Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Jen's Meltdown #137

I decided to go with 137 because that's how many days have passed so far this year, and I've basically been depressed for every single one of those days.
I'm having another string of days where I feel like I'm losing my mind and that I'm WAY too sensitive about everything. I know it's only human to have days like this, so why do I feel so alone?? Most of my regular readers already know that something is always wrong when I go day after day and don't post much of anything personal. It just takes me a while to process everything. And when my mind is overwhelmed, I take the easy way out and post lighthearted things.
I am in the process of planning my sister's baby shower - which is this Saturday. I want it to be so special for her; first of all because I love her more than life itself; and secondly because her husband is in Afghanistan. She's been under alot of stress and I just want her shower to be awesome. She's getting upset because some of her friends can't make it due to other obligations - and I understand that. I tried to explain to her that she's been gone to New York for over a year and lost touch with alot of people and most of her husband's family lives out-of-state - in addition to the fact that OUR family is extremly small. I don't want her day to be ruined because of a small turnout, and I don't want her to take it personally - which I know she will - because she's my sister. Sensitivity runs in the family - it's our curse!!! In addition to worrying about her, I'm having a hard time because I'm helping her celebrate something I may never have - a family of my own! I know I'm still young, the future is bright - blah, blah, blah.
I guess it goes back to me thinking I had the perfect life until it all came crashing down around me a little over a year ago. A twelve year relationship down the drain. Now, I have a rocky relationship with hubby, who told me in the middle of our separation that he no longer wants children; and Bryan, who loves me to pieces and is terrific, but who wants more than I am able to give right now. Letting go of 12 years is extremely hard, but shouldn't it be easier knowing that I would have to give up having a family of my own? Will this mess ever work itself out? It's been a year and a half now, and I'm as miserable and confused as I was when it started. I try to take positive steps and keep busy and try new things, but I always end up reverting back to being depressed. I'm scared to death of regretting my actions and it's causing me to make terrible decisions out of fear.
You know, it's easier for me to smile, and laugh, and be the fun, outgoing person that everyone wants to be around, even when I'm utterly depressed, than it is for me to face the fact that I've messed up. That I don't know what I want.....or who I want. To admit that I form friendships and relationships too fast, because I'm so passionate about people and about life, but when that wears off, I move on to new people and new places. To admit that I feel like an outsider in my own family - that I have to always make the first move to be included in anything my parents and sister do. It fuckin' sucks for me.
Now, I'm 33 years old, with no family of my own, no real friends to speak of and basically no hope. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people to hang out with, I just don't know if they are people that I can really count on. Doesn't everyone want that?? How do you begin to form lifelong relationships with people when you're in your 30's? Most people have friends from childhood, friends from college, co-workers from past jobs - from wherever. Why don't I?? I have gone seriously wrong somewhere and I have no idea how to fix it.
I know there are so many people out there with far less than I have, and it makes me feel guilty to complain. But I'm not complaining about material things. I could give a rat's ass about those things. I'm upset because I don't have the most important thing in the world to me - the feeling that I'm loved....by my family and my friends. Isn't that pathetic?
XO - Jenpression

16 Comments:

Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

Princess, its hard to show you my love from so far away! I know you have a lot of 'online' friends but we obviously would be more than that if you were here or I, there.

The family thing is the same thing I deal with. I am the only sibling in my NC family that doesnt talk to fam regularly. I am rarely invited to thier excapades and have to just about always make the first move to be a part of anything.

Relationship-wise I wont even go there, because I dont need to.

It will get better sweety, no timeline can tell you when but it will happen without you realizing it and you will look back and go "OMG, when did I get all these things?"

-Twisty

May 17, 2006 12:04 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: My SM! It's great to hear from you - I've missed you more than you'll ever know. Thanks for making me smile - and cry - today! XO

May 17, 2006 12:16 PM  
Blogger icy_highs Opined...

well i guess to feel lonely is the most human thing of all. given hw u start off wt ten months in someones womb, and a whole lot of nurturing till ur almost-adult, id say we;'re quitely badly dependent on other people. of course evrybdy lets u down. thats just hw it is.

May 17, 2006 1:51 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Icy: Thanks for stopping by! It's not really that I feel lonely, per se, just unloved sometimes.

May 17, 2006 1:58 PM  
Blogger Mr. Althouse Opined...

