Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Saga: Part II - Blood Is Thicker Than Water...Isn't It??

Part II of the Saga: The Family

(Sissy, Me, Mom, Melly - my niece, Daddy)
Sorry about the crappy picture - it's the best I can do for now.

I could go on for days about my family. God Love Em'. We have a very strange relationship, but I guess one that is not so out of the ordinary. What family doesn't have issues, right? Before I start on this subject, I want to preface it by saying that I am not in any way trying to come across like I had it rough growing up or that my parents weren't anything but wonderful; or that I have some deep resentment for my sister....that couldn't be further from the truth. But even the happiest of children have issues with their parents....don't they? It's very hard to sum up your relationships in short paragraphs....but for my purposes....that is what I'm doing. I just want an outlet to share the things that I have thought about over the years. So...bear with me.
I feel like I tried so hard for years to claw my way through until I could finally break free....and now I'm trying like hell to get back in. I'm not a parent, so I have no idea how it feels to be one....but have you ever heard parents say that they love all of their children equally? I'm not saying that this isn't true, I just believe it's more like loving your children in different ways.
My Mom and I used to fight alot, which is probably why, for a long time, I thought she regretted having me (remember she was a teen at the time), or maybe was even jealous of me. I have always been Daddy's girl. As I sit here writing this, I'm having a million different emotions and a thousand different memories flowing. I used to feel like a slave at home. Every night I would pack my sister's diaper bag, make her bottles, iron my mom's work uniforms, pack lunches, AND get up with my sister in the middle of the night (her room was right across the hall from mine). This was just the eighth grade. As I got older, I had more responsibilities. I know, I know...kids always bitch about chores. But this seemed like more than just chores. As soon as I got my driver's license, I was given a blank check every Friday with a 10 page grocery list and did the shopping for the entire family, and cooked most of the meals. As I think about these things now, I really appreciate them, because when I moved out on my own I was prepared for it. I could take care of myself. I'm just not sure of what my mom's motives were (of if she even had any).
I have worked since I was 15 years old. I couldn't have a car until I bought it myself and could afford the insurance. When I moved out of their house, my parents refused to help with my college tuition (what was left over after my scholarship). Of course, this was mostly over a guy that they couldn't stand. We basically went five months without speaking. Of course, when you're that age, you are always right and your parents don't know anything, right? I guess I just felt that they always tried to strong-arm me into making decisions. And, of course, that just pushed me further away.
At the time that I moved out, my sister was only three or four. She had slept with me every night since she was able to walk, and I loved it. I look back at that time now, and realize that when I left, I didn't even think about what affect that would have on her. I'm sorry for that.
I don't know if it's because my parents were older when my sister was growing up, or maybe they learned something from our relationship, but they were TOTALLY different with my sister. When she got pregnant at 16, they let her boyfriend move in with them. Not a happy situation, but they thought that was best. He had a difficult life. (LONG STORY - and this is not the place for that.) They then helped her get a car. Because of the baby, she couldn't get a job, so that was never a requirement. When she dropped out of college to get her cosmetology license, they paid for that.
It's not that I resent any of that, because I don't. I just feel like everything was expected of me and I could never please them. But they have always been there for my sister. When I let them down, they go months without speaking to me. I just don't understand it. I probably never will.
My sister got married last June to a great guy who really loves her and my niece. My parents adore him. Mom always does stuff for his birthday, etc. She's never done anything for my husband.
I asked my dad last year about going on a family vacation: me, my husband, and my parents. My dad told me that mom didn't want to go. Then, they plan a vacation with my sister. They even planned a vacation to visit my brother-in-law for his boot camp graduation.
I guess that's why I feel like an outcast in my own family. It just doesn't seem like I'm part of it. I don't know if this is because they lived with my parents and I've been gone so long, or if it's my niece that binds it all together. I'm just not sure. I don't think I will ever be.


Blogger CitySoul Opined...

It sounds like you had to grow up long before you should have. I don't know why parents sometimes treat their children differently...it sounds as though yours were a bit more "grown up" raising your sister than they were with you, not that it is any excuse for their behavior now. I guess we can at least take something from our parents mistakes and not make them with our own children.

