Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Dawn of a New Day

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and that all of your holiday wishes came true. I had a nice time with my family and even heard from a few old friends.

As 2008 comes to a close, I just wanted to reflect back on the year and point out the best and worst that the year had to offer. I know I haven’t been very forthcoming over the last year, and there are definitely some reasons for that, but I am hoping that 2009 will bring me peace of mind and the ability to starting sharing again.

Let me get the bad things out the way first:

My 33 year old cousin (who was up for a kidney transplant) has been in a coma since April and still remains so. It is the most heartbreaking thing to see and something that I pray for every single day.

My heart got broken (AGAIN) in May 2008 when my boyfriend (and the best roommate ever) moved into his own place. We are still together, and things are going OK, but it still hurts sometimes. I’d much rather move forward with someone than backwards. It’s a no-win situation for me. I know he’s sick of hearing me talk about it – which is why I don’t anymore.

I lost my beloved Gramps in June of 2008…the Last of the Mohicans so to speak. His passing left my 55 year old father as the oldest member of our family, which is a really sad thing to me for some reason. I feel like my dad is still so lost after losing his father and it’s a hard thing to watch sometimes.

I’m still in limbo over my house. I’ve had it up for sale for almost a year now and still nothing. It’s a very difficult internal battle for me. Some days I just want to let it all go and start over again (for about the fourth time in my life)…and some days my pride takes over and I feel like I would walk through fire to keep it. I just can’t make up my mind about anything lately. That’s another difficult thing for me.

On to more positive thoughts:

My brother-in-law made it back safe from Afghanistan. Who could ask for a better start to the year than that?

My sister, brother-in-law and their beautiful girls finally came back from New York to live in our town. That was the best thing that could have happened for me. Having my sister back in my daily life is probably the thing that keeps me going.

I got my sister a job working with me at the law office and it has just been awesome. We grow closer every day. We ride to and from work together, eat lunch together, and just have the best time. It makes me feel like a million bucks.

So, I guess, in retrospect, my little sister has been the most positive thing for me this year. I’m so proud of her and happy that she has such a beautiful little family…even if I do get jealous from time to time. Sometimes, I feel like my heart will explode at how full it is with love for her. She’s my reason for getting up some mornings. It’s a good feeling.

I do also give thanks for my boyfriend - even though we have different thoughts on the way things should be - he is always there to support me and encourage me and for that I will always love him.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Years’ Eve and an even better 2009!

Much Love, As Always

~Jinwistful~ XOXO

Thursday, December 04, 2008

When The Conversation's Over....

Something must be terribly wrong with me. I just can't seem to find my happy place anymore. Another birthday just passed and I'm in the same damn slump I've been in for the past three (almost four) years now. I just feel like life is passing me by and I'm just sitting around waiting for something....or someone....and I don't know how to get started again. Don't get me wrong - I don't walk around pouting and acting depressed. As a matter of fact, I do the exact opposite.

I just feel lonely. It's hard for me to put it into words. The other night, I accidentally locked my keys in my car. Of course it was cold, sleeting rain and after midnight. I realized at that moment that I had not ONE single person to call for help. I try to live a good life. I'm friendly and outgoing, compassionate and always worried about everyone else. It just amazes me that I don't have any lasting relationships in my life. How did I end up like this? How can I turn things around?
My love life is another part of me that weighs heavily on my mind. I'm doing the same thing I've done in every other relationship I've been in. Why you ask? Because I'm a dumbass. I can't help what my heart wants. I can't help it that I have feelings for someone that doesn't put as much effort into the relationship as I do. I've spent almost three years in this relationship and feel like we are at the two-week stage. I shouldn't have to be "squeezed" into his schedule. I shouldn't have to wonder if I'm going to see him this day or that day, or wonder if he's going to call. At least I think I'm pretty fuckin special.
Life and love shouldn't be so complicated. I make him feel special. I go out of my way to do little things and send little cards. It's not much - but I think it's nice when someone shows how much they care. It's not in the gifts or the money spent. It's the TIME you spend and the EFFORT you put forth. That's what really matters to me. I guess what it boils down the way I feel when we are together. The butterflies in my stomach....the way I feel when we lock eyes across a room....our quiet time together. It keeps me going....I just wish there were more times like that.
Oh well...I'm done bitching. Conversation over.