Thursday, September 13, 2007

HNT - What in the Hell Am I Doing? Edition

Where do I start? I've had so much going through my head, and so many things happening lately, that I honestly, for once, don't know what to say. Be prepared for one my most rambling messes to date!

Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Most of the time, I know I am.

Most too often lately, I've been getting this sudden overwhelming feeling of panic. Like I just wanted to get up and run....but I don't know where.....or from what.

I know that over the last year or so, I haven't been writing too many of my personal thoughts down, or too much about what I've been up to. So here goes.....

About a year and a half ago, when I was going through my divorce, and after the whole Bryan disaster, [those of you who have been around awhile, know what I'm talking about], I met someone. He, too, was going through a divorce. And I thought my ex-husband was nuts??? His ex-wife is a calculated, manipulating psycho. But she has nothing to do with this, except for the fact that she ruined him, just like most women do to the men I end up with.

Anyhoo....I met him while I was going through the whole back-and-forth thing about whether or not to keep my house. He also had a house that he was trying to sell (in a different County). It's a long story as to why he wasn't living in his own house at the time. That's his story to tell, not mine. Anyway, long story short, he needed a place to live and I needed a roommate. So, he moved in and I kept my house. Of course, we both thought we were nuts because we had just gotten out of long relationships/marriages, and there we were, dating for two and a half months and then....BAM...moving in together. I know.....I know....you don't have to say it. But, you must also know that we had both been separated from our respective spouses for almost a year before we met, so this is not something that happened immediatley after the break up of our marriages.

Not too say this wasn't a good thing. I mean I was happy as hell, and we get along perfectly. So what's the problem, you ask?

I fell and I fell HARD. More so than I ever felt with my ex-husband. Just like I said I wasn't going to. He had told me when he moved in that he eventually wanted to buy another house of his own (after his sold). I can understand that. I mean, I've fought tooth and nail to keep my house, so how can I begrudge him that? It just hurts my feelings so bad that after living together for over a year now, we're going to be taking this huge step backwards. Of course, he doesn't see it this way. It's not like we're breaking up or anything, he tells me. And I know that. It's just hard to imagine having him here every night, to all of sudden living alone again, but with us still being together. It's just stupid if you ask me. Why go through the expense of having two households to run??? I mean, it's not even like he wants "us" to live together in his new house. He just wants a place of his own. (Enter the psycho ex-wife.....) He just wants somewhere that no one can try and kick him out of. You know the drill.

Anyway, it gets worse.

When we first met, he was on the fence about future marriage and/or kids. I mean, it's not like we talked about anything seriously, because we were both just getting divorced. But at the same time, I'm at the age now, where I don't want to waste my time on something that's going nowhere. You know what I mean?

It's not like I'm on the baby train or anything, but I would like to know that the option is there if we are still together in the future. Over the course of our relationship, he has started to lean on no marriage or kids. Again...I know - I know!

Everyone who knows me, tells me I'm insane to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to marry me, have kids with me, or hell.....even live with me. But again, we are the only two people in this relationship, and there's tons more to it. I'm not a completely naive idiot. I don't need a ring on my finger to know that someone is committed to me. And, as his lover and his friend, I know him better than anyone. We spend every waking moment together, and have done so since we met.

So, why do I feel so devastated? This isn't any big surprise to me.

I think that panic that I feel is me realizing that time is ticking away and I guess I'm not sure what I'm doing. We love each other, but he doesn't want the things I want. Hell, I'm not even sure what I want! Sometimes I yearn for a baby so bad, I can't stand it. Other times, I just feel like it's not in the cards for me, and I'm okay with that. But, when Jack died so suddenly a few weeks ago, I really started to freak out. I know that life is too short, so why am I wasting mine??

Please don't get on here and bash him. None of this is his fault. He's been completely honest with me from the beginning. I'm such an idiot for thinking I could love him enough for him to change his mind. I went through this same thing with my husband. I waited EIGHT years before we were married, and I feel like I'm too old to do this shit again.

He is the perfect mixture of everything I want in someone. He's kind and generous. He's loving and affectionate. He's funny as hell......and I think he's totally sexy. What else could I possibly need??

We have such a great life here together with my two dogs, who he absolutely adores. My family loves him. He loves spending time with me. So, why am I so fuckin mad at him? For telling me the truth? Maybe it's because I feel like his psycho ex-wife was good enough to marry, so why am I not?? Just because their marriage was terrible (as was mine), doesn't mean that ours would be. And, I'm not even trying to rush into marriage. It's just that if I know he never wants that, why am I still here?

It's like the same things I love about him, also make me furious sometimes. He is very independent, which I love. But, at the same time I get upset sometimes when he doesn't want to do things with me. I guess because we've basically done everything together since we met. He is extremely career oriented and is basically on call 24/7. But, at the same, I get tired of coming in second all the time. He travels alot for work, and sometimes doesn't get to call me alot while he's gone. I can understand that. I really can. But, sometimes I feel like surely there is SOME point in the day when he could at least call periodically to see how I'm doing.
Before I end this tirade, I just want to say that I totally trust him. I know for the people on the outside, they may have all kinds of scenarios running throught their minds, about his lack of commitment to the future. Trust me, I've thought of them all!!
I've just felt such a connection with him. More than anyone I've ever been with. We have this sort of weird unspoken bond between us that makes me feel so good. We can communicate with just a look. We finish each other's sentences. And most of all, we ENJOY each other.
I think I'm just freaking out. I don't know why I can't just sit back and see how it unfolds. Why I always have to be in a huge rush for everything. I guess because of what I said earlier. I was with my ex-husband for almost 14 years, and you see where that got me???

