Tuesday, December 06, 2005

As I Live and Breathe

Whew! What a hectic 24 hours this has been - not to mention the entire year itself!

I've had several people comment about how open and candid I am in my writing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mistake by putting so much of myself out there. But you know what? That's me. I'm an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I speak my mind, and I'm not ashamed of my life or who I am.

All of this recent chaos has kept me from writing the next part of the "Saga"...and now, I'm worried if I'll ever get to finish it. I have such deep emotions flowing in regards to my hubby right now that I don't even want to think about the past. It hurts too much. HE hurts me too much. The reason I started writing the "Saga" was because I needed to understand what went wrong with us and why I drifted way after giving him my heart and soul for 12 years. But as the months tick by and all of this shit keeps happening, it becomes clearer to me. Yet, I still feel the urge to share it with you.
So....to end the suspense....here's what happened last night.
I come home and sit down at my computer. Hubby was at my house (remember, his daughter lives with me still. Weird, but true!) and out of nowhere he comes up behind me, leans over and puts his face right in mine. He starts calling me basically everything but a white woman. I can't believe he is this pissed off at me for wanting to wait an extra 30 days for our divorce so that I can get some medical stuff out of the way. What's the big fuckin' deal? It's not like we even have to see or speak to each other.
Now, I'm not trying to say that he has beat me in the past or anything, but there have been some physical moments. He's got a real problem with anger management. However, I've never really been scared of him...until the other night when he smashed my coffee table (see previous post). He used to have a really bad temper when I first met him, and over the years, I guess my sweet loving ways calmed him down. He never acted like this when we were first married. But since the incident that caused my marriage to fall apart, he's been really hateful. He says mean things to intentionally hurt me because he knows how soft-hearted I am, AND, he knows how to prey on my vulnerabilities.
Anyway, back to what happened.
He's in my face, literally screaming in my ear. I just sat there at the computer and ignored him. I don't like arguing, and, in my mind, my best defense is to show him that he doesn't bother me. Of course, after about three minutes of him screaming at me that he hated my guts, that I'm a whore and a bitch, and pouncing on my already-low self-esteem, among numerous other things, I couldn't take it anymore. (Even when I'm as pissed off as I can possibly be, I NEVER intentionally try to hurt him or or treat him that way. It's just not who I am. But I can only take so much.) I jumped up and got in his face and he didn't move an inch. I know it wasn't the wisest thing to do. But, I wasn't trying to provoke him. I just wanted him to know that he wasn't going to push me around, figuratively speaking. Of course, he pushed be back and I got up in his face again. By this time, I'm bawling like an idiot and he already knew he'd won. Before I knew what came over me, I slapped the shit out of him. I have NEVER done that to anyone, and, of course, being my normal self, I feel guilty for doing so. I should never let someone get to me so bad that I resort to physical violence. But, I'm tired of him playing with my head, my emotions, and most importantly, my heart. It's just too much. WAY too much!
I could go on and on about everything that was said after that, but, to make a long story short, the night ended with me crying my little heart out and getting no sleep.
Before you all break out the lynch mob, and I'm not defending him, BUT, let me finish the next few chapters of my "Saga", and then, hopefully, some of you will have a better understanding of why I even give him the time of day. Especially, when I have someone in my life as wonderful as Bryan. My relationship with my hubby is a very complex thing....and I hope to enlighten you all as to how it evolved.
I know this post is a rambling mess, but I wanted to get it all out, and my thoughts and words were flowing so fast, I just typed them as they came to me. Hope you make some sense of it!


Blogger SkyeBlue2U Opined...

If you need to get it all out then we all understand. I've been there and I didn't have nobody to talk to about it all. You have our love and support. Get some rest now.

December 07, 2005 12:41 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Sag Sis: Thanks for the understanding! I'm just so tired...and mentally and emotionally drained. Can't I just have a break? It seems for every wonderful five minutes I enjoy, I get two weeks of hell in return. I'm just so tired of the chaos and drama.

