Let It Be

Sorry I didn't post yesterday! I know it's already Wednesday, so I kinda missed the window to post about the weekend, but it's my blog and I'll do whatever I want, damn it!

I really had a relaxing time. I didn't do a single thing on Friday night, which is VERY unusual for me. I just loafed around on the couch and watched TV. It was really, REALLY, really nice.

Side Note: I'm pretty sure I forgot to tell you all this, but when I went to help my sister in New York in January, I also went up there to get her dog, Jada, who she could no longer keep. Bryan decided that he was going to take her, which was a huge relief, because there was no way in hell I could let that dog go to the pound. Long story short - five months later, I have the dog. Bryan decided he couldn't keep her and I couldn't stand the thought of her going to someone I don't know. I'm really bad about that - I'd own 500 dogs, if I could. Even though I can't really afford double vet bills, etc., I thought maybe it would be good for Kloie to have a buddy. Jada and Kloie have been getting along OK. They are really hilarious to watch. No matter what toy one dog has, it wants what the other one's got. It's a trip!! I know you've all seen pictures of Kloie, she's a border collie mix and pretty small.

Jada is a boxer/lab mix, and she's a horse!!

I'm kinda afraid that she's going to hurt Kloie, because she gets so excited. But, so far, so good!

They really seem to enjoy playing with each other.

Anyway, back to my weekend recap. On Saturday, I started the day off by playing in the yard with the dogs. Jada freaked out when I turned the hose on. She started jumping into the spray and trying to eat it. It was priceless!! It felt so good to just be relaxed and laugh - even if I was by myself.

She was having an absolute ball!!

Look at her chest!! She's a brut!

I know this looks like she got slapped upside the face with the spray, but she was actually biting at it - and growling! I don't think I've ever laughed so hard!!

Of course, Kloie was hiding in the corner, she hates getting wet. What a diva!

After my fun in the yard, it was off to a massage. Hubby got me a gift certificate for Christmas, so I decided this was the perfect time to indulge. I could barely walk out of the salon by the time I was finished - I was so relaxed. I was told that I had the tightest back and shoulder muscles of any known human being. I wonder why???

After the massage, I picked up Daddy and we were off to the Beatles Festival. There were 10 different stages, so we just walked around and caught a little bit of each act.

It was packed and it was extremely hot. But, the cold beer and breeze coming off the river, made it all worthwhile.

I loved this shot! This is my favorite stage for concerts on the riverfront. It has the big water fountain, with some awesome skyline in the background! Not bad.

After seeing an incredible river sunset,

I was off to Karaoke!!

On Sunday and Monday, I spent the day with family, just being lazy. Nothing exciting to report.

Of course, I can't have a post with pictures, without including one of the beautiful Melly:

I could just eat her up!!

Last night was Melly's "graduation" from pre-school. It was hysterical. All of these five-year- olds, sitting in front of church, singing songs. They were actually very well-behaved. Kids are so awesome at that age.

Here's the GRADUATE!!!!

So......I've had a relatively drama-free last six days.

Hopefully, this isn't just the calm before the storm.

Midnight Musings

I miss those worry-free summer nights that I had just two short years ago. The night air rustling my bedroom curtains and softly brushing my hair across my cheek.

I miss not having a reason to stay up late, but I do it anyway, just for the sake of savoring the extra time. This is when I dream. This is when I smile to myself and think of all the great moments that, I hope, wait for me.

These are the moments when I try to enjoy myself; when I'm restless. It's because I'm hoping I have great things to look forward to, not because I have endless pressures weighing me down and making each breath labored and heavy.

I will ALWAYS cherish the nights that I have alone.

I will NEVER forget how to dream.

I will ALWAYS be ready for something more.

My midnight moments are all I need to get out of bed and face the next morning.

My midnight moments are all I need to remind myself to be motivated, to stay positive, and to dream of a better life for myself.

When I wake in the morning, I'm not myself. I'm someone better. Someone to enjoy - Someone to love -Someone who dreams of a better tomorrow.

My old self lives forever, within a single night.

Oh No!! Not Again!!!

Last night was another round of bad storms through the area. I lost power at about 6:15 p.m. and spent the rest of the night in the dark, bored out of my mind, with two huge dogs laying on me panting all night! It might sound fun, but trust me, it was not! Thank God it didn't happen Wednesday night, because if I would have missed the season finale of Lost or American Idol - someone would have died! I just haven't been in the mood for games this week!