Basically, all I can say is that I love him. That I want to be with him. And, I really have no idea what else to say.

I know I'm rambling, but this is my first post in a long time, and I've got a lot on my mind. Please forgive this chaotic mess.

FUCK.

Anyway, I know this picture will be pretty disappointing, considering I've haven't done HNT in two weeks, but this picture basically sums up this post.

My two newest tattoos represent FAITH & HOPE. Those are the things I have always relied on, and I will continue to do so.
Hope everyone is doing well!!
Much Love, As Always - jINSANE XO

23 Comments:

Blogger Supercock Opined...

Man oh man, what a tough set of choices. Remember, like you said, there are only two of you in the relationship, only you can decide what is right for you.

Do what feels right, fuck time, fuck protocol, fuck everything and everyone. If it doesn't work out then move on. I always say you should never regret not doing something!

Welcome back to HNT too, nice tats, very sexy!

September 13, 2007 11:58 AM  
Blogger tkkerouac Opined...

Wow, I feel for you.
you both met on the rebound.
He was very honest with you and the hard part now is for you to really "Hear it" and let it sink in.
My second X said those things to me also, and I finally had to "move on from him"
In fact, he still trys to make contact through the blog and I don't even want a friendship because, as you said
Its about precious time
and I'd rather share my life with someone who "wants the same things"
your panic is about the fact "that you don't feel safe"

I hope you stay strong and stay true to the things that you really want in life.

Beautiful Tats, Beautiful Girl
Happy HNT!

September 13, 2007 11:59 AM  
Blogger Blissfully Wed Opined...

My wife might feel a bit of your pain.

We dated/lived together for 4+ years, broke up for a year or so (she was tired of waiting), and then finally married in '02. I'm glad I changed my mind on marriage, but that's just me.

My best to you. I'm really rooting for you. I love your back. ;)

September 13, 2007 12:09 PM  
Blogger Lapis Ruber Opined...

Sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. It's still a lovely picture. Happy HNT

September 13, 2007 12:46 PM  
Blogger Flyinfox_SATX Opined...

I think you took the first step and you got it out of your system. I think you can start putting the pieces together here. It really isn't as bad as you think. Obviously he was very hurt and now you are feeling the effects of him being gun-shy. Just keep doing what you are doing and everything will work out.

Flyinfox_SATX

September 13, 2007 12:49 PM  
Blogger Vixen Opined...

*hugs* Life is so damn hard sometimes. *grumble grumble*

The picture is breathtaking though.... Seriously.

happyHNT!

September 13, 2007 1:23 PM  
Blogger Osbasso Opined...

Wow. You come back with vengeance, don't you? I'm the last person to give relationship advice, so I won't. But it's good to hear from you (I've been a little worried...).

I AM good at spotting good half-nekkid pictures, and yours is mighty fine!

September 13, 2007 1:53 PM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

That sounds horrible kid, but as well as this man may fullfil a lot of your needs if he doesn't have the same long term goals is he really the right guy?

I hope in the end it works out for you.

September 13, 2007 2:30 PM  
Blogger Professor Fate Opined...

Happier HNTs. Faith and Hope are excellent thing. And it is not disappointing. It is what you choose to share.

Here is my $0.02 worth on the rant:
Starting a sexual relationship with your not quite divorced yet male roommate when you are quite divorced yet is the basic recipe for a classic rebound relationship.

Women don't ruin men. Men are simple creatures that women train. He isn't ruined just because the previous training has caused behaviors that you don't like.

Two households are an expense, but he has been trained that he needs a safety net. That is part of who he is. To love him is to accept that.

Two houses doesn't mean that you can't still spend your time together. It just adds a change of scenery.

If you require some basic things like marriage and kids and he cannot/will not provide them, then you need to decide if you are willing to settle for not having them because of everything else he offers.

September 13, 2007 2:37 PM  
Blogger ~d Opined...

(I like your tattoos. I also like the placement of them-(umm, location) and WHY you got them)

The rest of your post, I read most of it, but I almost felt like I was (intruding?) b/c I have never been here before and how personal (our) raw emotions are.

HHNT!

September 13, 2007 2:46 PM  
Anonymous Kelso Opined...

Jen, sorry to hear about Jack and everything else you have been going through.

I second the thought of The Prof to see if you can give up 2 things that you really want for the rest of what you are getting. I myself have given up a lot and regret it. My life has taken a downward spiral and I don't know if there is a way up and out or not. I keep it all in so as not to be judged by anyone, which is not healthy either.

Don't settle if you really want it. Stay true to yourself. And as you said, it is the two of you in your relationship, so you can take what I say as a grain of salt!

