The Night-Time Blues

I came home earlier tonight, after having a few beers, and was going to sit down and finish my next "Chapter". The reason I had to come home so early, was because of some drama happening at home. I am so mad and depressed right now (almost midnight on Wednesday) - can you even be both of those at the same time?

But, not being in the right frame of mind, I just decided to write about something stupid that I do. Don't even ask me why I'm thinking about this right now. I guess it's because one of the things I love most about being me, is that I can entertain myself. I always have. Being an only child for so long, I guess I just learned fast how to depend on myself, and only myself.

Back to what I was going to say: Every time I get on someone's blog to comment, I always try to pronounce the letters of the word verification as an entire word. I really crack myself up with that. I even say it outloud as I'm typing it. I guess the reason why I wanted to post about this, is because just doing that when I got home, made me feel better....made me laugh. Alot. I love that I can do that to myself.

As I was typing that last sentence, I decided to make a list of five things that I love about myself, and five things that I don't think are that great. Nothing wrong with a little soul searching. Even, brutal honesty towards one's self. I seem to be doing alot of that lately, what with my current situation. Anyway....here goes:

I LOVE ME BECAUSE:

I am a humble, unconceited person. But one who knows that I'm intelligent, funny, and dependable.

I have a big, wide-open heart, and because I have faith that one day I will benefit from that.

I'm down-to-earth and pretty easygoing. Most of my intense thoughts I keep to myself, because I don't like to make scenes or lose my temper.

I'm a very open person, who loves people - no matter what their race, shape, or religion. I truly believe that everyone was created equal. EVERYONE.

I really give of myself to the people around me. It makes me feel good to do things for others, or give them things, especially when I do it without expecting or wanting something in return.

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE:

I'm way too sensitive. Sometimes I wish that I didn't let what others think hurt my feelings so easily.

I'm not a "freak" about it or anything, but I am extremely organized and I really like things a certain way. It's not so much that I want to change that, I just wish I could get it through my head that, to some people, it's not that big of deal to them. And just let it go.

I can't say "No". (Minds out of the gutter please!)

I feel guilty alot. Even about things I can't control. (Back to being too sensitive.....)

The feeling that I sometimes hate all of the things I love about myself. There are times when I just wish that I could be a cold-hearted, unfeeling, bitch. Then maybe I wouldn't feel sometimes like I'm the only one around me that is suffering, while everyone else seems to be getting along just fine. I just wish I didn't feel so much - and so deeply - about even the smallest of things. I guess I'm just way too passionate about life, in general, sometimes.

OK - Sorry guys. That was deep - even for me - and, NO, I'm not drunk - I only had three (maybe eight) beers. Really, I'm not trashed - just in "thinking" mode - like always. You should try this exercise. It's way more intense than the 100 list. This time, you're not just stating facts, your stating true feelings. It's pretty hard. Even for me.

Time for Beddy-Bye....Sweet Dreams Everybody!

*Much Love*