
When it comes to men, I've always been attracted to ones who needed my "help", so to speak. As I mentioned in my "100 list", I've always felt that I was put here to improve people's lives. I'm an excellent judge of character and have always been right about my gut feelings. I'm starting to wonder if I'm really meant to be with one person for the rest of my life...or if my living hell is to be with a person until their life is on track, and then move on to the next? Not that I consciously do that....but I'm starting to wonder.
The one thing that the people who know me best can say, is that I am loyal to a fault and always tell the truth.....or at least they used to be able to say that.
God...I'm scared to do this. I may not be able to handle my own truth.


Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

I can say each one of your paragraphs match me up to near scary points of similarity. Especially the one about not being with one person but the travelling fix'er upper. That sounds like me to a 'T'. I can always make other people happy. And that makes me happy. Kind of like the story of the Chinese Beads. Keep it going but dont make yourself miserable. Take your time and do it at a pace that you are comfortable with. I feel that if I try to put up too much at one time I water down my story, poem, etc. May not be a problem for you but do it at your own pace.

October 25, 2005 2:15 PM  
Blogger Pirate Opined...

I found your link mthrough JAG. When I was reading the newest post I thought I was reading my bio. Only problem I am 45 and male. We had similar situations from the age of the parents to their life styles and perceptions on the world. I will be back to read more of your blog. Cool site.

October 25, 2005 2:27 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: I agree with that. That's why I had to stop where I did. I'm going to try to post a little each day..and see where that leads.

October 25, 2005 2:33 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Pirate: Thanks for checking me out. Any friend of Jags is a friend of mine. I will stop by yours as well.

October 25, 2005 2:35 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

I still wonder how people stumble upon blogs, like mine for example. Then again thats how I've found half of my favorites. I didnt think anyone would find mine much less read it, heck even like it or get anything from it. But eventually people will find it I guess and maybe it can help another, or many more. However I do not think it is too easy to find mine. :P

And now that I know you're gonna take your time I wont keep trying to look for updates to it every 15 minutes and maybe get some 'real' work done. :P

October 25, 2005 3:00 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

LMAO. I do the same thing. I get on yours about every 10 minutes.

October 25, 2005 3:26 PM  
Blogger CitySoul Opined...

I think this blogging is addicting because it gives some anonimity...(not sure if thats a word), know what I mean? It's good to be able to tell all...it's liberating and private all at the same time. It's nice to be able to tell all, not only do we (bloggers) enjoy reading your posts, but we'll still be here and not judge you after.

October 25, 2005 3:47 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Thanks so much City. I appreciate you checking in on me. Heh..

Hope your vacay is going well. XOXO

October 25, 2005 3:55 PM  
Blogger cityman05 Opined...

If there is one thing I love to do more than add to my blog, it is to read my friends blogs. I will always be here as well.

Jen-jen, just think of how many people's lives you will touch during you're stay on this planet. I can see by what you write that it comes straight from your heart and I believe you have a very big and caring heart. Sometimes we question ourselves and who we are, but the heart never lies, and you are going to make a big difference in this world. I truely belive you are a wonderful person. I can also tell you have the soul of an artist. I think you would make a great writer.

October 25, 2005 5:41 PM  
Blogger Amber Opined...

It can be hard to take a good long hard look at yourself. I do it frequently and I'm familiar with my self enough to know where the veneer is thin and the warts I feel I have are, still others fail to see them which is always a mixed blessing. So far it sounds like a great start to the story :)

October 25, 2005 7:03 PM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Jen - It's scary bearing your soul huh? ;)

It's great that you had two loving parents, alot of us grew up with just one.

I think that one of the faults with your outlook is that you grew up making guys happy and helping them before you understood yourself.

As you grew and got older the part of you that should have developed ie. understanding yourself and supporting yourself suffered.

It takes a long time to repair that kind of damage. It affects your self esteem and makes you feel sad and depressed.

One suggestion I could offer is to make a list of all the guys you've ever dated, and write what you remember about them down.

After you complete your list compare all of these guys, and I think you'll notice the similar mistakes in each.

Good luck

October 25, 2005 8:02 PM  
Blogger JAX Opined...

I give you alot of credit. Wow, I can relate more than you know.

October 26, 2005 12:07 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Wow Guys! Where do I begin??

CityMan: Thanks so much for your sweet words - what a boost for my self-confidence. I have always loved to write.

Amber: Thanks for stopping by. It's been a scary process, but I'll keep working on it.

Neo: Scary as hell...but I've got to do it. I know how lucky I am to have two great parents. You are absolutely right about my relationships. I've never made a list, but I have always seen the pattern there...I want to be their "Savior" so to speak. It's a hard habit to break.

Jags: Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more. ;o)

October 26, 2005 10:07 AM  
Blogger xfilipponex Opined...

i thinks its strange how we came from the same parents but are so different...but when i really think about it, you're just like dad, and i'm just like mom...but ryan tells me that i have a eccentric sense of humor like dad, and we BOTH definately have mom's worrywart trait, unfortunately! Love you jiff!

October 26, 2005 11:06 AM  
Blogger xfilipponex Opined...

i have no idea how to add friends on this damn thing...livejournal is much easier! help me out jenzy

October 26, 2005 11:25 AM  
Blogger Aymster Opined...

Jen, we are a lot alike.

-I also bopped around from group to group in H.S. and never made fun of nerdy people. It wasn't in my nature (and there is never any reason for that stuff and hate when people do that or judge).

-I always try to make others happy, but sometimes I don't truely know what makes me happy. I'm working on that myself.

-My birthday is November 25th. Your b-day is on turkey day this year! wooohooo

I know it's scary letting people see these pieces of your life but it makes you realize a lot about yourself. Keep it up Jen!

October 26, 2005 12:11 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Sissy: You've got that right!

Aym: Thanks for reading. It's taking alot out of me. But I'm not going to stop until I've said my piece. ;o)

October 26, 2005 12:23 PM  

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