December 07, 2005 12:55 AM  
Blogger San Francisco Daily Photo Opined...

There will always be highs and lows in life. It would appear you're at a low. And maybe you've been there a while. The lower the low, the higher the next high is going to feel. Keep thinking about that. Keep looking towards the next high, when everything is going to be perfect and peaceful. Enjoy the low while you can, because it's not gonna last! ;-)

December 07, 2005 1:56 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Manu: Thanks for the advice and encouragement.

December 07, 2005 2:38 AM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

I hope all gets better as quickly as possible. I've hit an emotional roadblock myself and am currently deciding how to deal with everything but all in all, life goes on. Que sera sera. no? Welcome back girl and know that I (we) are here for you.

December 07, 2005 10:56 AM  
Blogger SkyeBlue2U Opined...

I hope you are feeling better today. :)

December 07, 2005 10:57 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Twisty: I figured as much. Your last few posts leave alot to my imagination. Care to discuss?

December 07, 2005 11:07 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Sag Sis: I'm doing OK so far. Thanks for thinking of me. ;o)

December 07, 2005 11:07 AM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Hey Jen I got some rope!

December 07, 2005 4:10 PM  
Blogger JAX Opined...

Jen, if you need to do this, do it. It's your blog and you can cry if you want to!

December 07, 2005 4:19 PM  
Blogger cityman05 Opined...

Hey Jen. I just want to tell you that I love you and pray for you all the time.
Sometimes life sucks, but I have a feeling somewhere very close down the road, something very wonderful is going to happen to you. It will turn everything around.


December 07, 2005 4:27 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Neo: You're so mean to me.

Jax: Thanks! I just hate when I feel like all I have to write about anymore are awful, terrible things that nobody wants to hear about.

Kippy: Thanks sweetie. Your encouragement means the world to me.

December 07, 2005 4:57 PM  
Blogger Ellen Opined...

It seems the one thing he is good at, is pushing your buttons. So sorry to hear that... but think you had every right to slap him!
I always tell people (when truly provoked) that you just don't want to see my temper come out... it's a doozie!, so don't push the limit or the dragon will appear.
Kudos to you for standing up for yourself!

December 07, 2005 5:53 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Ellen: Thanks Babe! It makes me feel better to know that you think I had a right to do what I did. I still feel bad, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

December 07, 2005 7:48 PM  
Blogger Ellen Opined...

Jen- you "just couldn't take it anymore" and you shouldn't have to!
Be careful though... he will use that against you (slimy worm that he is).
It's hard to see it on the inside, but trust me, we can all see it on the outside... and he is really going out of his way to push your buttons. Control and anger freaks use that technique all the time!
Hang tight, I know how rough it is as I've been there once myself... and it ain't pretty.
We've got your back anytime you need it.. and plenty of shoulders to lean on.

December 07, 2005 8:17 PM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Jen -You got your banner up! Awesome!

Neo high fives Jen!

Good girl!

December 07, 2005 8:59 PM  
Blogger Snaggle Tooth Opined...

See my comment under the rollercoaster post...

Though it stinx to dwell on the yucky stuff, it's worse to ignore it all the time n be fake. Ya got good reasons to be upset. Better than bein all aggrivated for no reason.
Soundz like ya let him push ya off the ledge of what ya can stand. His behavior was in yo face. It's been all week long already!
Ya should stop caring about anything he says! It is BS! He's playin ya into losin it! Tell him not to speak to you again. Only speak to the lawyer. Cut him out of your life. Ya do not have to face him. Choose not too!
I had to do it before...
I'm prayin for ya too!

December 07, 2005 9:24 PM  
Blogger TwistedPain Opined...

Not really up for discussion. But I am hurting pretty deeply. Nothing that cannot be eventually fixed or drowned out by uncle Bud. (I hope) Never thought I'd find my way back to this haunting place within the depths of my mind... at least not by anyone... well... Anyways Welcome back...

