Wednesday, March 29, 2006

My Recurring Nightmare

It's never fun to have to examine yourself. It's a nightmare when someone tries to do it for you.
This past year has been nothing but constant examination of myself, my relationships, and everything in between. I feel like I've gotten nowhere.
For my new readers, you can catch up by reading my "Chapters" listed in my sidebar. [Side note: I know I've got some serious writing to do to catch up to the present.]
Being in the middle of a divorce and beginning a new relationship was something I should have ran from. But I couldn't run because that new "relationship" was one of the reasons why my marriage began to unravel. Call it an "emotional affair", call it whatever you want, but there was no running from it.
Everything in the beginning was so easy. That's one of the greatest things about a relationship. If it's easy and comfortable, you can't go wrong. Can you? The answer is "Yes". If you are both on two different pages, it can be devastating. Everyone we know kept telling us we didn't know what we were getting into. Telling me that I should NEVER jump into another relationship so fast. Did we listen? The answer is "No". And here we are.
From Bryan's perspective, I brought everything to his life that he'd never had before. So, to him, this was the greatest period of his life. From my perspective, I was dealing with a broken marriage, guilt, trying to figure out what to do with my house, dealing with my family's and friends' reactions, my step-daughter, and a myriad of other issues. It's hard for Bryan to understand that while he was on Cloud 9, I was dying inside. Did he bring me comfort and love me with everything he had? Yes. But I wasn't and AM NOT ready for things to be as serious as he is. Do I want to start a new relationship with anyone else? No. I just want to find ME again. I want to go out or stay at home, when I want to. I want to be able to go out with my girlfriends or visit my parents, or whatever I feel like doing without having to answer to anyone. I've never had that before and I want it. It's just that I've never been single. EVER! But in order to have that, I have to take a break from Bryan and all the people I've called "friend" for more than a year.
Is that as cold-hearted as it feels like it is? Do I want to do it? Of course not. I'm just worried that I'm never going to get anywhere unless I change something. It's been a year and I'm still in the same place I was when it began. Obviously, I'm not doing something right.
The worst thing about all of this, is that I have never lied to Bryan or misled him in any way. Sometimes, I don't think he listens to what I'm saying - or he doesn't want to hear it. Or maybe he thinks it's a phase and it will go away. It's not going to go away. He's already told me that he wants to have kids with me and grow old together. I'm not saying that I don't want those things. I'm just not ready for them right now. My divorce isn't even final yet. During this last year, I've done nothing but spend time with him and his family. Maybe, I had the rare occasion to go to my parents' house or something, but I just dove straight into his life. The same thing I did with my husband. Why do I keep doing that? Why can't I find a perfect balance between ME and my relationships?
Because I have started to pull back a little bit over the past few months, everyone thinks I'm being a bitch when I want to hang out with my sister or go see my dad's band play, or just stay at home and be by myself. That I'm hurting Bryan. All of his friends (who I thought were mine too) are telling him to walk away from me. I'm not doing anything intentional to hurt Bryan, I'm just lost and confused. The sad thing is that I will always be the "bad guy" when it comes to these people. I could be with Bryan for 10 years, and if it didn't work out, it would be my fault because Bryan is such a great guy. Even though it took me months to "win" these people over, I will always be the one having to prove myself.
Bryan told me on our vacation that I was the most cold, unloving person he had ever met.
That rocked me to my core and I will NEVER forget it. I've had people say alot of things about me, but never that. I am the most open, loving, caring and giving person I know. I'm sorry that he feels that way. That he can't stand in my shoes for five minutes and realize that all of these things going on are bigger than him. I'm sorry that when he's upset or depressed, he drinks himself into a coma. I'm sorry that when he says that maybe he needs time to get back to his old self too, that he doesn't seize the opportunity, but instead hangs out at the bar. Or when he says alot of other things that he's going to do, but never does.
I'm sorry that I feel guilty for causing all of this. I'm sorry I'm lost and confused. I'm sorry that I let my family, my friends and myself down. I'm sorry that I'm unintentionally hurting him. I'm sorry that I'm a cold, frigid bitch with no feelings. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fuckin' sorry.


Blogger nelle Opined...

You are most certainly NOT a bitch, and have every right to need some space to yourself right now. You should not have to apologize for that.
Good luck with everything, and if any of them are true friends they will be able to see your perspective. It may be more difficult for Bryan because of his personal involvement, but if he really cares about you he will respect your need for space.

March 29, 2006 11:29 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

EJ: Thanks so much! It's so much easier to say than to do. But, I'm trying for the first time, to actually take steps to figure it all out! Keep your fingers crossed!

March 29, 2006 11:36 AM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

You need another vacation and I dont mean out of the country or to some tropical paradise. You need a vacation from your life and his. To leave for a week or so and be in a different environment where you cant be drug into 'going out' with your friends or his. Just unavailable around different people that dont even know and/or care about your current situation so you dont have to live in it every day.

March 29, 2006 1:42 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: I tried that a few weeks ago when we got back from our "vacation". I've even started seeing a counselor - none of it seems to be helping. *sigh*

March 29, 2006 1:46 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

I'm your huckleberry.

March 29, 2006 2:48 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: Does that make me your Finn?

March 29, 2006 2:49 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

You're my shoulder, my crutch, my friend, my pal, my lean-to, my shelter, my armor, my tear wiper, my candle in the dark, my lighthouse, my key, my door, my window, my ruler in which i need to measure by....


Cheer up.

