Friday, March 30, 2007


Well kiddies!! It’s been two years since I started my blog - and this is my 400th post!! Whoo Hoo!! are my thoughts after the last two years....I’ve learned nothing.

So much for the big motivational post, right? It’s the same old shit....I’m clueless. I’ve learned nothing, except the fact that I continue to repeat my same old mistakes. I’m a friggin idiot.

I have been drafting this post for some will probably make no sense, because I just jotted down thoughts as they came to me. Parts of this post are from different days.....different emotions...different it will probably sound like a very bad bipolar episode, but what the hell??

Here goes nothing......and everything....

I'm tired of being the girl on the sidelines. The one that everyone thinks is cool and sweet and fun, but never the one that anyone wants to make a serious commitment to. I take the utmost pride in being the type of woman that any man can get along with, even at the sacrifice of having girlfriends. I'm not a woman who is into material things, but of things that really matter. Family, friends, love, affection - you know - the stuff that really matters at the end of the day.

The problem with that is....that the men in my life get so used to me being one of the guys, that they forget that I'm their girlfriend. I'm the one who spends every waking moment of every day thinking about them. Making sure they have everything they I being selfish to want someone to do those things for me...even just once in awhile? I hate when I get on these rants, because it basically nullifies everything that I'm saying I am....but c'mon even saints have days where they feel taken for granted, right????
I got my horoscope while I was drafting this post and I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is what it said:

There is a power shift going on in your life, and it appears that other people have more power over you than you have over yourself! It is wonderful to be considerate of others, but overdoing that can be a bit ridiculous. Do not let other people affect your schedule today. A last-minute request from a friend shouldn't cause you to drop everything and mount an extensive rescue operation. Take care of yourself first, and remind other people that you can't be taken for granted.

Now, if that doesn’t fit into my current mood, I have no idea what does!! It’s amazing how dead-on those things are sometimes .

Sometimes I’m made to feel that the one moment when I choose to speak up - which trust me, isn't often - that I'm making some big scene or ruining the moment - well FUCK THAT! I do EVERYTHING for everyone around me. Don't I get a chance to have a bad day or be in a bad mood? I get sick even typing that. I'm not a whiner - even though I do that a lot on here - but isn't that the point of my blog in the first place??? Just to have a place to bitch? It’s hard for me though. After I started this blog, people in my "real life" wanted the address. Then I felt like I had to censor things I wanted to say, or couldn’t put what I really felt down because someone always takes it wrong and I have to explain. Well, you know what? I’m done doing that. This is my page. My space to put WHATEVER I WANT. So, you people out there, and you know who are....don’t take offense to anything I say. They are just my thoughts and feelings, and you know what? I’m entitled to them.

I look around when I get in moods like this and I have no one - any person my age, who would even remotely understand where I'm coming from, is either married, has kids, or is too out of their minds to even comprehend what I'm saying. I think I got a lot of this from my mother. She had me and got married extremely young, and has spent her entire life making it about the family. She doesn’t have a lot of friends, and she’s OK with that. I’m not. I'm a dying breed. Being a single, mid-30's, white female with no real friends and no children. I'm destined to be alone. The old chick with 200 cats.....of course, in my case that would be dogs.....

Long story feels like the old days - when I first started this blog. It's 1:28 in the morning, and I'm up rambling. I hope everyone who wanted me to start blogging like I used to is ready for the onslaught - because it's a comin....

I think alot about the relationships in my life...the ones I've had and lost, the ones I've just started, and I've come to some serious revelations about a few things. Especially, when it comes to my sister. My sister is like my child. I was almost 13 years old when she was born. I was so excited that I was finally going to have a brother or sister - I couldn't wait for her to be born. My parents put her nursery right across the hall from my room - their room was upstairs. So, needless to say, I was the one up with her every night...feeding her, rocking her to sleep. She was my little angel. I formed a bond with her that I will always have.