Mom called me late last night and told me that she got laid off - after 22 years!! She is/was an office manager for an OB/GYN office. Because the insurance rates have gone up so high for OB work, it just did them in. I feel so sorry for her and her boss, who's been like an uncle to me almost my entire life (except for the fact that he's seen me REAL up close and personal). LOL

He doesn't deserve to end his career this way!!! The fact that insurance costs about $300K a MONTH is absolutely ridiculous. How can any practice survive that??

Anyhoo, I wake up this morning with a huge tree laying across my driveway, blocking my car in and denting my fence. I still had no power and had to take a nice ice-cold shower. Figures, doesn't it?? Can just one day go by without anything catastrophic happening?

OK - on to more light-hearted things. This weekend is supposed to be the big blowout at the lake. However, for the second year in a row, the largest Beatle Festival in the world is returning to The Ville.



The three-day event brings together over 50 bands, from 12 countries. The weekend will include a Beatles film festival, lectures on the rock group and sale of memorabilia. This event is expected to generate an estimated economic impact of over $3 million for us, which is totally SWEET!!! The Festival used to be in Cleveland, but last year they decided to move it here! They are now in talks to make The Ville it's permanent site, and I am thrilled about that. Even if you're not a huge Beatle fan, just having the music playing and being outside - there is nothing better in my eyes!!! Of course, I have always been a HUGE Beatle fan thanks to my Daddy!

So, I'm not sure if I will go to the Festival, or go to the lake, or maybe BOTH!!! You guys know how I love to multi-task!!

I hope you all have a great holiday weekend!!! I'm going to try and stay busy and not dwell on the diaster that is my personal life!! Who knows, maybe I'll run off with the Beatles.

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 05.25.06

I'm not really sure why I chose this picture, because it was probably the worst one of all that I took last night! However, I think I liked it because it showed a little bit of everything: My beautiful ear, my gorgeous hair, my soft shoulder, one of my tattoos, my smooth lower back, and my awesome silky boy shorts - the most comfortable things in the world. I just felt really at ease, and that is what it's all about, right?

Happy HNT Everyone!

And My World Came Crashing Down....

As you all know, this last year and a half has been a one-way ride into hell. Here's a brief recap of the things I've endured over the last year and a half (in no particular order):

My husband filed for divorce.

Had a falling out with my family over the divorce.

Lost my job (obviously, I had no trouble finding a new one!).

Lost all of my friends (divorce sucks!).

Got t-boned at an intersection in my new car and fractured my foot.

Found out I had Melanoma.

Lost Bryan.

Had the vacation from hell, which included a near-death experience.

Made up, then had another falling out with Hubby.

Lost my best friend because of drugs.

Scared my step-daughter so bad by crying hysterically, that she called the police and I got escorted to the nut ward for a night.

Had my hubby come into my house and tear it apart.

I decided to write this all down, because, as the title states, my world came crashing down again last night.

A few months ago, I was in the process of refinancing my house, so that I could keep it in the divorce. Because of the fact that hubby and I are trying to make this as easy as we can on my step-daughter, we decided to let her continue to live with me. We didn't want to uproot her in the middle of the school year, etc. So, we put everything on hold - trying to do the right thing. Well, after my vacation from hell, which caused me to miss extra time from work, among other incidents, I'm not in as good of shape as I was initially to refinance. Hubby informed me last night that it's all over - he's taking my step-daugther this weekend. Which translates into - I'm screwed!! He was helping with half of the utilities, groceries, etc. while she stayed with me. Now, with no notice whatsoever, I'm stuck with everything - which I can't afford. And, on top of that, I'm no in shape to obtain financing for my house. I'm about to lose everything I've worked so hard for.

Even with everything else wrong in my life, he and I had formed a new relationship where everyone got along. That, in itself, made things alot easier for me. Now, out of nowhere, it's all gone!

This is the most desperation I've ever felt in my life.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how, exactly, one pulls themselves out of the pits of hell?

Who Am I? Where Am I?

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, but I decided to take a half-day off, so I could clean up from the shower, etc. The weekend went very well! I actually managed to do everything I said I was going to do in Friday's post. I probably shouldn't have! LOL

As soon as I got off work Friday, I immediately started running around to get some last minute things. After leaving the first place I had stopped, I get out in the parking lot and my car won't start. After sitting there for an hour and a half, I finally got a jump and had to drive straight to Auto Zone and pay for a new battery (with money I didn't have)! After wasting all that time sitting around, I was way behind schedule. Long story short, I didn't get to bed until about 3:30 a.m., and had to get up at 8:00 a.m. After waking up, I had to drop my dog off at the "sitter's", and pick up the balloons. My friend, Jen, was supposed to show up at about 12:30 to help me decorate. First she overslept and then on her way to pick up the cake, her car dies! What are the chances of that? Anyway, she didn't show up until 10 minutes before everyone else, so I was running around like a mad woman trying to decorate and pull everything together before the guests arrived. Geeezzzzz.

