Friday, March 30, 2007

Blogiversary....Blah....Blah....Blah

Well kiddies!! It’s been two years since I started my blog - and this is my 400th post!! Whoo Hoo!!

So....here are my thoughts after the last two years....I’ve learned nothing.

So much for the big motivational post, right? It’s the same old shit....I’m clueless. I’ve learned nothing, except the fact that I continue to repeat my same old mistakes. I’m a friggin idiot.

I have been drafting this post for some time...it will probably make no sense, because I just jotted down thoughts as they came to me. Parts of this post are from different days.....different emotions...different thoughts....so it will probably sound like a very bad bipolar episode, but what the hell??

Here goes nothing......and everything....

I'm tired of being the girl on the sidelines. The one that everyone thinks is cool and sweet and fun, but never the one that anyone wants to make a serious commitment to. I take the utmost pride in being the type of woman that any man can get along with, even at the sacrifice of having girlfriends. I'm not a woman who is into material things, but of things that really matter. Family, friends, love, affection - you know - the stuff that really matters at the end of the day.

The problem with that is....that the men in my life get so used to me being one of the guys, that they forget that I'm their girlfriend. I'm the one who spends every waking moment of every day thinking about them. Making sure they have everything they need.....am I being selfish to want someone to do those things for me...even just once in awhile? I hate when I get on these rants, because it basically nullifies everything that I'm saying I am....but c'mon even saints have days where they feel taken for granted, right????
I got my horoscope while I was drafting this post and I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is what it said:

There is a power shift going on in your life, and it appears that other people have more power over you than you have over yourself! It is wonderful to be considerate of others, but overdoing that can be a bit ridiculous. Do not let other people affect your schedule today. A last-minute request from a friend shouldn't cause you to drop everything and mount an extensive rescue operation. Take care of yourself first, and remind other people that you can't be taken for granted.

Now, if that doesn’t fit into my current mood, I have no idea what does!! It’s amazing how dead-on those things are sometimes .

Sometimes I’m made to feel that the one moment when I choose to speak up - which trust me, isn't often - that I'm making some big scene or ruining the moment - well FUCK THAT! I do EVERYTHING for everyone around me. Don't I get a chance to have a bad day or be in a bad mood? I get sick even typing that. I'm not a whiner - even though I do that a lot on here - but isn't that the point of my blog in the first place??? Just to have a place to bitch? It’s hard for me though. After I started this blog, people in my "real life" wanted the address. Then I felt like I had to censor things I wanted to say, or couldn’t put what I really felt down because someone always takes it wrong and I have to explain. Well, you know what? I’m done doing that. This is my page. My space to put WHATEVER I WANT. So, you people out there, and you know who are....don’t take offense to anything I say. They are just my thoughts and feelings, and you know what? I’m entitled to them.

I look around when I get in moods like this and I have no one - any person my age, who would even remotely understand where I'm coming from, is either married, has kids, or is too out of their minds to even comprehend what I'm saying. I think I got a lot of this from my mother. She had me and got married extremely young, and has spent her entire life making it about the family. She doesn’t have a lot of friends, and she’s OK with that. I’m not. I'm a dying breed. Being a single, mid-30's, white female with no real friends and no children. I'm destined to be alone. The old chick with 200 cats.....of course, in my case that would be dogs.....

Long story short.....it feels like the old days - when I first started this blog. It's 1:28 in the morning, and I'm up rambling. I hope everyone who wanted me to start blogging like I used to is ready for the onslaught - because it's a comin....

I think alot about the relationships in my life...the ones I've had and lost, the ones I've just started, and I've come to some serious revelations about a few things. Especially, when it comes to my sister. My sister is like my child. I was almost 13 years old when she was born. I was so excited that I was finally going to have a brother or sister - I couldn't wait for her to be born. My parents put her nursery right across the hall from my room - their room was upstairs. So, needless to say, I was the one up with her every night...feeding her, rocking her to sleep. She was my little angel. I formed a bond with her that I will always have.

As she started getting older, she would sleep with me every night. She was my little snuggle buddy. When I left home at 17 - all I could think about was me. A young, stupid, selfish teenager. I have just realized over the last two years what that must have been like for her. To have me around all the time, and then one day, I just up and leave. She went from having her big sis around and sleeping with me, to having nothing just like that. I feel so guilty for that - even today. The strange part is, I'm mourning a relationship that I feel like I've lost, when she probably doesn't even remember any of the things that bond me to her. Isn't that strange? I've lost something that she probably isn't even aware of - and it hurts me. I love my family so much, but I've always felt like the outsider. It's a weird place to be. I feel sometimes that the problems my sister has with her self-esteem, with girlfriends, etc. etc. is partly my fault, because I wasn't there for her. She grew up alone, just like I did. And we are alot more alike than she realizes. We both don't have alot of friends, and we both base our entire lives around someone else's. I feel sorry for both of us sometimes....

Now she lives halfway across the country and she's lonely - just like I am. I hope that when she comes back home for good, that we can try to have the relationship we should have. Her and I are the new generation, and we need to try and keep our family together. I hope that we can.
Don’t get me wrong. I am pretty happy these days. I just have my moments, like everyone else. And the more I sat thinking back over the last two years, in preparation of making this post, I realized that I’m pretty much in the exact same spot I was when I first started blogging....when my world fell apart. I’m still struggling every day to make my life better, to get myself out of this hole I’m in....will the digging ever stop?? Will I ever get a break?

