Jen's Meltdown #137

I decided to go with 137 because that's how many days have passed so far this year, and I've basically been depressed for every single one of those days.

I'm having another string of days where I feel like I'm losing my mind and that I'm WAY too sensitive about everything. I know it's only human to have days like this, so why do I feel so alone?? Most of my regular readers already know that something is always wrong when I go day after day and don't post much of anything personal. It just takes me a while to process everything. And when my mind is overwhelmed, I take the easy way out and post lighthearted things.

I am in the process of planning my sister's baby shower - which is this Saturday. I want it to be so special for her; first of all because I love her more than life itself; and secondly because her husband is in Afghanistan. She's been under alot of stress and I just want her shower to be awesome. She's getting upset because some of her friends can't make it due to other obligations - and I understand that. I tried to explain to her that she's been gone to New York for over a year and lost touch with alot of people and most of her husband's family lives out-of-state - in addition to the fact that OUR family is extremly small. I don't want her day to be ruined because of a small turnout, and I don't want her to take it personally - which I know she will - because she's my sister. Sensitivity runs in the family - it's our curse!!! In addition to worrying about her, I'm having a hard time because I'm helping her celebrate something I may never have - a family of my own! I know I'm still young, the future is bright - blah, blah, blah.

I guess it goes back to me thinking I had the perfect life until it all came crashing down around me a little over a year ago. A twelve year relationship down the drain. Now, I have a rocky relationship with hubby, who told me in the middle of our separation that he no longer wants children; and Bryan, who loves me to pieces and is terrific, but who wants more than I am able to give right now. Letting go of 12 years is extremely hard, but shouldn't it be easier knowing that I would have to give up having a family of my own? Will this mess ever work itself out? It's been a year and a half now, and I'm as miserable and confused as I was when it started. I try to take positive steps and keep busy and try new things, but I always end up reverting back to being depressed. I'm scared to death of regretting my actions and it's causing me to make terrible decisions out of fear.

You know, it's easier for me to smile, and laugh, and be the fun, outgoing person that everyone wants to be around, even when I'm utterly depressed, than it is for me to face the fact that I've messed up. That I don't know what I want.....or who I want. To admit that I form friendships and relationships too fast, because I'm so passionate about people and about life, but when that wears off, I move on to new people and new places. To admit that I feel like an outsider in my own family - that I have to always make the first move to be included in anything my parents and sister do. It fuckin' sucks for me.

Now, I'm 33 years old, with no family of my own, no real friends to speak of and basically no hope. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people to hang out with, I just don't know if they are people that I can really count on. Doesn't everyone want that?? How do you begin to form lifelong relationships with people when you're in your 30's? Most people have friends from childhood, friends from college, co-workers from past jobs - from wherever. Why don't I?? I have gone seriously wrong somewhere and I have no idea how to fix it.

I know there are so many people out there with far less than I have, and it makes me feel guilty to complain. But I'm not complaining about material things. I could give a rat's ass about those things. I'm upset because I don't have the most important thing in the world to me - the feeling that I'm loved....by my family and my friends. Isn't that pathetic?

XO - Jenpression