Mind Blowing Insanity

Is This Really MY Life?

2010-05-15T15:09:00.004-04:00

It just dawned on me last night that I have a life full of regrets. I have no idea what to do about it or where to go from here. I'm only 37 years old, but I'm at that point in my life where I'm starting to panic because NOTHING is the way I want it to be. Am I going to grow old alone? Am I going to regret the fact that I never had a child? I don't want to live my life this way, but I can't control my thoughts or my feelings. I'm sad and I literally just realized that I don't know if I've ever been truly happy. I'm good at holding everything inside and putting a smile on my face, but I'm tired. I just don't know where to go from here.

One Hand In My Pocket

2009-10-09T15:21:00.003-04:00

Lyrics from one of my favorite songs....and words that pretty much sum up my feelings as of late.

I'm broke, but I'm happy
I'm poor, but I'm kind
I'm high, but I'm grounded
I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost, but I'm hopeful, baby.

What it all comes down to....is that everything is going to be fine, fine, fine
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign.

I feel drunk, but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired, but I'm working, yeah
I care, but I'm restless
I'm here, but I'm really gone
I'm wrong, and I'm sorry baby.

What it all comes down to...is that everything is going to be quite alright
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket and the other is flickin a cigarette.
And what it all comes down to...is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign.

I'm free, but I'm focused
I'm green, but I'm wise
I'm hard, but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad, but I'm laughing
I'm brave, but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick, but I'm pretty, baby.

And what it all boils down to, is that no one's really got it all figured out just yet
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is playing a piano.
And what it all comes down to my friends, is that everything is just fine, fine, fine
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is hailing a taxi cab.

I'm Alive

2009-10-06T18:29:00.002-04:00

It's been forever since I've posted and I'm sure I've been long forgotten by my long-time readers....but I guess that's what I get for disappearing. I lost my "voice" for awhile and wasn't really sure what to write. I'm still working on getting my mojo back and hope to begin sharing my life again. I just wanted anyone who was wondering to know that I am alive and doing OK.

Just A Little Note....

2009-04-05T13:09:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I'm actually having a good day today! My weekend has been nice and relaxing and I'm feeling a little more like myself. Hope this feeling stays around for awhile. I know that a big part of it is the fact that I have been staying at the man's house the last week because my heater went up in smoke. It's felt like old times when we lived together before. All I can say is this....I don't ask for much, but that feeling of waking up next to the person you love is all I need and want. It's been wonderful.

I'm dreading the day when I have to get back to reality.

Escrow Update....

2009-03-30T10:21:00.001-04:00

At least some progress is underway....

http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/chi-fri-escrow-ag-0327-mar27,0,4150674.story

IT IS WHAT IT IS.....

2009-03-26T14:52:00.000-04:00

Well, I’m back in all of my cursed glory.

I originally took my site down from public view because my Dad stumbled across it by “googling” my name, and I just felt that overall it had become so exposed that I couldn’t be myself or say what I wanted to say without worrying that someone would be pissed or upset. Well guess what folks? I really just don’t care anymore. This is MY site that I created for ME to have an outlet. So, if anyone reads or sees something that offends them….then DON’T get on my site. I am an adult and entitled to my feelings, whether you agree with them or not.

Wow – I feel a little better already.

Now – for an update. I hope you all are sitting down, because it’s not good.

1. The House: I have finally lost my battle, and it’s being foreclosed on. I entered an agreement with the mortgage company to modify the terms of the outrageous mortgage I had to take out after the divorce. I did everything I was supposed to do under the terms of our agreement, never heard a word back from them (even after numerous phone calls) and then get served with a Foreclosure Complaint, basically losing the $3,500 I had just sent in. In addition to that, three days later, I get a letter in the mail from my escrow company stating that they have gone out of business, won’t be paying my property taxes (even though they deducted money from my bank account each month) and have no money to reimburse me the $2,500 they deducted in 2008. It literally makes me want to kill somebody.

2. The relationship: I don’t know what more I could POSSIBLY do to be happy. I have done more to try and make him happy than anyone else ever has. I wish I could get some credit for that. He still holds himself back from me. Do you know how long it’s been since a man told me that he loved me? Pathetically too long. For the last three years I have done nothing but try my damndest to please him….and I always come back feeling like I will never be good enough for him to finally bring his walls down. Makes me sick. My feelings today are basically this: If this is the best this relationship will ever be….it’s not good enough. I guess I should have realized this a couple of years ago….but I always do this, so it shouldn’t be a big surprise. He just went on a trip out of town and I wrote him a note in one of his cards (that I always give him when he travels) pouring out my heart and asking that he please put more effort into “us” and that if he did, he would never regret it. The response I got (which I had to ask for) was “that card was pretty intense”. Well, after three years, it should be intense.

I know it’s my fault I’m miserable. I know that I should find someone who makes me happy. But honestly, I’m getting to the point in my life where I don’t think anyone will ever measure up to what I expect. Maybe that is why my heart always gets broken…..even by my family. I just feel like I put 110% of myself into every relationship I’m in, whether it be family, friends or love. Is it too much to ask to get the same in return? Am I living in some fantasy land? I mean, when it’s just the two of us it couldn’t be better. It’s just not turning out the way I had hoped. It’s taking too long. Am I just being impatient? If I think it’s worth it, shouldn’t I just wait it out. I’ve just got a bad feeling that I’m not going to get the answer I’ve been wishing for. What else is new?