As she started getting older, she would sleep with me every night. She was my little snuggle buddy. When I left home at 17 - all I could think about was me. A young, stupid, selfish teenager. I have just realized over the last two years what that must have been like for her. To have me around all the time, and then one day, I just up and leave. She went from having her big sis around and sleeping with me, to having nothing just like that. I feel so guilty for that - even today. The strange part is, I'm mourning a relationship that I feel like I've lost, when she probably doesn't even remember any of the things that bond me to her. Isn't that strange? I've lost something that she probably isn't even aware of - and it hurts me. I love my family so much, but I've always felt like the outsider. It's a weird place to be. I feel sometimes that the problems my sister has with her self-esteem, with girlfriends, etc. etc. is partly my fault, because I wasn't there for her. She grew up alone, just like I did. And we are alot more alike than she realizes. We both don't have alot of friends, and we both base our entire lives around someone else's. I feel sorry for both of us sometimes....

Now she lives halfway across the country and she's lonely - just like I am. I hope that when she comes back home for good, that we can try to have the relationship we should have. Her and I are the new generation, and we need to try and keep our family together. I hope that we can.
Don’t get me wrong. I am pretty happy these days. I just have my moments, like everyone else. And the more I sat thinking back over the last two years, in preparation of making this post, I realized that I’m pretty much in the exact same spot I was when I first started blogging....when my world fell apart. I’m still struggling every day to make my life better, to get myself out of this hole I’m in....will the digging ever stop?? Will I ever get a break?

I guess these are questions for me to answer over the next two years.
Peace, Love and all that Mushy Stuff - Jenpolar - XO

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 03.29.07

Today is a sad day for me. Three year's ago today, I had to put my beautiful girl to sleep.
As you all know, since I don't have children, my dogs are my babies. I always get depressed on this anniversary because it was such a hard day for me. To have to kill your dog is not something I wish on anyone.

On the other hand, this is also the anniversary of when I got Kloie.

My aunt brought her to me the same day I buried Zoey.....something about it helping the grieving process.

All I know is that it took me a while to warm up to the new puppy when I first got her, but it's been three years now, and I wouldn't give her up for anything. So, today is an odd mixture of emotions for me.

OK - enough sadness for one day! On to the half-nekkidness.......

I hope everyone has a wickedly sexy day!!

Much Love, as Always - Jinsane XOXO

R.I.P. Zoey Elizabeth

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Sorry, I've been MIA for the last week. I've been in bed with the flu. NOT FUN!!

Anyhoo, just wanted to let everyone know that I'm alive and will be back in full force tomorrow!

XO - Jen

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My Girls......

I haven't done any picture posts lately, so I thought I would update everyone on the loves of my babies and my nieces.

Black Brat #1 - Kloie Belle

Black Brat #2 - Jada Binks

Kloie's "Love On Me" Look

Jada's "Snaggle Face" Look - I love when her lip gets caught on her tooth.....

Bella Boo - Can you guys believe she's almost a year old???

The Princess - Melly Moo

Could Bella be any more gorgeous??

Melly's beautiful smile!!

Melly and Bella enjoying the New York Snow!!

My sis, Emmy, and her husband, Ryan, fresh back from Afghanistan...

My sis and her oldest beauty.....

I only hope that one day, someone loves me enough to want a family with me. And if that ever happens, I hope my family is as beautiful as my sister's!!!

Hope you enjoyed the picture update!!! Have a good one! XO - Jen

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Thought for the Day.....

Monday, March 19, 2007


Friday, March 16, 2007

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I hope that everyone has a Wonderful St. Patrick's Day!!!

XO - Jenirish

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Half-Nekkid Thursday - St. Patty's Edition

Where do I start?? (Don't despair - the half-nekkidness is at the end of this post!!)
I had this huge post to submit today, but I decided to save it for next week - my two year Bloggiversary. I did, however, want to say that I'm so thankful for my e-buddies. You really keep me going, even if you don't realize it.

