Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Confused Yet? So Am I!

Last Friday night, my boyfriend and I got into another little argument about the future of things. He made a comment about “feeling married” and not liking it, that I deserved to have a family and the things I want, but that he doesn’t want those things. So, I decided the best thing to do was to break up. He told me it was the beer talking, and that he didn’t want to hear it. So, I told him to ask me again in the morning.

The morning came and I got up to get me some breakfast….after asking him if he wanted anything. He asked me if I was breaking up with him and I said, “Yes”. I told him I remembered every word of what I said….and, more importantly, every word that he had said. I told him that even that I know I’m screwing myself, because I will definitely lose my house, I can’t put anymore of my heart and soul out there for someone who doesn’t want it. Then, I left to get our breakfast.

Afternoon rolled around and I asked him where he was going to watch the Kentucky game, and he said, “Don’t you want to watch it with me?” Long story short….we ended up going out and watching the game. We went to two different bars, before deciding we would really rather just be at home, watching it together. We have so much fun, just the two of us.

Can you understand my confusion here?

Sunday morning came and he asked if I wanted to grill out some steaks and just relax. I said, “Of course”. Well, we ended up going to a friend of ours, who was having a cookout, and had a really great day. After the food was done, he said, “Baby…will you make me a plate to take home?” And I said, “No….you are making me feel like I’m married…make your own plate.” Sorry….but I had to get that little dig in there. They are the only things that keep me sane. Of course, I then went and made his plate.

It’s like being a couple is only convenient when he wants it to be. And it confuses the living shit out of me.

Monday night, we took an hour drive to meet his boss, who was en route to Ohio. We stopped at a restaurant to eat some dinner and kill some time while we were waiting on him. As soon as we sat down, we noticed this big commotion at the table behind us. It was a large party of bikers, who were celebrating a woman’s birthday. All of the sudden the waitress comes around carrying this balloon. I could see the look on the woman’s face, like “Oh great….a balloon.” What she didn’t notice at first was the engagement ring tied to the string. When her boyfriend (now finance) pointed it out to her, she immediately started bawling, and I admit, I teared up too! I just thought that was the sweetest little sentiment…..especially for some rough neck biker. Of course, the first words out of MY man’s mouth were, “He has no idea what he just got himself into!” Just like another knife in the heart.

I feel like I’m back with my ex-husband. It took me EIGHT years to win his heart. I’m just getting too old to think about fighting for another decade to settle down with someone I love.

I know you all probably think I’m a lunatic. And, like I’ve said a thousand times, we are the only ones in the relationship, and it’s impossible for me to point out all the things that make me want to stay. Some days, I just want to take things a day at a time, and not rush him or myself into any decisions. I guess because the point where he is going to start house-hunting is fast approaching, and it terrifies me. I feel like as soon as he moves out, this relationship will be doomed. Of course, he doesn’t see it that way, but then again, he’s the one making the decisions, not me. I guess I just yearn for the time when I’m with someone who wants to make decisions TOGETHER. Isn’t that what being a couple, especially one that lives together, means?

Do I just want too much? Do I want something that just isn’t out there? Or, did I fall for someone who “just isn’t that into me”? I guess only time will tell.

10 Comments:

Blogger Blissfully Wed Opined...

You're no lunatic. And I'm a bit ashamed to say that I bet my wife can relate to almost everything you're going through.

(Started dating in '96. Broke up, but kept hanging out, in 2000. Got married in '02.)

October 24, 2007 11:39 AM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

It sounds like you're answering a lot of your own questions. Are you really confused by the idea that he seems commited when it's convenient?

I hope things work out for the both of you, whether you're together or not.

October 24, 2007 11:44 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

BW: Well, at least she ended up with the prize!! :o)

WW: I'm not really sure that I'm answering my own questions, because I'm not even sure which questions I'm asking. I'm not confused by the idea that he's committed when convenient, I guess I'm just amazed by it!

October 24, 2007 11:52 AM  
Blogger Professor Fate Opined...

Men are simply creatures. Women complicate us (and confuse us). A women trains us to behave or expect one thing. The next women wants different expectations and behaviors.

Thing I know:

Just because you love somebody doesn't mean you are going to (or can) spend the rest of your life with them.

Some times you are in a relationship with someone who is better suited to be a friend than a lover.

October 24, 2007 12:04 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Prof: I guess you have a point. Men are very simple creatures. They want things they way they want them, when they want them.

I know that you can't always been with the person you love, that's the part of life that sucks, and while my man and I are great friends, we are even better lovers...that's what makes this so hard for me. It's a connection I've never had with anyone else, and he always says the same thing to me....so how am I supposed to react to all this?

October 24, 2007 1:44 PM  
Blogger TUG Opined...

I don't know, but I think you know what you need to do. You're standing up for yourself and not putting up with the crap. I hope you find someone that can apprecaite you and treat you the way you deserve.

October 24, 2007 9:55 PM  
Anonymous ur bud jsull28fl@yaho Opined...

ok
Jen
I'm not sure I'll see it like the others
I think U deserve kids and a nice famly etc.
Your guy doesn't appear to want that
maybe you have answered your own question
because he is a good lover or a good fuck or whatver
is not rellevant if your goal is to breed

what you need to do is decide what you want
then get it
take it
steal it
whatever you have to do
just get it
i'm pullin for you
you would be a great momma
but if YOU decide not to go there then you you would be a god bride
either way
he
is
lucky
js

October 25, 2007 3:33 AM  
Blogger Professor Fate Opined...

The second half to my "all men" theory is that all women are insane (and it may be dealing with men that causes this insanity).

Question for him: "If it is a connection he has never had, why does he want out of the relationship?" (Now, are you reading more into his need for a his own place. There may be tax issues. There may be I don't know what. He may not want out of "you" at all. Simple creatures, usually simple answers that are complicated but female logic which is complicated).

Question for him: "Do you see a future for this relationship?" (I have a wonderful lady in my life. I have no intention of getting married. She is fine with that [for now]. You said in an earlier post that you wanted [but don't need] marriage but kids were high on you list of things and not that negotiable. If cannot or will not bend on that, as much as you love him he isn't the right man. You need to be at the same point in your life [and you can't force it, it just needs to 'be']. Being at the same point in life is more important for the survival of a long term relationship that physical attraction and maybe emotional attraction. I know it sucks but if he cannot or will not give you things you need why should you settle.)

Enough blather.

October 25, 2007 9:37 AM  
Blogger The Middle Child Opined...

Wow that is confusing, and you aren't nuts.... I think it's about time he grew up.

Good luck.

October 25, 2007 3:31 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

You pointed something out to me that maybe I have passively been avoiding to think about, thank you.

I am constantly one of the ones (of many) that make snide remarks like he did in the restaurant. "No idea what he just got himself into." And I've never really taken into consideration how it may affect the person I am with. There is truth in me saying that but some things are best unsaid.

Love ya.

-Twisty.

October 25, 2007 5:09 PM  

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