September 13, 2007 2:47 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Super: Thanks so much for the pep talk. I agree with you. I think I will just continue to do what feels right.

TK: I wouldn't necessarily call it a rebound, because we had both been away from our exes for a long time before we met each other. At times it's hard for me to stay true to myself, because I'm not even sure what I want sometimes. LOL

Bliss: Thanks sweets!! Hopefully, he will come around like you did. I think it would be a great move on his part!! LMAO

Lapis: Thanks!!

Flyinfox: Thank you so much for the encouragement. I'm hoping that being patient and loving is all I need to do!!!

Vix: Thanks for your sweet words, as always!!

Os: I sure do. You know it's hard for me to bottle up my emotions. They all just kinda came out at once!!! HHNT!!

WW: All I can do is hope and pray. I think my life would be alot worse without him!!

Prof: First of all - I didn't start a relationship with my roommate. We had already started dating before he moved in. But, I understand the rest of your comment, and I truly appreciate it. Thanks for giving me something to chew on.

D: Come back for some more sometime. I am an extremely open and emotional person. I would love to hear any advise or comments you would like to make. Thanks for stopping by.

Kelso: My dear OLD friend. Glad to hear from you. I'm so sorry that your life is as downhill as mine right now. Hopefully there are good things in store for both of us!! Much Love Girlie!!!

September 13, 2007 3:25 PM  
Blogger eddie Opined...

Dear only you can decide what you need to make you happy in life, and i wish the best for you , you are cute as all hell and seem to have a great way about you, love the new tattoos, my new one on my neck stands for broken, have my upper arms done now, be sweet and if you need a ear let me know, eddie

September 13, 2007 5:44 PM  
Anonymous SeaRabbit Opined...

At least, he is honnest... you have no surprise to expect but a reverse of his choices... what can always happen... But I know it is hard... We have our share of difficulties too...
But, yes, love can do miracle... ;-)
I wish you the best for you... but it is probably something you have no idea about yet... ;-)
I love those tattoos...;-)
HHNT!

September 13, 2007 5:54 PM  
Blogger Bob Opined...

For what it's worth and based on my experience, men with baggage (an ex-spouse and children) don't have the long range goals men and women have who don't have the baggage. This guy has kids. Why would he want more? He's been married. Why would he want to get married again? While the latter may come true for you, my money is on the former - it's likely he won't want any more kids. Why? The potential of another failed marriage and even more child support to pay.

In the end, we can only change ourselves.

September 13, 2007 6:26 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Eddie: Thanks for your support as always!!

Sea: I do hope that everything turns out!!! I really, really, really do!

Bob: He doesn't have any children. I'm not sure where you got that????

September 13, 2007 7:34 PM  
Blogger ~Tim Opined...

For what it's worth, I'm sending positive energy your way. Hang in there.

HHNT

September 13, 2007 7:50 PM  
Blogger Tomscockwhore Opined...

You story sounds very similar to mine. I understand all too well what you are going through!

You are very sexy - HHNT and keep your chin up!

September 13, 2007 8:58 PM  
Blogger TUG Opined...

I don't want to get too far into this as everyone else has pretty much said enough for me. But, given my recent experiences I'm at the point where I just want to do what makes me happy and not worry about the concequences or anything else.

But, I'm with the Prof about if you are wanting some big life things (kids, etc) and he's not, those are big obstacles to overcome.

Thanks for the new pic. HHNT!

September 13, 2007 11:52 PM  
Blogger ~art Opined...

1st your phot is not dissappointing.it's lovely. 2nd do what feels right to YOU.
peace~art

September 14, 2007 8:04 AM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

"Basically, all I can say is that I love him. That I want to be with him. And, I really have no idea what else to say."

Theres nothing really else you need to say to explain yourself. I hope everything works out for you darling.

BTW... I miss you.

-Twisty

September 14, 2007 9:25 AM  
Blogger Inkedweezel Opined...

I was in a similar situation, however I didn't own a home but same deal. We had lived together for a while and she wanted to have her own place but stay together. It's rough but you sound like you're crazy in love for the guy. Try talking to him about your fears or concerns.
Stay strong........and for the record....I wasn't disappointed by your beautiful picture.

September 14, 2007 1:19 PM  
Anonymous jsull28fl@yaho Opined...

first great pic as always

the one thing that jumped out at me was you said he is the perfect mixture of everything I want, then went on to say the things that you wish were diferent.
I see SC is with me on my motto for life.
Tis better to do it and regret it than not do it and never know.
The est anyoe can do in any situaion is make the the decision for them (and those that depend on them, if applicable) and stick with it.
I don't think his non-commital is a reflection on you but is more being very cautious.
One bitten, twice shy.
it does seem odd to want a different house if his choice is to be with you and only you, but even that doesn't make him a bad guy, just unsure of what he ultimately wants, probably because of Psycho-wife.
Anyway
Decide what Jen wants and then take it, make it happen, do not be denied, force it.
But be happy because you are right life is to short to be with someone u dont want, have a job you dont like, live somewhere you dont like or hell do things you dont like.
go get 'em
and good luck
js

September 15, 2007 11:46 AM  

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