Monday, April 10, 2006

The Weekend That Changed Everything

Well, I sit hit here this morning with a heavy heart and a knot the size of Texas in my stomach. I hate that feeling. My heart broke a little more over the weekend....and this time it might be for good! Maybe I just expect too much from people.
Let me apologize in advance for this post, because when my emotions are in turmoil, I tend to ramble on and on, and this probably won't make any sense to you guys.....I just need to vent!
Friday was Bryan's birthday - the big "Three-0"!! To start things off, his best friend, Candace, came in from Austin to celebrate. First off, let me just say that it usually takes a lot for me to dislike someone, and I have a really good sense about people. I have really, really tried to like her, because Bryan adores her, but you know what? I can't stand her. I'm sorry. She's just one of those people who seems completely and totally fake to me. She comes to the bar and perches on a stool and just sits there with this plastic, barbie-doll smile planted on her face. It drives me insane! Candace is an old regular at Tam's, so she knows everybody, but since she's moved out-of-state, I guess she's lost touch with everyone. Because now when she comes to town, she doesn't have anything to say to anyone.....except for Bryan. As far as Candace, jealously has nothing to do with this. I have alot of guy friends, so Bryan having girl friends isn't an issue. I think the thing that drives me crazy, is her attitude that when she comes into town, Bryan should be at her beck and call and the center of his attention. OK. Long story short....I had to work on Saturday, so I couldn't hang out very long Friday night. Right before I had to leave, Candace's friend, April, shows up. If you think I don't like Candace, imagine how I feel about April. She's is married, with two kids, but she always runs around leaving her husband at home to watch her kids, while she stays out all night, partying it up. That makes me immediatley disklike her. Anyway, Bryan ends up at Candace's hotel room with her and April.....until daybreak. That didn't start my weekend off good at all. I know we are in "friend" mode, but I can only take so much. This is getting to be way too hard. That was just the beginning of hell.
Saturday night was the big party for Bryan's birthday. His mom brought a bunch of food up to the bar and alot of his family came. I knew she had a surprise in store for Bryan and I thought it would be funny. Boy, did that backfire. There's a girl who comes in every once in a while that Bryan's mom vaguely knows. She's the type of girl who has about two drinks and then starts grinding on anything that moves - you know the type. Anyway, Bryan's mom was going to have her give him a lap dance for his birthday. That's not what bothers me. What bothered me that night.....and still bothers his reaction to it all. Normally, he would be totally embarassed, but not Saturday. Granted he was pretty buzzed by then, but by the time she was finished with him, he stayed out on the dance floor with her dancing away - I can never get him to dance like that. Then, after they're done dancing, he walks off towards the bar, and walks right past me, totally ignoring my presence. I was already being a little sensitive because of the hotel room issue from the night before, but at least I showed up to celebrate his birthday. I don't know why because I might as well have been a hole in the wall.
Tramp Deluxe
Hooker for Hire
I love where the top of this beer bottle is pointing. If only I could have shoved it straight up her ass!
To sum it all up, for the next two and half hours, they were hanging all over each other and he didn't leave her side the rest of the night. To make matters worse, everyone at the bar kept looking at me, waiting for me to do something. Well, being the classy lady that I am, I just sat there dying inside, watching him fawn all over the first tramp that rubbed herself all over him. The thing that hurts me so much, is him acting like that. I know he's a man....he had a buzz.....he's lonely.....whatever!!! I've had a buzz plenty of times, but I have never treated him like that. I ended up standing outside crying for about 30 minutes, while he's inside having the time of his life, not even noticing that I'm devastated. It's just too soon to have to deal with this.
The thing I loved about Bryan was that he wasn't like other guys. He would never disrespect me or act like an ass to try and make me jealous. He was just a nice, sensitive, loving and caring guy. That entire imagine of him was blown for me in one night. Am I over-reacting?
Look, I know we are in friend mode, but when we both hang out at the same place, it's just common courtesy to respect each other. I would NEVER do that to him. I would never hang all over some other guy in front of him. I know I wanted my space, but I didn't want that "space" shoved in my face. Understand? I am literally sick to my stomach just thinking about it. And that's another thing that hurts me so bad...I never thought that Bryan would do anything to make me feel this way, and now I feel like he's just like every other guy I've been with. Disappointing.
Moral of this, alcohol and trashy hookers don't mix.


Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I wish I could be there to be your friend and hug you and tell you it will be ok, but you know I've learned that things probably will but saying so or hearing someone else say so, doesnt help.

I think (unless theres more to it I dont know) I can understand the hotel room bit. If they were hanging out and such then it does happen innocently. I hope that is all it was. As far as the bar wench, I really think that was quite crude. He may have responded differently because he was buzzing or drunk and lonely or whatever but to totally ignore you or your presence is beyond drunk, it was on purpose IMHO.

He is truly blowing something that could be incredible and that is a life with someone like you. Even if you arent ready now if he sees in you what I do then honestly it is worth the wait and patience. Look at what you're dealing with.


I wish I could help you more, contact me if you wish, I'm here for ya sweety.


April 10, 2006 11:47 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: Thanks for the sweet words! I'm not so bent out of shape about the hotel room thing. I know it was innocent - I really do. It's the combination of everything together, that's just knocked the wind out of my sails.

P.S. Thanks for the text message. I got it right in the middle of everything and it made me smile. Talk about soulmates!!!

April 10, 2006 11:50 AM  
Blogger nelle Opined...

Oh hon. I'm so sorry. I agree with twisted, that the hotel room was in all likely hood innocent, although I can also understand you being sensitive since you two just split last week and you are not especially fond of Miss Texas. But the dancing with trampgirl?!? Granted it's his birthday, but still, have some respect. He was most likely trying to make you jealous, since he doesn't usually act like that, but what is that?! 30 is too old to be playing games.

April 10, 2006 12:09 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

EJ: I's just the last thing I expected from him. That's what hurts the most. I thought he was different.

April 10, 2006 12:12 PM  
Blogger Mr. Althouse Opined...

Innocent or not, it sounds like he is purposfully burning this bridge. Perhaps it's a fear of committment, maybe it's just immaturity or maybe he feels there is someone who will "complete" him. None of these possibilities speak much to his character, which is, of course, what makes a man.

I don't know you or him well enough to make assumptions, but I know that for me, it is near impossible to go to friend mode after going beyond it - at least in the short term. Maybe this is his way, crude and gutless as it may be, of communicating it. Look at it this way - better to find out now than five years and 2.3 kids from now.

Hang in there, it'll be all right. Here's some love to hold you over -



April 10, 2006 1:28 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Mr. A: Thanks for the love. It's very appreciated!

He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me. I'm the one that needs the space. The one thing he asked of me was not to date someone from the bar, which of course I agreed to. That's what makes this so hard - it's like he was rubbing it in my face.

April 10, 2006 1:41 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

I knew there was a reason I needed to do it, it just kinda came outa nowhere and something told me to do it and I knew I needed to right then.

April 10, 2006 2:28 PM  
Blogger CitySoul Opined...

sorry j...sounds like he was being disrespectful....whether it was to provoke jealousy from you or not.

April 10, 2006 2:37 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: I guess that's why we're soulmates!

April 10, 2006 2:51 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

City: I just wish it didn't hurt so bad. I'm dealing with enough already without anything extra piled on top!

April 10, 2006 2:51 PM  
Blogger Scott Opined...

Seriously that is such a shitty thing that he did. And whose mother asks someone to give their son a lap dance?? Is it just me or is that a little odd? I can't see my Mom doing that one. But hey, I am just a laid back Canadian, what do I know? Haha... hope that you feel better!!


April 10, 2006 2:55 PM  
Blogger Ellen Opined...

If that were me, I would have politely gotten up, and made my goodbyes to the crowd as I was putting on my coat and walking to the exit. (I have done this in the past.)
There's no reason to hang around when you are being treated like scum... and he made you feel that way Saturday.

Besides that, there's no reason why he should have done this, other than to strike back. I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction. A nice peck on the cheek, a wish for a happy birthday and a quick exit would have had him all confused... because in your heart, you still know you did the right thing, and he's obviously not too sure it was the right thing done to him. It's only too bad he thinks (and he does) that he needs to strike at you (and he did) for a simple request of time away from each other. He's hurt, and now he wants you to hurt more.

So sorry to hear all of this has happened to you... You don't deserve any of it. Take care, sweetie, and know that your friends don't see you as being overly sensitive about this.

April 10, 2006 8:13 PM  
Blogger Wiwille Opined...

Okay, this comment may sound disrespectful, but I have some thoughts on this that I think you might find interesting. Then again you might get one of your Blogger guy friends to fly to Seattle to beat my ass. There's always risks. Makes life exciting.