I think my sister was very happy with the turnout and she got alot of really nice gifts. I was pleased with the way it all turned out, except for the fact that I'm dead broke! Having Mother's Day, my sister's birthday, and this shower all in the same week has totally bled me dry!

This was the food table. I thought the little decorations were cute!


I had a few of these hanging from the tree in my front yard, along with some pink wind diva's (at least that's what we call them here - hope you know what I mean). It gave it a nice whimsical feel. I had the shower on my front porch - which is large and screened in. The weather was awesome and it was nice to sit on the porch and watch these floating in the breeze.

Here was some of the loot!!! She also got a stroller/car seat combo too, which was really cool!

Here's Melly taking part in some of the games we played. She just loves her new short haircut!

Here's me, Em and Melly!! She was having a great time!

Em, Mom and Me!! It was so cute.....Mom, Em and Melly all showed up color coordinated...I was thankful that I had decided to wear the same color tank top underneath my pink shirt!! Weird!!!

Here is Melly showing off the card she made for her Mommy! How cute is that?

This is a special surprise that I had for my sister! I took her latest ultrasound picture, bought a signature matte frame and had all of the guests secretly sign it for her. She seemed very touched!!

The shower ended around 6:30 p.m. - it was a pretty long one! I didn't take my buddy, Scott's, advice and take a nap. I immediately left and picked up my dog from the "sitter's", brought her home, changed clothes and headed out for Karaoke. Even though I was dead tired, I was determined to have some fun! As you all know, I haven't been in the best spirits lately, and with all the planning and stress of making the shower perfect, on top of work and everything else, I just wanted to blow off some steam. Boy, did I ever!!

The picture that follows was taken at about 2:30 a.m. of me and my friend,(and Karaoke partner), Robyn. I can't beleive I'm even posting this. We were absolutely hammered!!!

Robyn is separated from her husband too, so we're just trying to get by right now! She is the friend that invited me to go to the track on Sunday. Needless to say, we both felt awful the next day, but we got up and made it to "meeting point" on time.

Hey - I don't look too bad with a hangover - at least my eyes are open!! LOL

Here was our ride to and from the track!!

The band of misfits! In the pink shirt is my friend, Stephanie, who is Robyn's sister. (She doesn't look hungover either, does she?) The gentleman in the shades is Joe, a fellow Tammer; Me; Robyn, and the silver-haired fox - Robyn and Steph's dad!! We had to take our group in three shifts in the limo! There were 24 of us!!

So, when we finally got to the track, we were escorted up to Millionaire's Row! I had no idea what to expect when I decided to go, but it wasn't that! We were all in heaven!! It must be extremely nice to be rich - we were treated like royalty. Us, simple folk, aren't used to such luxuries!

This was our suite. It came with a completely stocked bar, along with our own bartender, and some of the best food I've ever eaten. It also had a betting machine, so that we didn't have to mingle with the common-folk, and a spectacular view of the track. This is where the celebs watch the Derby!!! I was so impressed.

This was the view from our private balcony!! You could see the entire track, which is unbelievable!!!

The other side of our balcony was right next to the twin spires - which, as I mentioned in my Derby post, are the most famous thing about Churchill Downs. It was really special for all of us!! And, NO, that's not a beer in my hand! OK - I'm lying! Hair of the dog, baby!!!

Now, remember, my day didn't end here - I still had to go watch my dad play. So, after the limo ride back, we split up so that I could go home and let my dogs out, and Robyn and Steph wanted to change. So, after driving all the way home, I turned around and drove all the way back to pick up the girls and head down to the river. By this time I was an absolute zombie - to be honest - I think we all were!! But, we're Southern Girls - we're used to it!!

This was the best picture I could get at Captain's Quarters. The place was absolutely packed. My Dad is right below the ceiling fan. Anyway, we stayed about two hours and had a blast. The weather was great, the breeze from the river was amazing, but I was dead tired!!!

This is the sunset we saw on the way home. Two days in a row of seeing sunrises and sunsets, with hardly any sleep in between, was enough for me. At least for a week anyway! This weekend is Memorial Day weekend, and that always means a blowout at the lake!!! God help us all!