December 07, 2005 10:33 PM  
Blogger April Opined...

I'm the same way. See that is what is wonderful about the blog. It's a great place to let it all out. The ones who care enough about you to read will, and the ones that don't can move on, no harm no foul. It's better than paying a therapist.
I pour my heart out like mad on my blog, I'm not sure but maybe 2 or 3 people read over the whole thing. But even if they don't, I get something off my chest, something I can't tell anyone else face to face for one reason or another. And it brings a bit of relief.
I feel for you Jen, just because I know exactly where you are coming from. I just want an fing break. Seems like everytime I catch a few hours to relax and let go, I get more shyt to deal with. And knowing you can't run away or get away from it all makes you feel even more backed into a corner.
I hope things get better for you really soon, and honestly I'm proud of you for slapping him in the face. Granted you want to show him he doesn't bother you and don't want to get worked up because that is what he is going for. Something in his life is making him so miserable he must bring everyone down with him. And the ultimate victory for you is showing him you can't drag him down. But no one can be that strong. Hopefully the sting of the slap will get to him a little bit.

December 07, 2005 10:56 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Ellen: I know...and I appreciate everyone standing behind me. Even though we don't know each other in person, it means so much to me to have people to "talk" to. It really keeps me going.

Neo: Thanks. I had some extra help from Twisty - I cheated! But I'm happy with it. For now.

Snags: I need a tough broad like you in my life. Kick my ass around a little and make me mentally stronger. It's just not in my nature to turn my back on anyone - even when they deserve it. It's one of the things I love (and hate) most about myself.

Twisty: I'm so sorry. Just know that I am ALWAYS here for you. XO

April: I know you understand and I really enjoy reading your comments. I have been to your site so many times, but sometimes I can't think of anything to say because I relate to so much of it. I feel I've been so stuck up my own ass lately, that I'm neglecting the people who are caring for me each day - like you and so many others. Thanks for sticking around. ;o)

December 08, 2005 12:38 AM  
Blogger SkyeBlue2U Opined...

Jinsane, ya know the picture you have up right now, that was my friend's favorite picture. In his picture thought you can barely see the man in the lighthouse and I stood there for an hour till I could finally see him , (I had to wait till the waves receded) .I love the picture.

December 08, 2005 3:26 AM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Jen -Oh, I see how it is.

Neo raises an eyebrow

December 08, 2005 10:00 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

Sag Sis: I've had this pic for some time now and I have always loved it as well.

Neo: I couldn't have done it without you though, because I would have never known how to even start it. ;o)

December 08, 2005 10:14 AM  
Blogger Neo Opined...

Jen - *sniffle* I see....

Neo walks off kicking a rock along the way...

December 08, 2005 10:21 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

You poor, pitiful thang!

December 08, 2005 10:24 AM  
Blogger CitySoul Opined...

I think I remember some of how you got to this place with hubby...some posts from long ago. looking forward to hearing the rest, I hope you do feel comfortable writing, because it can be theraputic. Even though this is somewhat anonyomos, I get scared to post things sometimes, not wanting to be judged. Anyway, here for you...

December 08, 2005 12:37 PM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

City: Yeah, I thought you might remember some of the hints I've dropped in the past. ;o)

I just don't want to spell it all out in my current posts, because it will all come out (in order) through my "Saga" chapters. Does that make any sense?

Thanks for being here. It means the world to me.

December 08, 2005 12:43 PM  
Blogger The Thinking Man's Babe Opined...

Hey Jenius...


Especially when you're caring for what they should love more than their lives...

I strongly suggest a really good therapist (which is very hard to find, but I trust that someone will cross your path and suggest somebody), so that in the future, you will only be with people who celebrate all the abundant beauty which you have to give...


December 10, 2005 4:38 AM  
Blogger Jinsane Opined...

TMB: Thanks for stopping by! I really appreciate your words of encouragement and support. ;o)

December 10, 2005 1:30 PM  

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