I've had alot of time to spend alone lately....and we all know what happens to me when I have that.....I THINK WAY TOO MUCH. Geez, how many times have I said that over the last two years?
I'm a positive person and the best friend you'll ever have. I always put others before myself. Sometimes this burns me, but I know no other way. I'm sweet to everyone, even when they don't deserve it, but can be a bitch when necessary. I generally always choose the high road, but I'm human & sometimes I let myself get drug down. Even that usually doesn't last long. I hurt alot inside, but always try to bring myself above it.
I'm always reminded of how lucky I am, so why dwell in other's misery. Join me on the high road or I'll leave you behind. That's probably why people come and go out of my life so quickly....and I feel like I'm left all alone - to start all over again and make new friends. I live my life with no regrets. Everyone who has come into my life has been there for a reason. Sometimes an example of what not to do, but I've learned from them all & I wouldn't change a thing. Yet, sometimes I'm really saddened by this.

Sometimes I'm confident and secure. I know my self-worth and I know that I'd make someone so happy. Yet, at the same time, and for some unknown reason - I guess I feel like I don't deserve to be totally happy. And, I have no reason why?? Why shouldn't I deserve all the things in life that I want??
My body is my temple & I like to decorate it with tattoos. I am a constant work in progress. Life is a journey & each day a lesson that I learn from. However, sometimes I feel that I haven't learned anything. What has always hurt me the most in this life, is that I love too much....I care too much. I'm an EXTREMELY gentle soul. So, how can you learn from the mistake of loving too much?? If I learn from being burnt by a lover or a friend, then doesn't that mean that I lose a part of myself - the part I love the most???
If there is one thing I've learned in's that certain events will occur and show you who you can rely on and who your true friends are. The problem is.....I've learned that I can't really rely on anyone that I know personally. Where are they now?? Where were they when I cried myself to sleep for almost nine months straight?? How can the one person who would drive for hours to pick you up if you broke down....or who would drive 16 hours to rescue a dog....or lend you money when I didn't have it myself....sit alone when they are at their worst? Where in the fuck are you people now when I needed you most??
OK - that's enough venting for one day! I really hate bringing HNT down, so I'll quit until next week.

Without further ado - Here's this week's HNT!

I hope you all have a great week and a great St. Patrick's Day!!!
XO - Much Love, as Always - Jen

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Ooh La La....

I've been thinking long and hard about my next post - I have alot to say and I can't wait to finally say it. I'm going to post it in conjunction with my HNT. Until then.....have a good day everyone!!!

Monday, March 12, 2007


Sexy & Romantic glitter graphics from Sexi

For anyone who gives a shit - I'm feeling better after having a few days to de-compress. Thanks for the thoughts and well-wishes.

I promise to have a heart-bearing post within the next few days to bring you up to speed with my current dramas. Betcha can't wait.........

Friday, March 09, 2007


I know I don't post my feelings and thoughts on here like I used to. I guess I've just drawn into myself and don't really know what to say anymore. My thoughts and feelings are always so fuckin jumbled up. I fuckin' care to much....ABOUT EVERYTHING. It's so exhausting.
I feel so lost and confused...with nobody to talk to. It's a very lonely place to be. But, what else is new? It's the story of my life.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 03.08.07

There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

Happy HNT Everyone!!! XO - Jinsane

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Happy Wednesday!!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Half-Nekkid Thursday - One Year Anniversary

Well of Febuary 23, 2007, I have been doing HNT for one year!! So, in celebration of that, as well as my first HNT in a couple of weeks, this week's HNT is a two-parter!

Even though I have lost most of my regular readers over the past year, it still means a lot to me to think that people actually read what I post and know that even if it's just song lyrics - there is ALWAYS meaning behind it. If you haven't read my last post, please do so. If ever a song meant something to someone....this song is 110% TRUE JEN. It literally epitomizes my life struggle.

My first picture this week is a salute to myself for trudging forward, even when I don't want to:

I am a true REDNECK WOMAN!

This next two shots are just something I've wanted to do for awhile and I figured - "What the Hell??" It is my HNT Anniversary. Nothing too explicit - just a little something I thought I'd try out.

Without Further Ado........School is now in session:

And, as usual, I couldn't decide which one I liked best. So, in an effort to make up for missing the last two weeks of HNT - here's a bonus!!!

I hope that everyone is doing well. My days are looking brighter.....I'm just trying to keep the faith, as always.

Much Love - Jen XOXO