Confused Yet? So Am I!

Last Friday night, my boyfriend and I got into another little argument about the future of things. He made a comment about “feeling married” and not liking it, that I deserved to have a family and the things I want, but that he doesn’t want those things. So, I decided the best thing to do was to break up. He told me it was the beer talking, and that he didn’t want to hear it. So, I told him to ask me again in the morning.

The morning came and I got up to get me some breakfast….after asking him if he wanted anything. He asked me if I was breaking up with him and I said, “Yes”. I told him I remembered every word of what I said….and, more importantly, every word that he had said. I told him that even that I know I’m screwing myself, because I will definitely lose my house, I can’t put anymore of my heart and soul out there for someone who doesn’t want it. Then, I left to get our breakfast.

Afternoon rolled around and I asked him where he was going to watch the Kentucky game, and he said, “Don’t you want to watch it with me?” Long story short….we ended up going out and watching the game. We went to two different bars, before deciding we would really rather just be at home, watching it together. We have so much fun, just the two of us.

Can you understand my confusion here?

Sunday morning came and he asked if I wanted to grill out some steaks and just relax. I said, “Of course”. Well, we ended up going to a friend of ours, who was having a cookout, and had a really great day. After the food was done, he said, “Baby…will you make me a plate to take home?” And I said, “No….you are making me feel like I’m married…make your own plate.” Sorry….but I had to get that little dig in there. They are the only things that keep me sane. Of course, I then went and made his plate.

It’s like being a couple is only convenient when he wants it to be. And it confuses the living shit out of me.

Monday night, we took an hour drive to meet his boss, who was en route to Ohio. We stopped at a restaurant to eat some dinner and kill some time while we were waiting on him. As soon as we sat down, we noticed this big commotion at the table behind us. It was a large party of bikers, who were celebrating a woman’s birthday. All of the sudden the waitress comes around carrying this balloon. I could see the look on the woman’s face, like “Oh great….a balloon.” What she didn’t notice at first was the engagement ring tied to the string. When her boyfriend (now finance) pointed it out to her, she immediately started bawling, and I admit, I teared up too! I just thought that was the sweetest little sentiment…..especially for some rough neck biker. Of course, the first words out of MY man’s mouth were, “He has no idea what he just got himself into!” Just like another knife in the heart.

I feel like I’m back with my ex-husband. It took me EIGHT years to win his heart. I’m just getting too old to think about fighting for another decade to settle down with someone I love.

I know you all probably think I’m a lunatic. And, like I’ve said a thousand times, we are the only ones in the relationship, and it’s impossible for me to point out all the things that make me want to stay. Some days, I just want to take things a day at a time, and not rush him or myself into any decisions. I guess because the point where he is going to start house-hunting is fast approaching, and it terrifies me. I feel like as soon as he moves out, this relationship will be doomed. Of course, he doesn’t see it that way, but then again, he’s the one making the decisions, not me. I guess I just yearn for the time when I’m with someone who wants to make decisions TOGETHER. Isn’t that what being a couple, especially one that lives together, means?

Do I just want too much? Do I want something that just isn’t out there? Or, did I fall for someone who “just isn’t that into me”? I guess only time will tell.