If it's any consolation, I had to hit the reset button big time when I was 40. All of my "daily" friendships are new. The only ones that have been around longer than three years aren't around - geographically anyway. Distance tends to chill friendships - even very close ones - after enough time has elapsed.

The bottom line is that I do have longtime friends that I talk to infrequently and see even less. When shit hits the fan, they are not the "go-to" friends I need. It's not their fault or mine, they just don't have the day-to-day familiarity of a "best-friend." The kind of friend that already sorta knows whats up with me, I don't have to fill them in.

Needless to say, these new friendships are still in the early stages of developement. The good news is that, believe it or not, I can still make friends. And so can you. Just be patient, take it slow and try to relax. Don't internalize external issues. If they're not yours, don't claim them. It's OK, really. Hang in there, you have friends that you have never even met!

XO Mike

May 17, 2006 3:35 PM  
Blogger Scott Opined...

Keep your chin up. You have obviously been through a lot in this past year. Take care of yourself.

Scott

May 17, 2006 4:26 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Mike: Thanks so much for the "pick me up". I am generally a positive thinker, but sometimes I just have my days!!

May 17, 2006 6:29 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Scott: I've been through hell and back. ;o(

May 17, 2006 6:29 PM  
Blogger Ellen Opined...

As hard as it is to get past the place you are now, it will happen and you will be able to look back and wonder why you were stuck for so long. I've hit my reset button MANY times, and finally got to a point where I remembered that I was a survivor first, and all the rest of the garbage was just that: GARBAGE. Sounds easier than can be done, but time does heal. It's just that time takes time when you want it to be all well sooner.
I'm not even sure if this all makes sense. Regardless, I send you best wishes for suny days ahead, and know in my heart they will happen for you.

Sending many hugs to you, my friend, because I know you need those more right now. And perhaps someday you can come down to Hotlanta so we can go party!

Take care, chickadee!

May 17, 2006 8:06 PM  
Blogger Mattbear Opined...

I can relate on some level, in that just yesterday I was feeling completely lost and hopeless about some things in my own life.

You can solve any problem, the question is only how hard you want to work to solve it. Things are likely to get worse before they get better, but if you stay strong you will get past it.

Keep going. You'll make it through.

May 18, 2006 2:46 AM  
Blogger Snaggle Tooth Opined...

I have days like that sometimes too. Mostly when I'm tired (I'm always tired)! It's a price of independence. But you can always resolve to try to reach out to old or new people if you choose.

You don't find love n kids, they find you! I don't think you choose a good, intimate relationship. Everytime I tried to "pick" one, the other person wasn't on the same page...
Guess you're feeling time pressure, n the old bio-clock tic'n- don't panic, you have more time! (just keep an eye out)!
Hang in there-

May 18, 2006 4:55 AM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

Sometimes the people you could count on end up being the one's that hurt you. The endless quest for that divine love ripped out of the pages of classic literature is a noble one, but a rough one indeed.

Perhaps it's not the end of the journey we should look at, but how we get there. We are all directors in our film called life and there are things that we can control, but we must want to first.

Maybe I should start drinking heavily on a regular basis and pawn my psychobabble as profound wisdom.

May 18, 2006 5:17 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Ellen: Thanks Sweet Cheeks!!! What nice comments!! Thanks for the invite...you might be sorry! LOL

May 18, 2006 9:44 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Mattbear: Thanks for stopping by and for the pep talk! I appreciate it!

Snags: I know...I know!! At least I don't need a walker quite yet!! LOL

WW: "Maybe I should start drinking heavily on a regular basis and pawn my psychobabble as profound wisdom." Don't you do that already? Just Kidding! You know what a jokester I am!!

Thanks for your comment - I always welcome them!

May 18, 2006 9:47 AM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Jen - I know how you feel. You start feeling like you're a cork floating around in the ocean.

I can count my good friends on one hand. I lost alot of people because of high expectations of them. One's that they couldn't possibly live up to.

Look at it this way, you have alot of E-Buddies that are always here for you to cry on our shoulders.

It's not to late for anything for you. You're still young and beautful. The world is yours. :)

Peace & Hugs,

- Neo

May 18, 2006 6:27 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Neo: So, if I was ugly and old, I'd be screwed right??? LOL

Thanks precious!!

May 19, 2006 9:46 AM  

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