Let The Games Begin

What a week this has been!!! I have been so stressed at work. I think there was only one day this week that I actually made it home before dark. On top of that, I've been running wild trying to get everything together for my sister's baby shower, which is tomorrow!! I've still got some last minute stuff to get, but it's all shaping up!! I made all the favors, bought and wrapped all the game prizes, hand-made some games for us to play, and tonight, I get to clean my entire house, cook all the food and finish getting the games in order. Then, in the morning, I have to go get the balloons and the cake; take the dogs to a friend's house to watch during the shower; and decorate the entire house. I'm expecting about 15-20 people, so it should be pretty intense. I always take hosting things very seriously - maybe too much!!! I just want it to be perfect for her.

After the shower, I'm supposed to head out with some friends for karaoke. I don't really feel up to it, since I've been running non-stop all week. But, I feel bad because I've turned them down about three times in the last week and a half.

Sunday, I've been invited to Churchill Downs for the races with my friend, Robyn. It's some kind of promotional thing that she got tickets to. We get to ride around in a limo and watch the races from a luxury box!! Then, it's off to Captain's Quarters - which is a nice restaraunt/bar on the River. Dad's band is playing, so it should be the perfect end to the day.

Wait a minute!!! Is there any time in there for me to REST this weekend???

I didn't think so.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Take a nap and relax for me, OK???

*Jenanxious*

Half-Nekked Thursday - Anniversary

Happy Anniversary HNT!!!! (And Happy Birthday to my sister!!!!)

In keeping with the guidelines for this week, below is my very first HNT submission:

My latest "ink".


The second part of this week's guidelines was to have a celebratory picture of some kind. Since I've been working so much overtime, and have tons of other obligations to take care of, I didn't get to go "all out" like I wanted to, but I did celebrate by blowing some bubbles. I think I got really lucky when I got this shot, because it took at the exact same time that a bubble floated past the lens. I was pretty excited!!!

Jen's Meltdown #137

I decided to go with 137 because that's how many days have passed so far this year, and I've basically been depressed for every single one of those days.

I'm having another string of days where I feel like I'm losing my mind and that I'm WAY too sensitive about everything. I know it's only human to have days like this, so why do I feel so alone?? Most of my regular readers already know that something is always wrong when I go day after day and don't post much of anything personal. It just takes me a while to process everything. And when my mind is overwhelmed, I take the easy way out and post lighthearted things.

I am in the process of planning my sister's baby shower - which is this Saturday. I want it to be so special for her; first of all because I love her more than life itself; and secondly because her husband is in Afghanistan. She's been under alot of stress and I just want her shower to be awesome. She's getting upset because some of her friends can't make it due to other obligations - and I understand that. I tried to explain to her that she's been gone to New York for over a year and lost touch with alot of people and most of her husband's family lives out-of-state - in addition to the fact that OUR family is extremly small. I don't want her day to be ruined because of a small turnout, and I don't want her to take it personally - which I know she will - because she's my sister. Sensitivity runs in the family - it's our curse!!! In addition to worrying about her, I'm having a hard time because I'm helping her celebrate something I may never have - a family of my own! I know I'm still young, the future is bright - blah, blah, blah.

I guess it goes back to me thinking I had the perfect life until it all came crashing down around me a little over a year ago. A twelve year relationship down the drain. Now, I have a rocky relationship with hubby, who told me in the middle of our separation that he no longer wants children; and Bryan, who loves me to pieces and is terrific, but who wants more than I am able to give right now. Letting go of 12 years is extremely hard, but shouldn't it be easier knowing that I would have to give up having a family of my own? Will this mess ever work itself out? It's been a year and a half now, and I'm as miserable and confused as I was when it started. I try to take positive steps and keep busy and try new things, but I always end up reverting back to being depressed. I'm scared to death of regretting my actions and it's causing me to make terrible decisions out of fear.

You know, it's easier for me to smile, and laugh, and be the fun, outgoing person that everyone wants to be around, even when I'm utterly depressed, than it is for me to face the fact that I've messed up. That I don't know what I want.....or who I want. To admit that I form friendships and relationships too fast, because I'm so passionate about people and about life, but when that wears off, I move on to new people and new places. To admit that I feel like an outsider in my own family - that I have to always make the first move to be included in anything my parents and sister do. It fuckin' sucks for me.

Now, I'm 33 years old, with no family of my own, no real friends to speak of and basically no hope. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people to hang out with, I just don't know if they are people that I can really count on. Doesn't everyone want that?? How do you begin to form lifelong relationships with people when you're in your 30's? Most people have friends from childhood, friends from college, co-workers from past jobs - from wherever. Why don't I?? I have gone seriously wrong somewhere and I have no idea how to fix it.

I know there are so many people out there with far less than I have, and it makes me feel guilty to complain. But I'm not complaining about material things. I could give a rat's ass about those things. I'm upset because I don't have the most important thing in the world to me - the feeling that I'm loved....by my family and my friends. Isn't that pathetic?

