As I Live and Breathe

Whew! What a hectic 24 hours this has been - not to mention the entire year itself!

I've had several people comment about how open and candid I am in my writing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mistake by putting so much of myself out there. But you know what? That's me. I'm an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I speak my mind, and I'm not ashamed of my life or who I am.

All of this recent chaos has kept me from writing the next part of the "Saga"...and now, I'm worried if I'll ever get to finish it. I have such deep emotions flowing in regards to my hubby right now that I don't even want to think about the past. It hurts too much. HE hurts me too much. The reason I started writing the "Saga" was because I needed to understand what went wrong with us and why I drifted way after giving him my heart and soul for 12 years. But as the months tick by and all of this shit keeps happening, it becomes clearer to me. Yet, I still feel the urge to share it with you.

So....to end the suspense....here's what happened last night.

I come home and sit down at my computer. Hubby was at my house (remember, his daughter lives with me still. Weird, but true!) and out of nowhere he comes up behind me, leans over and puts his face right in mine. He starts calling me basically everything but a white woman. I can't believe he is this pissed off at me for wanting to wait an extra 30 days for our divorce so that I can get some medical stuff out of the way. What's the big fuckin' deal? It's not like we even have to see or speak to each other.

Now, I'm not trying to say that he has beat me in the past or anything, but there have been some physical moments. He's got a real problem with anger management. However, I've never really been scared of him...until the other night when he smashed my coffee table (see previous post). He used to have a really bad temper when I first met him, and over the years, I guess my sweet loving ways calmed him down. He never acted like this when we were first married. But since the incident that caused my marriage to fall apart, he's been really hateful. He says mean things to intentionally hurt me because he knows how soft-hearted I am, AND, he knows how to prey on my vulnerabilities.

Anyway, back to what happened.

He's in my face, literally screaming in my ear. I just sat there at the computer and ignored him. I don't like arguing, and, in my mind, my best defense is to show him that he doesn't bother me. Of course, after about three minutes of him screaming at me that he hated my guts, that I'm a whore and a bitch, and pouncing on my already-low self-esteem, among numerous other things, I couldn't take it anymore. (Even when I'm as pissed off as I can possibly be, I NEVER intentionally try to hurt him or or treat him that way. It's just not who I am. But I can only take so much.) I jumped up and got in his face and he didn't move an inch. I know it wasn't the wisest thing to do. But, I wasn't trying to provoke him. I just wanted him to know that he wasn't going to push me around, figuratively speaking. Of course, he pushed be back and I got up in his face again. By this time, I'm bawling like an idiot and he already knew he'd won. Before I knew what came over me, I slapped the shit out of him. I have NEVER done that to anyone, and, of course, being my normal self, I feel guilty for doing so. I should never let someone get to me so bad that I resort to physical violence. But, I'm tired of him playing with my head, my emotions, and most importantly, my heart. It's just too much. WAY too much!

I could go on and on about everything that was said after that, but, to make a long story short, the night ended with me crying my little heart out and getting no sleep.

Before you all break out the lynch mob, and I'm not defending him, BUT, let me finish the next few chapters of my "Saga", and then, hopefully, some of you will have a better understanding of why I even give him the time of day. Especially, when I have someone in my life as wonderful as Bryan. My relationship with my hubby is a very complex thing....and I hope to enlighten you all as to how it evolved.

I know this post is a rambling mess, but I wanted to get it all out, and my thoughts and words were flowing so fast, I just typed them as they came to me. Hope you make some sense of it!