I won't condone Bryan's behavior for a second; however I do understand it. He's a man, a fragile one at that seems like. When men get hurt they destroy things. We punch people, bomb nations, and throw computer monitors down halls. Yes what he did was despicable, but not uncommon.

Being hurt can drive a man to do highly strange and deplorable acts. Women are not immune to this either. This is why I'm not a fan of the "let's be friends" thing. Getting space for me means just that. I prefer losing contact so everyone can deal and heal. After the pain is gone through time then and only then is it apporpriate to keep a friendship. 95% of the time I hear about people doing the friends thing something like this happens. Sounds like simple dime store philosophy, but it's works in my case. I've had to learn it the hard way at times.

What would I do if I were in your shoes? I probably wouldn't have gone to said birthday party. It must've been hard for him to sit there on his bday seeing the girl that he loves knowing there's nothing he can do about it. Seeing you reminds him of a failure, his failure, and that's got to be painful. If he really does love you like he says he does he must've hated looking at you and not being able to give you a smooch, stroke your hair, tell you you're beautiful, ask for good oral while driving 96 mph down the freeway, etc. Okay scratch the last part. Sorry.

I may have jumped on a table, taken off my shirt, and danced to Van Halen all the while thinking about posting pics of this event on my blog. Okay I would'nt. Never mind.

I feel for you having to go through this. It's something no one deserves, but ask yourself if this friend thing is really going to work. Not just you, but him as well.

April 10, 2006 9:46 PM  
Blogger SkyeBlue2U Opined...

Oh Jen, I feel really bad that this is the road he choose, there's no excuse for his behavior. If you really love someone you don't do things that will hurt them. As always you're in my prayers.

April 10, 2006 11:47 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Scott: Well, she is a single mom and he is 30!! She's just really cool - and it was supposed to be a joke....but it just went a little too far.

Ellen: You're right! I should have walked away. I have no idea why I didn't!!!

WW: I would never send my e-buddies to kick your ass! I would do it myself. J/K Obviously, your comments make alot of sense. And I am a huge fan of trying to rationalize people's behavior. I don't think that he did anything intentionally to hurt me. However, he WANTED me at his party. If he didn't, I would never have gone. It's just a hard, hard situation. But you're right, maybe we just need to completely walk away for awhile. Damn it!!!

Sag Sis: Thanks! Actually, being a sagie, I'm surprised I didn't raise eight kinds of hell. Must've been a slow night for my mojo. LOL

April 11, 2006 9:27 AM  
Blogger Kelso Opined...

Why is it that when we give them the benefit of the doubt, they do something to prove us wrong?? I am so sorry to hear what he did to you, it was totally uncalled for. I don't know that I could remain friends with anyone that would treat me that way. Good luck, and you have my support in whatever decision you make!

April 11, 2006 9:33 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Kelso: I'm not sure either! I'm still at a loss for words. AND, I am dead serious...if I hear the words, "I was drunk" one more time - I will kill someone!!!

April 11, 2006 9:34 AM  
Blogger Kelso Opined...

being drunk is no excuse! I still have my wits about me when I'm drunk, so I find it hard to believe that others lose theirs!

April 11, 2006 9:48 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Kelso: Trust Me...I'm the same way. That's why that excuse does nothing but piss me off!

April 11, 2006 9:52 AM  
Blogger Kelso Opined...

I may have to take a vacation and come down there to meet you personally! Glad to know that I am not the only person like that!

April 11, 2006 9:55 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Kelso: C'mon down!! We'll paint the town any color you want!!

April 11, 2006 10:00 AM  
Blogger Kelso Opined...

Sounds good to me - I need a night out!

April 11, 2006 11:24 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Kelso: Derby Week sounds good!

April 11, 2006 11:36 AM  
Blogger Kelso Opined...

If only I could leave Little Miss with Eric for the weekend....

April 11, 2006 11:38 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Kelso: If only.....

Just do it before (and if) you move to Colorado!!!

April 11, 2006 11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Opined...

Oh Jen, I am so, sooo sorry! What a horrible thing to happen! There just aren't adequate words for this sort of thing.

I've been in your shoes before, and I know that pain pretty damn well. I'm so sorry that you had to go through something like this. I hope things get better for you PDQ...

April 11, 2006 1:43 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Nilo: Thanks Sweet Cheeks!!

April 11, 2006 2:16 PM  

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