Thursday, October 09, 2008

Pardon Me While I Turn My Back and Walk Away

So much has happened in my life since I took my blog hiatus. I don’t even really know where to begin. I will just try and update a little at a time. I just got to a point where I was sick of my own life. Sick of thinking about it… sick of living it…. sick of writing about it…aren’t you all sick of hearing me whine about the same old shit constantly? Trust me….I understand, because I’m sick of things being this way.

I work at a career that I’m totally burnt out on. I live in a house I can’t afford (or sell!!!) and I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me nearly as much as I love him. Who doesn’t want marriage or kids….or maybe he just doesn’t verbalize or show it. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m tired of trying to get it out of him. Tired of waiting around...but yet I'm not going anywhere.

Typical Jinsane, right? Some things NEVER change.

I don’t need to hear comments about leaving him, or that I deserve better, or any of those things. I KNOW this. I’ve been this way since the very first relationship I was ever in. That is just WHO I AM. I don’t play games or play hard to get. There is no way I can turn my feelings off or act like I don’t have them…They just are. And they are here to stay. The bane of my existence.

I have always been in relationships where I always give 110% and never get it in return. My way of thinking is that I always give all of my energy and all of my heart to whatever I’m doing. Anything less would be FAILURE!! But it seems that by the time whoever I’m with finally realizes how wonderful I am – I’m over it. I shouldn’t have to waste years at a time being taken for granted. And, I’m still powerless to stop myself.

I just seem to be unable to change things. Like no matter what I do, I’m just NOT happy.

Maybe the love, and the relationship, and the partnership I envision for myself just isn’t possible. Maybe it’s something that will always elude me. I just don’t understand what’s so hard about finding someone that you will ALWAYS be passionate about, ALWAYS be in love with, ALWAYS enjoy hanging around with….am I just expecting too much out of life?

Sometimes I sit back and think – “just slow down – take it one day at a time – and everything will work itself out”. Well, you know what I say to that? “BULLSHIT”!!! Life is too short to waste your time. I just wish I had the answers. I'm sick and tired of waiting for my happiness to begin.

13 Comments:

Blogger Osbasso Opined...

First off--welcome back!
Secondly--always remember that you don't write here for us, you write here for YOU. Don't feel the need to apologize because you think we won't like it--it's not for us to choose!
Thirdly--I do hope you're back "for good". You do have alot of people out here that are genuinely interested and caring.
Lastly--Sounds like you could use a good weekend out of town or something! :-)

October 09, 2008 11:54 AM  
Blogger Scott Opined...

Welcome back.

October 09, 2008 12:21 PM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

Well I'm glad to see you're blogging again. Regardless of the topic I'm just happy to see you're still alive. I'll save the advice, as you probably know what I'm thinking already.

October 09, 2008 12:31 PM  
Blogger TUG Opined...

Hey, if we didn't like reading what you wrote we wouldn't stop my here. If you want to whine or bitch about life or whatever...then do it. This is your blog!!! I hope you will post up some more.

Not that it matters, but I'm very much like you in regards to relationships. I'm still trying to find the same answers as you. IDK-maybe we should just stop asking those questions :)

October 09, 2008 1:16 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Oh my sweet guys!! I've missed you all so much and I AM SO HAPPY that you stuck around and waited for me. Now, if I could just find that in my "real" life!! LOL

Love you all and I'm glad to be back.!!

October 09, 2008 1:37 PM  
Blogger Osbasso Opined...

Of course we stuck around!
Did you check your email?

October 09, 2008 2:13 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Os: I did - check your email!!

October 09, 2008 3:47 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

Love you, Miss you!

Still open to you coming to live with me *wink wink* We're soul mates right?

I'm just glad you're back but am very sorry for your misery. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

October 10, 2008 9:16 AM  
Blogger Professor Fate Opined...

Hello. Welcome back. I've missed you.

You don't wanna hear what you already know, then I won't tell you. The person that isn't getting 110% of your effort is you. If you won't make yourself happy, who will?

October 10, 2008 8:36 PM  
Blogger NY Diva Opined...

I know that it's not really helpful, but I think I *get* what you're going through with your relationship. Sounds a lot like me and how I'm reacting to my own similar situation. You're definitely not the only one out there who lives and loves like that!

October 12, 2008 8:19 PM  
Anonymous Kelso Opined...

Glad to see you're back!

October 16, 2008 5:35 PM  
Blogger goooooood girl Opined...

Very good......

October 19, 2008 2:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Opined...

Remember we had this talk?

Pressure?

Take a big whiff.

Aren't you tired of the world kicking your ass? Don't you think it's about time for you to start swinging back?

Hmmmmmm??

November 07, 2008 1:25 PM  

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