I guess these are questions for me to answer over the next two years.
Peace, Love and all that Mushy Stuff - Jenpolar - XO

16 Comments:

Blogger Professor Fate Opined...

Now, do you feel better? :)

The only advice I have is think more about you and less about everyone else. I am not saying become a selfish bitch that is only out for herself. People are lazy if you will do everything for them they will let you (and if they don't have to do things for themselves, why would they do them for you).

March 30, 2007 12:53 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Prof: Good advice as always!! And you know what, I do feel a little bit better! Smooches.

March 30, 2007 12:55 PM  
Blogger Osbasso Opined...

This is your place to do with as you will, so let it all hang out! It's just like TV--if you don't like what you see, change the channel!

I do wish we lived closer so I could buy you a beer. I think I've mentioned that before. Hope you noticed I left you a little somethin'...

March 30, 2007 1:19 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Os: I did notice!! Thank you so very much!!

I wish we lived closer too!! We might get into ALOT of trouble! ;o)

March 30, 2007 2:57 PM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

Been so long since you posted anything really personal I had to go back and re-read. You know exactly what you need to do to be happier. Question is are you going to take your own advice?

I do hope one day, hopefully soon like tomorrow, you'll find some semblance of happiness though.

March 30, 2007 3:41 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

WW: Thanks for taking the time to read. It was an awful lot, wasn't it?

You know, honestly, I'm not really sure what would make me happy at this point. Maybe I'll never be satisified. That might be my cross to bear in this life. Who knows??

March 30, 2007 4:24 PM  
Blogger eddie Opined...

What you need is a good old Fl boy to treat you right, down here a woman like you are few and far between, ky women rule....

March 30, 2007 4:42 PM  
Blogger Michael Opined...

It’s the same old shit....I’m clueless. I’ve learned nothing...

If it's any consolation, learning is soooooo overrated. I've been learning for years, and I'm no better off. :P

As for the relationships thing (this ties into my work), being single now doesn't condemn you to singlehood forever. In fact, because you're in your early 30s, but don't have children and (presumably) have a job, it makes you more attractive to single men. However, it is pretty difficult to find good men at that age. But hey, look on the bright side, at least the problem isn't you. You just have to get out there more and meet more people. :)

March 30, 2007 7:23 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Eddie: Don't you already have your hands full enough with a KY woman? ;o) XO

Michael: I wouldn't be too sure that the problems not me....I am a nut job!! LMAO

March 30, 2007 10:43 PM  
Blogger Princess PinkLady Opined...

I'd tell you to always put yourself first because no one else will if you don't, but bah. I'm the same way you are. I'm always making sure everyone else is taken care of, no matter what it does to me. I need to stop that. Regardless, loved reading your post, love reading your blog all the time..no real point to my comments today LOL. Happy Blogiversary!

March 31, 2007 9:43 AM  
Blogger Mr. Althouse Opined...

Hi Jen.

You are quite obviously a deeply devoted and caring person. And although you say you are not a whiner (and I believe that), that doesn't mean you are made of stone. I've always had to be the one to suck it up... be the man... never, ever show weakness. I was not raised to be powerless - yet, there are times when I am just that and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change what I have to go through.

I can relate. I've been there. I'm the one that used to say, "Nobody else gives a fuck about me, why should I?" I know why, and I probably always did. It's important to remember that it's all temporary - it will pass. My head didn't explode and the world didn't come to a grinding halt. Although I often wished I would just die, I didn't and I'm glad.

You are a good person. You care. It is a rare quality these days - it makes you special.

Mike

March 31, 2007 8:59 PM  
Blogger eddie Opined...

Yes but that may be comming to a end real soon, will have to wait and see, but there are lots of fl guys who would treat you great...

April 01, 2007 9:58 AM  
Anonymous jsull28fl@yaho Opined...

I agree with ED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think thats twice me and Ed agreed and the other time I didn't know he was a Fl. Boy!
or I prefer Cracker!
Its hard to make changes, because they are changes and they put you in situations that you aren't comfy with. So people stay in old situations that at least they know what will happen even if it isnt all candy and nuts they at least know the outcome, sounds insane but I believe it is accurate. Its hard for me to imagine that there isn't a local guy that would jump through hoops for just the chance to have/court/be with you. and a guy that would be good to you. I really hope you work it out and get on a path that will you lead you to the things you want.
I pullin for you
oh yeah and the Classic Bitch pic,
awesome as always ur just friggin sexy is all.
js
and I'm with Os on the beer buyin too!!!!

April 01, 2007 5:24 PM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Jen - Happy Blogiversity. Too bad you didn't pan that one shot a little lower. ;)

I know how you feel Jen, seriously I do. It's a tough place to be in. Things don't make sense and it feels like everything has turned on you. You have accomplished something in 2 years. You have plenty of friends up here that care about you. Even though we aren't in your city, our eyes and hearts are always here to let you vent and make the blow easier.

It all starts with you hon. You have to want to be happy, and being surrounded by those that prevent that isn't healthy. Same with family, when we get caught up in all of their drama. It's draining and emotional. Just write through the pain, and hopefully things change for you.

You know where to find me if you ever need to talk.

Peace & Hugs,

- Neo

April 01, 2007 9:00 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Thanks guys, as always! I really don't know what I would do without you. Each and every one of you are important to me in your own way, and I hope you all know that!!

God - I just love you all so much!!

XO - Jen

April 02, 2007 9:32 AM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Jen - Awwwwwww *hugs* Hang in there kiddo.

April 02, 2007 8:58 PM  

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