Thursday, March 26, 2009

IT IS WHAT IT IS.....

Well, I’m back in all of my cursed glory.

I originally took my site down from public view because my Dad stumbled across it by “googling” my name, and I just felt that overall it had become so exposed that I couldn’t be myself or say what I wanted to say without worrying that someone would be pissed or upset. Well guess what folks? I really just don’t care anymore. This is MY site that I created for ME to have an outlet. So, if anyone reads or sees something that offends them….then DON’T get on my site. I am an adult and entitled to my feelings, whether you agree with them or not.

Wow – I feel a little better already.

Now – for an update. I hope you all are sitting down, because it’s not good.

1. The House: I have finally lost my battle, and it’s being foreclosed on. I entered an agreement with the mortgage company to modify the terms of the outrageous mortgage I had to take out after the divorce. I did everything I was supposed to do under the terms of our agreement, never heard a word back from them (even after numerous phone calls) and then get served with a Foreclosure Complaint, basically losing the $3,500 I had just sent in. In addition to that, three days later, I get a letter in the mail from my escrow company stating that they have gone out of business, won’t be paying my property taxes (even though they deducted money from my bank account each month) and have no money to reimburse me the $2,500 they deducted in 2008. It literally makes me want to kill somebody.

2. The relationship: I don’t know what more I could POSSIBLY do to be happy. I have done more to try and make him happy than anyone else ever has. I wish I could get some credit for that. He still holds himself back from me. Do you know how long it’s been since a man told me that he loved me? Pathetically too long. For the last three years I have done nothing but try my damndest to please him
….and I always come back feeling like I will never be good enough for him to finally bring his walls down. Makes me sick. My feelings today are basically this: If this is the best this relationship will ever be….it’s not good enough. I guess I should have realized this a couple of years ago….but I always do this, so it shouldn’t be a big surprise. He just went on a trip out of town and I wrote him a note in one of his cards (that I always give him when he travels) pouring out my heart and asking that he please put more effort into “us” and that if he did, he would never regret it. The response I got (which I had to ask for) was “that card was pretty intense”. Well, after three years, it should be intense.

I know it’s my fault I’m miserable. I know that I should find someone who makes me happy. But honestly, I’m getting to the point in my life where I don’t think anyone will ever measure up to what I expect. Maybe that is why my heart always gets broken…..even by my family. I just feel like I put 110% of myself into every relationship I’m in, whether it be family, friends or love. Is it too much to ask to get the same in return? Am I living in some fantasy land? I mean, when it’s just the two of us it couldn’t be better. It’s just not turning out the way I had hoped. It’s taking too long. Am I just being impatient? If I think it’s worth it, shouldn’t I just wait it out. I’ve just got a bad feeling that I’m not going to get the answer I’ve been wishing for. What else is new?

5 Comments:

Blogger Osbasso Opined...

Good to see you back, and with attitude (like you didn't have any before). Really sucks about the house. I'm sure you've checked all options, but I hope there's something you can do. As for the relationship, I hope you get some answers soon. I'll email soon.

Still damned glad to see you back!

March 26, 2009 8:05 PM  
Blogger TUG Opined...

Ditto. Glad you're back...with the attitude!!!

So sorry about the house. I know you've tried like hell to not have things come to this. Can you do a short sale?

I do hope you find someone that gives you what you need. You always seem like a good person to me. There are so many guys out there that I just don't understand. They never seem to appreciate who they have.

March 26, 2009 8:58 PM  
Blogger 13messages Opined...

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear about the rough stuff. It breaks my heart to see you struggle like this. It seems it's so often the best folks who go through the most.

Anyway, I'm rooting for you as always. Write or call me anytime. You're good people.

March 27, 2009 12:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Opined...

so good to have you back!

March 27, 2009 8:45 AM  
Blogger Mike Althouse Opined...

Life shouldn't have to be so hard, it seems. I used to feel as though I was somehow cursed - that if there was any good fortune in the Universe, it certainly wasn't meant for me. Although I never contemplated suicide, I often wished to just die.

But I didn't (I came very, very close, however) and things started to change. It didn't happen overnight and I had to make some difficult choices - but in retrospect, I had little choice, although I didn't know it at the time. Be patient and stay hopeful... I truly believe happiness awaits for everyone who seeks it. It helps if you believe it.

Mike

March 27, 2009 4:54 PM  

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