Monday, May 01, 2006

Noah in 2006

I received this email a while back and have been saving it. I thought today was a good day to post it....no particular reason....it just felt right!
Noah in 2006
It is the year 2006 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for the Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah", He shouted, "Where is the Ark"?
"Lord, please forgive me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems."
"First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes."
"I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. "
"Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission."
"I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls!"
"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."
"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."
"They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe."
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a Complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"
"The IRS has seized all of my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes."
"I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational watercraft."
"Finally, the ACLU got the Courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and, therefore, unconstitutional."
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!", Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. Even a rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you aren't going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," the Lord said sadly. "The government already has!"

9 Comments:

Blogger Scott Opined...

LOL, that is AWESOME. Got to love bureacrazy eh?

scott

May 01, 2006 10:54 AM  
Blogger eric Opined...

Noah might have lived in California…

May 01, 2006 12:29 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Scott: I thought it was pretty good too!!

Eric: Maybe....hmmmm

May 01, 2006 1:19 PM  
Blogger Cowboy Opined...

This is so true... so true...

Thanks for sharing, Jen!

May 01, 2006 3:14 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Nilo: I thought you might enjoy this one!

May 01, 2006 3:55 PM  
Blogger Ellen Opined...

Hilarious! ... and sadly true!

May 01, 2006 5:09 PM  
Blogger Snaggle Tooth Opined...

I really like that version too! Thanks!

May 02, 2006 2:12 AM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

Lord smite thee who stopeth the making of the arketh.

May 02, 2006 4:50 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Ellen: I know...and that is sad!

Snags: Glad you enjoyed.

WW: And smited they shall be!

May 02, 2006 12:13 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home