XO - Jenpression

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful; ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then, you are probably.........





The Family Dog!!!

Mother

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?", she asked. And the guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we could not have done it without you." And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I've given them strength."

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said, "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night, the mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."

And the days went on, and the weeks and months and the years, and the mother grew old. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence......."

Your mother is always with you....she's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter, and she's crystalized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take.

Sick and Tired

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 05.11.06

This week has been totally exhausting. I'm so glad it's Thursday!!!

Happy HNT Everyone!

132nd Kentucky Derby - Run for the Roses

Wow! Sorry guys! I didn't mean to cause such a stir. I just figured everyone would know that I was recovering from the weekend. And, boy, did I have one hell of a weekend! The Derby is a very hard thing to explain. And for those of you who have never experienced it, or even if you have, if you don't live here - you'll never fully grasp it.

The Derby is something that all of us "natives" have grown up with. It's a very serious part of our heritage and it's something that we are extremely proud of. The history and inspiration of the events surrounding the Derby are something that we all hold dear, and everyone - and I mean everyone - celebrates!!! It's not just a four or five hour party one day of the year. This celebration lasts two weeks and the final two days - Oaks and Derby Day - are something that you should actually train for!! LOL!!

I literally went on about three hours of sleep between Friday and Sunday. It's just non-stop action from dusk til' dawn.

One of the best things about where I live is our hospitality. We have so many people come to our town from all over the world during Derby Week, and everyone is in such a great mood! It's just the most fun and exciting time, even for our visitors! I made so many new friends over the weekend that my head was spinning - of course that may have been from all the partying!!!

I took some pictures while I was at the track (and hijacked some). I hope you enjoy them!!

This is the "infield" which is the party section of the track. If you want to be classy and regal, you can sit in the grandstand - which is in the background - but what is the fun in that? The twin spires (which you also see in the background) are the most famous part of Churchill Downs. The track is absolutely beautiful and we take great pride in it!

Another thing about the Derby is fashion!!! For the ladies, it's generally all about the hat. I'm not sure where or why that got started, but that tradition has been around long before I was!! As far as being in the infield, the more outrageous the outfit, the better. It's all about letting loose and having fun!!

The funniest part about the goofy outfits is that you can always tell who the tourists are!! Most Kentuckians get into, but not as much as the out-of-towners. It's always fun to just "people watch". These guys were from Chicago.

They were from New York.

You never know what you're going to see in the infield - which is part of the fun!!! This guy was absolutely hilarious! He would pick someone who was standing around and make up an entire song about them and their outfit. I know I stood there for at least 30 minutes - or three beers - however you want to look at it!

This guy was from Cincinnati. His quote for me was that he wanted to be "that guy" (meaning the one who made the biggest fool of himself in the infield). Mission Accomplished!!!

These guys were next to us in the infield. The started out sitting in a nice little circle, talking amongst themselves - until about three hours later (and many, many, many drinks later).

I met her in the bathroom when she commented on my hat, and wanted her picture taken. I can't remember her name or where she was from - but she did tell me that she couldn't believe how nice and friendly everyone was. You'd think with all of the alcohol involved, it would get really ugly, but 99% of the time - it's all about the love!! Which makes me very proud.

My obligatory "Derby Hat" picture. I was loving life by the time we left on Friday!

This is me and my friend, Steph, who was having trouble getting out of the car. LOL - I was then off to another party!

I lost every bet I placed on Friday. BUT - I was 6 out of 7 on Derby Day - and that was pretty damn good!!!! I even had the Derby Winner!!! I would tell you guys how much money I won, but if I divulge that information, I will have to kill you all!!!

Another Derby came and went - and I'm still standing - BARELY.

ARGHHHH

I've been trying to post all morning, but I keep getting kicked out! I'm working on it!!!

What The Hell Happened?

IN RECOVERY UNTIL TOMORROW

Oaks Day

Well, today is the running of the Oaks. It's fastly becoming almost as big as the actual Derby!! Like I've said before, the Ville essentially shuts down during Derby Week, so I actually get off at noon today! Whoo Hoo!!!

Today will be my maiden voyage into the chaos that is the infield, the section in the middle of the race track. I'm going with about eight people, so it should be a blast. And, of course, I'm taking my camera. LOL

If all goes well, I may go tomorrow for the Derby. I've been a few times and it is total bedlam!!!

Anybody have any bets they want me to place for them????

Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend!! It'll probably take me three weeks to recover from this one!!

I will leave you with a little horse humor in honor of the big weekend!