Blogiversary....Blah....Blah....Blah
Well kiddies!! It’s been two years since I started my blog - and this is my 400th post!! Whoo Hoo!!
So....here are my thoughts after the last two years....I’ve learned nothing.
So much for the big motivational post, right? It’s the same old shit....I’m clueless. I’ve learned nothing, except the fact that I continue to repeat my same old mistakes. I’m a friggin idiot.
I have been drafting this post for some time...it will probably make no sense, because I just jotted down thoughts as they came to me. Parts of this post are from different days.....different emotions...different thoughts....so it will probably sound like a very bad bipolar episode, but what the hell??
Here goes nothing......and everything....
I'm tired of being the girl on the sidelines. The one that everyone thinks is cool and sweet and fun, but never the one that anyone wants to make a serious commitment to. I take the utmost pride in being the type of woman that any man can get along with, even at the sacrifice of having girlfriends. I'm not a woman who is into material things, but of things that really matter. Family, friends, love, affection - you know - the stuff that really matters at the end of the day.
I'm tired of being the girl on the sidelines. The one that everyone thinks is cool and sweet and fun, but never the one that anyone wants to make a serious commitment to. I take the utmost pride in being the type of woman that any man can get along with, even at the sacrifice of having girlfriends. I'm not a woman who is into material things, but of things that really matter. Family, friends, love, affection - you know - the stuff that really matters at the end of the day.
The problem with that is....that the men in my life get so used to me being one of the guys, that they forget that I'm their girlfriend. I'm the one who spends every waking moment of every day thinking about them. Making sure they have everything they need.....am I being selfish to want someone to do those things for me...even just once in awhile? I hate when I get on these rants, because it basically nullifies everything that I'm saying I am....but c'mon even saints have days where they feel taken for granted, right????
I got my horoscope while I was drafting this post and I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is what it said:
There is a power shift going on in your life, and it appears that other people have more power over you than you have over yourself! It is wonderful to be considerate of others, but overdoing that can be a bit ridiculous. Do not let other people affect your schedule today. A last-minute request from a friend shouldn't cause you to drop everything and mount an extensive rescue operation. Take care of yourself first, and remind other people that you can't be taken for granted.
Now, if that doesn’t fit into my current mood, I have no idea what does!! It’s amazing how dead-on those things are sometimes .
Sometimes I’m made to feel that the one moment when I choose to speak up - which trust me, isn't often - that I'm making some big scene or ruining the moment - well FUCK THAT! I do EVERYTHING for everyone around me. Don't I get a chance to have a bad day or be in a bad mood? I get sick even typing that. I'm not a whiner - even though I do that a lot on here - but isn't that the point of my blog in the first place??? Just to have a place to bitch? It’s hard for me though. After I started this blog, people in my "real life" wanted the address. Then I felt like I had to censor things I wanted to say, or couldn’t put what I really felt down because someone always takes it wrong and I have to explain. Well, you know what? I’m done doing that. This is my page. My space to put WHATEVER I WANT. So, you people out there, and you know who are....don’t take offense to anything I say. They are just my thoughts and feelings, and you know what? I’m entitled to them.
I look around when I get in moods like this and I have no one - any person my age, who would even remotely understand where I'm coming from, is either married, has kids, or is too out of their minds to even comprehend what I'm saying. I think I got a lot of this from my mother. She had me and got married extremely young, and has spent her entire life making it about the family. She doesn’t have a lot of friends, and she’s OK with that. I’m not. I'm a dying breed. Being a single, mid-30's, white female with no real friends and no children. I'm destined to be alone. The old chick with 200 cats.....of course, in my case that would be dogs.....
Long story short.....it feels like the old days - when I first started this blog. It's 1:28 in the morning, and I'm up rambling. I hope everyone who wanted me to start blogging like I used to is ready for the onslaught - because it's a comin....
I think alot about the relationships in my life...the ones I've had and lost, the ones I've just started, and I've come to some serious revelations about a few things. Especially, when it comes to my sister. My sister is like my child. I was almost 13 years old when she was born. I was so excited that I was finally going to have a brother or sister - I couldn't wait for her to be born. My parents put her nursery right across the hall from my room - their room was upstairs. So, needless to say, I was the one up with her every night...feeding her, rocking her to sleep. She was my little angel. I formed a bond with her that I will always have.
As she started getting older, she would sleep with me every night. She was my little snuggle buddy. When I left home at 17 - all I could think about was me. A young, stupid, selfish teenager. I have just realized over the last two years what that must have been like for her. To have me around all the time, and then one day, I just up and leave. She went from having her big sis around and sleeping with me, to having nothing just like that. I feel so guilty for that - even today. The strange part is, I'm mourning a relationship that I feel like I've lost, when she probably doesn't even remember any of the things that bond me to her. Isn't that strange? I've lost something that she probably isn't even aware of - and it hurts me. I love my family so much, but I've always felt like the outsider. It's a weird place to be. I feel sometimes that the problems my sister has with her self-esteem, with girlfriends, etc. etc. is partly my fault, because I wasn't there for her. She grew up alone, just like I did. And we are alot more alike than she realizes. We both don't have alot of friends, and we both base our entire lives around someone else's. I feel sorry for both of us sometimes....
Now she lives halfway across the country and she's lonely - just like I am. I hope that when she comes back home for good, that we can try to have the relationship we should have. Her and I are the new generation, and we need to try and keep our family together. I hope that we can.
Don’t get me wrong. I am pretty happy these days. I just have my moments, like everyone else. And the more I sat thinking back over the last two years, in preparation of making this post, I realized that I’m pretty much in the exact same spot I was when I first started blogging....when my world fell apart. I’m still struggling every day to make my life better, to get myself out of this hole I’m in....will the digging ever stop?? Will I ever get a break?
I guess these are questions for me to answer over the next two years.
Peace, Love and all that Mushy Stuff - Jenpolar - XO
posted by Jinsane at 11:14 AM
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