My Recurring Nightmare

It's never fun to have to examine yourself. It's a nightmare when someone tries to do it for you.

This past year has been nothing but constant examination of myself, my relationships, and everything in between. I feel like I've gotten nowhere.

For my new readers, you can catch up by reading my "Chapters" listed in my sidebar. [Side note: I know I've got some serious writing to do to catch up to the present.]

Being in the middle of a divorce and beginning a new relationship was something I should have ran from. But I couldn't run because that new "relationship" was one of the reasons why my marriage began to unravel. Call it an "emotional affair", call it whatever you want, but there was no running from it.

Everything in the beginning was so easy. That's one of the greatest things about a relationship. If it's easy and comfortable, you can't go wrong. Can you? The answer is "Yes". If you are both on two different pages, it can be devastating. Everyone we know kept telling us we didn't know what we were getting into. Telling me that I should NEVER jump into another relationship so fast. Did we listen? The answer is "No". And here we are.

From Bryan's perspective, I brought everything to his life that he'd never had before. So, to him, this was the greatest period of his life. From my perspective, I was dealing with a broken marriage, guilt, trying to figure out what to do with my house, dealing with my family's and friends' reactions, my step-daughter, and a myriad of other issues. It's hard for Bryan to understand that while he was on Cloud 9, I was dying inside. Did he bring me comfort and love me with everything he had? Yes. But I wasn't and AM NOT ready for things to be as serious as he is. Do I want to start a new relationship with anyone else? No. I just want to find ME again. I want to go out or stay at home, when I want to. I want to be able to go out with my girlfriends or visit my parents, or whatever I feel like doing without having to answer to anyone. I've never had that before and I want it. It's just that I've never been single. EVER! But in order to have that, I have to take a break from Bryan and all the people I've called "friend" for more than a year.

Is that as cold-hearted as it feels like it is? Do I want to do it? Of course not. I'm just worried that I'm never going to get anywhere unless I change something. It's been a year and I'm still in the same place I was when it began. Obviously, I'm not doing something right.

The worst thing about all of this, is that I have never lied to Bryan or misled him in any way. Sometimes, I don't think he listens to what I'm saying - or he doesn't want to hear it. Or maybe he thinks it's a phase and it will go away. It's not going to go away. He's already told me that he wants to have kids with me and grow old together. I'm not saying that I don't want those things. I'm just not ready for them right now. My divorce isn't even final yet. During this last year, I've done nothing but spend time with him and his family. Maybe, I had the rare occasion to go to my parents' house or something, but I just dove straight into his life. The same thing I did with my husband. Why do I keep doing that? Why can't I find a perfect balance between ME and my relationships?

Because I have started to pull back a little bit over the past few months, everyone thinks I'm being a bitch when I want to hang out with my sister or go see my dad's band play, or just stay at home and be by myself. That I'm hurting Bryan. All of his friends (who I thought were mine too) are telling him to walk away from me. I'm not doing anything intentional to hurt Bryan, I'm just lost and confused. The sad thing is that I will always be the "bad guy" when it comes to these people. I could be with Bryan for 10 years, and if it didn't work out, it would be my fault because Bryan is such a great guy. Even though it took me months to "win" these people over, I will always be the one having to prove myself.

Bryan told me on our vacation that I was the most cold, unloving person he had ever met.

That rocked me to my core and I will NEVER forget it. I've had people say alot of things about me, but never that. I am the most open, loving, caring and giving person I know. I'm sorry that he feels that way. That he can't stand in my shoes for five minutes and realize that all of these things going on are bigger than him. I'm sorry that when he's upset or depressed, he drinks himself into a coma. I'm sorry that when he says that maybe he needs time to get back to his old self too, that he doesn't seize the opportunity, but instead hangs out at the bar. Or when he says alot of other things that he's going to do, but never does.

I'm sorry that I feel guilty for causing all of this. I'm sorry I'm lost and confused. I'm sorry that I let my family, my friends and myself down. I'm sorry that I'm unintentionally hurting him. I'm sorry that I'm a cold, frigid bitch with no feelings. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fuckin' sorry.