March 29, 2006 4:12 PM  
Blogger xfilipponex Opined...


As a bystander to all of this over the past year+...I've seen you go through so many different emotions and so many different things that you want to do..I don't really have any wonderful life changing advice to give you, except what I've said from the beginning...Do what makes YOU happy, fuck what everyone else says. In the end, the people who truly care, will still be there. Mom & Dad can say what they want, but in the end there are going to come around to whatever decision you make, because well they are mom and dad. And you know I'll always support whatever you do. Do I wish you & Bobby could work things this moment in time, yes I do, but that changes pretty much with how you're feeling about him. I think right now Bryan is too needy for what you need right now. You can't babysit his feelings, and constantly put yours on the back burner, and you sure as hell cant live your life the way his friends want you to...if they think you mistreat him, that's their problem. It's easier said than done...I've never been single either...we are exactly the same in that aspect...but I think the best thing is to take time to yourself...realize who JEN is, not JEN & BOBBY or JEN & BRYAN, but JEN. Easier said than done, but I think it's going to be healthier for you than trying to juggle everyone else's hopefully you get the jest of this comment, it's kind of jumbled and all but anyway...I LOVE YOU! You are not a frigid bitch...but when you said that it made me think of Legally Blonde...ya know where she says...When I dress up like a frigid bitch I try not to look so constipated...hehe hope that made you giggle :) Love you jiff

March 29, 2006 4:25 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

Good advice "sis" :)

March 29, 2006 4:36 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: You're my shoulder, my crutch, my friend, my pal, my lean-to, my shelter, my armor, my tear wiper, my candle in the dark, my lighthouse, my key, my door, my window, my ruler in which i need to measure by....Too!!!

Emz: Thanks sis! I know you're sick of hearing about all of this shit. Trust me - I'm sicking of thinking about, living it and talking about it! I love you - infinity!

March 29, 2006 4:40 PM  
Blogger Ellen Opined...

You poor dear.... I hardly know what to say...
My heart goes out to you because I think you are a bright, fun-loving, and caring person, but so much seems to be taken away from you. Your inner strength is there, but so over-shadowed by the rough seas of your life. How I wish I had a magic wand to wish the bad stuff all away for you, but I don't.

All I can tell you is to keep plugging along and stand tall in the face of adversity. (Stiff upper lip, and all that jazz). It seems easy on paper, and not so easy to do in real life, and it does take time. I learned a long time ago that nothing can wish it all to go away, but changing my attitude was the best medicine. It took a long time to re-adjust, and it was never easy, but I am in a time in my life where the seas are not as rough as they used to be. I am more confident for being who I am and for going through my personal storms. In other words, there is hope.... even if the tunnel seems very long.

One other thing that helped me through the rough times was to talk with people who had it rougher than myself. It had a way of putting things in perspective for me.

Take care, and prayers will be said for you. And if you ever feel the need to unload please
e-mail me:


March 29, 2006 8:31 PM  
Blogger Snaggle Tooth Opined...

Seems the man is on a diff page n truelly doesn't get your perpective at all- Blaming yourself is wrong n only an effect of guilt, you can only be you-
Seems he said something which was hurtful/punishing instead of rolling with those vaca probs, n took it out on you.
you've had your share to deal with!
Simply ask him to try harder not to add to your problem load!

March 30, 2006 2:04 AM  
Blogger SkyeBlue2U Opined...

?Why are you having to "prove yourself" to any one but you? Want to know something, my friends refer to me as the "ICEQUEEN" and you already know I'd do any thing to help any one. I know your pretty much the same way. Take some time to get to really know yourself and enjoy life. Remember that long drive I was going to take? Well the tables turned and they got a chance to help me for a nice change. Don't let their selfish,nonunderstanding pressure you. Hang in there. Peace and love.

March 30, 2006 4:20 AM  
Blogger Kelso Opined...

Jen - you should NEVER feel that way about yourself or apologize for who you are. If Bryan can't accept you for that, why not? Just because you don't devote 100% to him doesn't mean that you don't love him. You should be able to do your own thing without any feelings getting hurt. I hope that you are able to work it out for yourself. From reading your posts, you come across as a great person, so I would never thing anything like that about you. He had no right to say what he said.

March 30, 2006 7:53 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Ellen: Thank you so much! You're comments brought tears to my eyes! Good ones! XO

Snags: You're right! I have a really bad problem of doing that. Guilt, guilt, guilt....where did I get that from??? It seems to overshadow everything I do, even if it's not justified.

Sag Sis: fellow sister of fire...isn't it funny that we are both fire signs, but both icy cold bitches? LOL

Kelso: I know...sometimes I feel like I'm 13 - instead of 33. I just have a really bad complex about wanting people to like me. I guess I feel personally justified that way. Who knows - I'm nuts! XO

March 30, 2006 9:40 AM  
Blogger Kelso Opined...

I know exactly how you feel! I do the same thing, but am trying to change it and it isn't easy.

March 30, 2006 1:34 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Kelso: You know...when I sit and think about it, if that's the worst thing about my personality, then I can live with that! ;o)

March 30, 2006 1:37 PM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

This may sound cruel, but I'm going to say it anyways. What the hell did this Bryan guy expect? A girl going through a divorce will normally not be the most attentive to your needs. Call me a cynic, but most guys should know that.

March 30, 2006 2:13 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

WW: I know....I've gotten myself into such a mess, I don't know which end is up. I think he feels the same way.

Do you think the convent has any openings?

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