Thursday, December 04, 2008

When The Conversation's Over....

Something must be terribly wrong with me. I just can't seem to find my happy place anymore. Another birthday just passed and I'm in the same damn slump I've been in for the past three (almost four) years now. I just feel like life is passing me by and I'm just sitting around waiting for something....or someone....and I don't know how to get started again. Don't get me wrong - I don't walk around pouting and acting depressed. As a matter of fact, I do the exact opposite.

I just feel lonely. It's hard for me to put it into words. The other night, I accidentally locked my keys in my car. Of course it was cold, sleeting rain and after midnight. I realized at that moment that I had not ONE single person to call for help. I try to live a good life. I'm friendly and outgoing, compassionate and always worried about everyone else. It just amazes me that I don't have any lasting relationships in my life. How did I end up like this? How can I turn things around?
My love life is another part of me that weighs heavily on my mind. I'm doing the same thing I've done in every other relationship I've been in. Why you ask? Because I'm a dumbass. I can't help what my heart wants. I can't help it that I have feelings for someone that doesn't put as much effort into the relationship as I do. I've spent almost three years in this relationship and feel like we are at the two-week stage. I shouldn't have to be "squeezed" into his schedule. I shouldn't have to wonder if I'm going to see him this day or that day, or wonder if he's going to call. At least I think I'm pretty fuckin special.
Life and love shouldn't be so complicated. I make him feel special. I go out of my way to do little things and send little cards. It's not much - but I think it's nice when someone shows how much they care. It's not in the gifts or the money spent. It's the TIME you spend and the EFFORT you put forth. That's what really matters to me. I guess what it boils down the way I feel when we are together. The butterflies in my stomach....the way I feel when we lock eyes across a room....our quiet time together. It keeps me going....I just wish there were more times like that.
Oh well...I'm done bitching. Conversation over.


Blogger Wiwille Opined...

I'm sorry things aren't going well for you relationship wise. I do think you could find that one that would make you happy if you let go of the one that doesn't, but that's my opinion. Women love challenges.

Still I hope things get better and he, or whoever, finds time to appreciate you.

December 04, 2008 3:48 PM  
Blogger TUG Opined...

I have to agree. You may have to make that hard decision. Sometimes a fresh start at things is what a person needs. Still, easier said then done...right? I do miss your writing though.

December 04, 2008 10:35 PM  
Blogger 13messages Opined...

I feel your pain and wish you well. I'd hug you if I could.

It's nice to read what you share.

your friend,


December 05, 2008 12:23 AM  
Blogger Osbasso Opined...

I think the first place you should look to is yourself. You start out by saying there must be something terribly wrong with you. Later you call yourself a dumbass. You need to see what the rest of us see (that you've allowed us to see)--you're a great person! Maybe some of your choices haven't worked out the way that you hoped, but that doesn't make YOU any less of a person! Please--love yourself!! And when you do, then you'll find other decisions coming much easier for you. If that includes changes, then so be it!

You have my number--feel free to use it!

December 05, 2008 1:49 AM  

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