Love is a Battlefield

I have so much to say and so many things I want to get off of my chest, that I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess I’ll start with the present. 

I have fallen head over heels for someone, and they have fallen for me.  It seemed to happen out of nowhere, which is the way I hear that these things happen.  We just “get” each other.  One hour turns into two, then five, then ten and before you know it – an entire day has passed and we barely notice.  We are in a world all of our own.  Or at least I thought.

Here’s where things get dicey.

He is still technically married, even though they have been separated and have lived apart for five years. He told me this straight from the beginning, and after dealing with my own divorce years ago, I can understand how filing the paperwork is really just a detail. They have two children together: Boys, 15 and 18.  He had really never had a reason to “pull the trigger” until he met me. 

And it gets worse.

A few weeks into the relationship, I found out who his “wife” was:  A girl I went to grade school with, and whom I haven’t seen or spoken to in 27 years. 

My grade school was a very small, Catholic environment.  We only had 12 people in our class for all eight years.  We were a very tight group at the time and I still feel a bond with my classmates.  I have kept in contact with a few people, but she wasn’t one of them.

I hadn’t even thought about her until about five years ago, when I saw her mug shot on the news over a mobile meth lab.  I hated it for her at the time, because I knew she was better than that.

Fast forward to now and she is still battling her demons and, apparently, I have added fuel to the fire.  She knows about the relationship and we have had more than one run-in over it. 

I can’t help but feel some guilt, because I was raised to feel guilty about everything.  I also don’t like the feeling of sacrificing someone’s happiness for my own.  My defense to this situation is that the marriage was LONG over before I ever entered the picture.  She had left the family household and moved in with another man and sometimes goes weeks at a time without seeing her children.  Apparently, now that she knows he is seeing me – she begs him to take her back.  She calls crying and screaming and threatens suicide.  It’s nerve wracking. 

I have talked to so many people about this situation and all assure me that I’m doing nothing wrong.  However, I have to admit that it gives me pause when she lays a guilt trip on me.  Yet, my feelings for him overpower everything, and I don’t want to end things.  He is the best part of my day.

Please – anyone reading this – weigh in and tell me your thoughts.  I’m driving myself crazy.

Neck Kisses

I finally met a man who randomly kisses the back of my neck. I honestly believe that I've met my soulmate. 

We were in a crowded bar last night, and he leaned in and put his forehead on mine.  We sat there in total silence soaking each other in.  In a world all of our own.

He appreciates me.  He makes an effort to be with me. He makes me feel special and wanted.

It scares the living hell out of me.

It's a New Day

Well, I thought I was back and then I couldn't remember how to get into my dashboard.  Months later, I have finally prevailed. 

I hope to begin writing again on a regular basis.  I have A LOT to say.  I've been through hell and back at least three times since I stopped writing.  I'm ready to let it all out. 

For today anyway, I just wanted to say hello to anyone who is still out there.  I've missed my blogger friends. 

I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!

Is This Really MY Life?

It just dawned on me last night that I have a life full of regrets. I have no idea what to do about it or where to go from here. I'm only 37 years old, but I'm at that point in my life where I'm starting to panic because NOTHING is the way I want it to be. Am I going to grow old alone? Am I going to regret the fact that I never had a child? I don't want to live my life this way, but I can't control my thoughts or my feelings. I'm sad and I literally just realized that I don't know if I've ever been truly happy. I'm good at holding everything inside and putting a smile on my face, but I'm tired. I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm Alive

It's been forever since I've posted and I'm sure I've been long forgotten by my long-time readers....but I guess that's what I get for disappearing. I lost my "voice" for awhile and wasn't really sure what to write. I'm still working on getting my mojo back and hope to begin sharing my life again. I just wanted anyone who was wondering to know that I am alive and doing OK.

Just A Little Note....

Just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I'm actually having a good day today! My weekend has been nice and relaxing and I'm feeling a little more like myself. Hope this feeling stays around for awhile. I know that a big part of it is the fact that I have been staying at the man's house the last week because my heater went up in smoke. It's felt like old times when we lived together before. All I can say is this....I don't ask for much, but that feeling of waking up next to the person you love is all I need and want. It's been wonderful.

I'm dreading the day when I have to get back to reality.