November 01, 2005 2:11 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Thanks City. I'm sure that's all it is. I do tend to WAY overthink things. It was really hard for me to write this part. The next part (about my marriage) is going to be even worse.

November 01, 2005 2:27 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

(Wolf Whistle) Well apparently growing up early didnt affect your looks, cutie :P (tongue in cheek). I think growing up early has good and bad effects on peoples adult lifes and you can see such duality in your stories and day-to-day references. I think for everything you will go through in life the positives outweigh the negatives so maybe you are better for it all. As to the part coming... I know when I write certain parts of my life or problems I try to view it from outside of the box, it tends to help me with the emotional grasps to it. I look forward to your roadmap/journey as maybe it can be a lesson to any of us, as can mine to you or anyone else.

November 01, 2005 2:49 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Thanks, as always, Twisty. I look forward to hearing your opinions as much as I look forward to seeing what you've posted on your site. I'm slowly trying to work out things for myself, and this seems to be the only way to do it. I'm having a hard time talking to people in my life. Thank God for you (and my other e-buddies.) XO

November 01, 2005 3:02 PM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Jen - It gets tougher when you get older, it seems like you start to lose that closeness as things change.

Good luck patching up the gaps.

November 01, 2005 7:04 PM  
Blogger alannajoy Opined...

JJ: You have major guts to write about this stuff, and for that, I respect and admire you. It also makes me feel special knowing you want to share this info with all of us. That said, I think CS is right. It DOES sound like your parents learned a lot from raising you, and was then able to apply a lot of that towards their younger child. I am the first child in my family, and I know I always complain about my parents acting so differently with my younger brother than they did with me.

It is a shame that they werent able to treat certain instances in similar ways ie: college, car etc. Things that are sort of important stepping stones in one's life. Maybe if they had been equal on the big issues, you might feel more a sense of equality where you and your sister are concerned.

Eager to hear the next part in the JJ Saga...

November 01, 2005 11:38 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Neo: Thanks alot. I'm working on it.

Lan: Thanks for reading. These posts mean alot to me, as I am trying to find my way. This situation I'm going through right now has made me realize that I need to do alot of soul-searching.

November 02, 2005 9:34 AM  
Blogger cityman05 Opined...

Wow, Jen, I can really relate to a lot of things you are saying in your post.
I must tell you,I think you are an excellent writer. With the emotions you have inside you, I really think you should put together a book or screenplay or something.
I really think you are good.

November 02, 2005 1:51 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Thanks Kip. That means alot coming from you. I really appreciate it. And BTW, thanks for helping me out with the idiot. I'm sorry that he has resorted to personally attacking you.

November 02, 2005 2:02 PM  
Blogger xfilipponex Opined...

as the sister talked about in this post, im not sure how i feel about all that is being said. for people calling me a spoiled brat, i really don't appreciate that. a spoiled brat is someone who gets everything she asks for and then whines complains and throws tantrums when she doesnt get her way...contrary to what anyone believes i dont ask our parents for anything, there for i couldnt complain when i dont get what i want...i feel a little offended.

November 03, 2005 10:31 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

I tried to call you like five times to talk to you about this post before you read it online. But you never called me back. I never said I agreed with his post about you being a brat. And not one thing in MY post says any of those things. I don't think you are a brat at all. That was not the point of what I was writing. The point was how different mom and dad treat the two of us. That's all. Please don't be mad at me. XO

November 03, 2005 10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Opined...

Hey I coulda sworn I added a comment to this thread... where did it go?

November 03, 2005 5:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Opined...

Oh crud... xfilipponex... I think my post got deleted cuz it made you sound like a spoiled brat! My bad... I apologize, I was not intending to make it sound like that. I was just throwing in my 2 cents. Peace to you and have a great day! :)

November 03, 2005 5:10 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Sorry Chin. I did delete it. It was my fault in the first place for not defending my sister. All I did when I commented to your post was agree that it all made me a better person, when I should have set the record straight. I deleted it out of respect for my sister.

November 03, 2005 9:36 PM  

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