Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Punkin Day!!

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Pardon Me While I Turn My Back and Walk Away

So much has happened in my life since I took my blog hiatus. I don’t even really know where to begin. I will just try and update a little at a time. I just got to a point where I was sick of my own life. Sick of thinking about it… sick of living it…. sick of writing about it…aren’t you all sick of hearing me whine about the same old shit constantly? Trust me….I understand, because I’m sick of things being this way.

I work at a career that I’m totally burnt out on. I live in a house I can’t afford (or sell!!!) and I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me nearly as much as I love him. Who doesn’t want marriage or kids….or maybe he just doesn’t verbalize or show it. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m tired of trying to get it out of him. Tired of waiting around...but yet I'm not going anywhere.

Typical Jinsane, right? Some things NEVER change.

I don’t need to hear comments about leaving him, or that I deserve better, or any of those things. I KNOW this. I’ve been this way since the very first relationship I was ever in. That is just WHO I AM. I don’t play games or play hard to get. There is no way I can turn my feelings off or act like I don’t have them…They just are. And they are here to stay. The bane of my existence.

I have always been in relationships where I always give 110% and never get it in return. My way of thinking is that I always give all of my energy and all of my heart to whatever I’m doing. Anything less would be FAILURE!! But it seems that by the time whoever I’m with finally realizes how wonderful I am – I’m over it. I shouldn’t have to waste years at a time being taken for granted. And, I’m still powerless to stop myself.

I just seem to be unable to change things. Like no matter what I do, I’m just NOT happy.

Maybe the love, and the relationship, and the partnership I envision for myself just isn’t possible. Maybe it’s something that will always elude me. I just don’t understand what’s so hard about finding someone that you will ALWAYS be passionate about, ALWAYS be in love with, ALWAYS enjoy hanging around with….am I just expecting too much out of life?

Sometimes I sit back and think – “just slow down – take it one day at a time – and everything will work itself out”. Well, you know what I say to that? “BULLSHIT”!!! Life is too short to waste your time. I just wish I had the answers. I'm sick and tired of waiting for my happiness to begin.