Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The Examination of One's Self

As I sat home alone last night, I had ALOT of time to sit and think. It reminded me of a post I had back in November.....before most of you found me. I decided to look it up this morning, because I couldn't remember exactly what I'd written, and I knew it was a moment in time when I was really depresssed. After reading it through, I thought I would share it again, after some minor tweaking, because these are the same thoughts on my mind now:

"....I just decided to write about something stupid that I do. Don't ask me why I'm thinking about this right now. I guess it's because one of the things I love most about being me, is that I can entertain myself. I always have. Being an only child for so long, I guess I just learned fast how to depend on myself, and only myself.

Back to what I was going to say: Every time I get on someone's blog to comment, I always try to pronounce the letters of the word verification as an entire word. I really crack myself up with that. I even say it outloud as I'm typing it. I guess the reason why I wanted to post about this, is because just doing that when I got home tonight, made me feel better....made me laugh. Alot.

I love that I can cheer myself up.

As I was typing that last sentence, I decided to make a list of five things that I love about myself, and five things that I don't think are that great. Nothing wrong with a little soul searching. Even, brutal honesty towards one's self. I seem to be doing alot of that lately, what with my current situation. Anyway....here goes:

I LOVE ME BECAUSE:

I am a humble, unconceited person. But one who knows that I'm intelligent, funny, and dependable.

I have a big, wide-open heart, and I have faith that one day I will benefit from that.

I'm down-to-earth and easygoing. Most of my intense thoughts I keep to myself, because I don't like to make scenes or lose my temper.

I'm a very open person, who loves people - no matter what their race, shape, or religion. I truly believe that everyone was created equal. EVERYONE.

I really give of myself to the people around me. It makes me feel good to do things for others, or give them things, especially when I do it without expecting or wanting something in return.

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE:

I'm way too sensitive. Sometimes I wish that I didn't let what others think hurt my feelings so easily.

I'm not a "freak" about it or anything, but I am extremely organized and I really like things a certain way. It's not so much that I want to change that, I just wish I could get it through my head that, to some people, it's not that big of deal to them. And just let it go.

I can't say "No". (Minds out of the gutter please!)

I feel guilty alot. Even about things I can't control. (Back to being too sensitive.....)

The feeling I have sometimes that I hate all of the things I love about myself. There are times when I just wish that I could be a cold-hearted, unfeeling, bitch. Then maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm the only one around me that is suffering, while everyone else seems to be getting along just fine. I just wish I didn't feel so much - and so deeply - about even the smallest of things. I guess I'm just way too passionate about life, in general, sometimes.

So, there you have it! My most personal thoughts about myself. I have tons more, but I guess I should actually do some work now.

I hope you all have a terrific day!

XO - Jenlicious

10 Comments:

Blogger SkyeBlue2U Opined...

That's beautiful!!!!

April 04, 2006 10:43 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Sag Sis: Thanks! I wear myself out by using my brain WAY TOO MUCH! LOL

April 04, 2006 10:48 AM  
Blogger Scott Opined...

Excellent post. Really happy that you found those things in you that you love about yourself. I think that we neglect that side of ourselves too often.

Scott

April 04, 2006 11:00 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Scott: Thank you. I totally agree. People spend way too much time trying to figure out how to change themselves, without looking at the good stuff.

April 04, 2006 11:43 AM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

I love you because you're beautiful, you're my soulmate, you're caring, you're considerate, you have tattoos, God this could go on forever. Things I want to change about you.... your location. You're too darned far away!


-Twisty

April 04, 2006 11:46 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: How sweet are YOU? Talk about a boost to the ego! Thanks for making me feel better, and making me laugh....as always.

P.S. I've told you a 1000 times that my bags are packed! Road Trip???

April 04, 2006 11:54 AM  
Blogger Ellen Opined...

I remember this post, and thought you were so bold to put it all out there.

In the time that I've gotten to know you through your blog, I found that I could see those good qualities that came through in your writing. You ARE a good person, and it's the so-called *bad* qualities you think you possess, that bolster the good ones. It's ok to be sensitive and want to feel like a cold-hearted bitch every once in awhile. It's what reminds us that we have another side to our personalities that keeps us from taking that leap.
And personally, I see nothing wrong with being organized... it's a lesson you will later on learn that makes you discourage chaos. You will find yourself not wanting to take that road, only because you have seen it before... and it wasn't pretty.

It's all life's lessons, chickadee!
Before you know it, you'll be my age and wonder why you ever let the *small stuff* get you down.
(Yeah, they seem big now, but trust me, they'll be small in the comparision of time.)

I'm not sure this all made any sense or not, but I wanted you to know that the most important thing is to hang tight. It's only natural to get depressed at life's curve balls... it's how you handle them that keeps you sane.

Carry on and keep a smile in your heart... it's not like we all get out of this one alive anyway. You might as well be happy during your existance here, because it beats the alternative.

And I see hope, as you were able to cheer yourself up when you first wrote this.... a very good sign, indeed!

Ok... I'll just shut up now.....

April 04, 2006 1:44 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Ellen: My Queen of the Day! Of your entire comment, the thing that made me smile the most was "It's not like we all get out of this one alive anyway."

That may be my new mantra. Thanks for always having something positive and encouraging to send my way. It always, always, always, makes me feel better.

XO

April 04, 2006 1:49 PM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

"I can't say "No". (Minds out of the gutter please!)" - Yeah right. How do you expect any man to not instantly think of acts that involve public displayes of nudity?

Brave post. I could never be so open on my blog, except when it comes to lesbians, breasts, and the like.

April 05, 2006 12:29 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

WW: You are a trip! I always look forward to your comments, because I never know what you're going to come up with! Thanks for keeping me on my toes.

As far as being open on my blog, I figure, "Why Not?" That's why I started it in the first place. I'm an open book with nothing to hide. (Except certain nude body parts in public.) LOL

April 05, 2006 9:30 AM  

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