The Dawn of a New Day

2008-12-31T11:14:00.003-05:00

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and that all of your holiday wishes came true. I had a nice time with my family and even heard from a few old friends.

As 2008 comes to a close, I just wanted to reflect back on the year and point out the best and worst that the year had to offer. I know I haven’t been very forthcoming over the last year, and there are definitely some reasons for that, but I am hoping that 2009 will bring me peace of mind and the ability to starting sharing again.

Let me get the bad things out the way first:

My 33 year old cousin (who was up for a kidney transplant) has been in a coma since April and still remains so. It is the most heartbreaking thing to see and something that I pray for every single day.

My heart got broken (AGAIN) in May 2008 when my boyfriend (and the best roommate ever) moved into his own place. We are still together, and things are going OK, but it still hurts sometimes. I’d much rather move forward with someone than backwards. It’s a no-win situation for me. I know he’s sick of hearing me talk about it – which is why I don’t anymore.

I lost my beloved Gramps in June of 2008…the Last of the Mohicans so to speak. His passing left my 55 year old father as the oldest member of our family, which is a really sad thing to me for some reason. I feel like my dad is still so lost after losing his father and it’s a hard thing to watch sometimes.

I’m still in limbo over my house. I’ve had it up for sale for almost a year now and still nothing. It’s a very difficult internal battle for me. Some days I just want to let it all go and start over again (for about the fourth time in my life)…and some days my pride takes over and I feel like I would walk through fire to keep it. I just can’t make up my mind about anything lately. That’s another difficult thing for me.

On to more positive thoughts:

My brother-in-law made it back safe from Afghanistan. Who could ask for a better start to the year than that?

My sister, brother-in-law and their beautiful girls finally came back from New York to live in our town. That was the best thing that could have happened for me. Having my sister back in my daily life is probably the thing that keeps me going.

I got my sister a job working with me at the law office and it has just been awesome. We grow closer every day. We ride to and from work together, eat lunch together, and just have the best time. It makes me feel like a million bucks.

So, I guess, in retrospect, my little sister has been the most positive thing for me this year. I’m so proud of her and happy that she has such a beautiful little family…even if I do get jealous from time to time. Sometimes, I feel like my heart will explode at how full it is with love for her. She’s my reason for getting up some mornings. It’s a good feeling.

I do also give thanks for my boyfriend - even though we have different thoughts on the way things should be - he is always there to support me and encourage me and for that I will always love him.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Years’ Eve and an even better 2009!

Much Love, As Always

~Jinwistful~ XOXO

When The Conversation's Over....

2008-12-04T13:13:00.007-05:00

Something must be terribly wrong with me. I just can't seem to find my happy place anymore. Another birthday just passed and I'm in the same damn slump I've been in for the past three (almost four) years now. I just feel like life is passing me by and I'm just sitting around waiting for something....or someone....and I don't know how to get started again. Don't get me wrong - I don't walk around pouting and acting depressed. As a matter of fact, I do the exact opposite.

I just feel lonely. It's hard for me to put it into words. The other night, I accidentally locked my keys in my car. Of course it was cold, sleeting rain and after midnight. I realized at that moment that I had not ONE single person to call for help. I try to live a good life. I'm friendly and outgoing, compassionate and always worried about everyone else. It just amazes me that I don't have any lasting relationships in my life. How did I end up like this? How can I turn things around?

My love life is another part of me that weighs heavily on my mind. I'm doing the same thing I've done in every other relationship I've been in. Why you ask? Because I'm a dumbass. I can't help what my heart wants. I can't help it that I have feelings for someone that doesn't put as much effort into the relationship as I do. I've spent almost three years in this relationship and feel like we are at the two-week stage. I shouldn't have to be "squeezed" into his schedule. I shouldn't have to wonder if I'm going to see him this day or that day, or wonder if he's going to call. At least I think I'm pretty fuckin special.

Life and love shouldn't be so complicated. I make him feel special. I go out of my way to do little things and send little cards. It's not much - but I think it's nice when someone shows how much they care. It's not in the gifts or the money spent. It's the TIME you spend and the EFFORT you put forth. That's what really matters to me. I guess what it boils down to...is the way I feel when we are together. The butterflies in my stomach....the way I feel when we lock eyes across a room....our quiet time together. It keeps me going....I just wish there were more times like that.

Oh well...I'm done bitching. Conversation over.

Happy Punkin Day!!

2008-10-31T10:17:00.001-04:00

Pardon Me While I Turn My Back and Walk Away

2008-10-09T11:13:00.001-04:00

So much has happened in my life since I took my blog hiatus. I don’t even really know where to begin. I will just try and update a little at a time. I just got to a point where I was sick of my own life. Sick of thinking about it… sick of living it…. sick of writing about it…aren’t you all sick of hearing me whine about the same old shit constantly? Trust me….I understand, because I’m sick of things being this way.

I work at a career that I’m totally burnt out on. I live in a house I can’t afford (or sell!!!) and I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me nearly as much as I love him. Who doesn’t want marriage or kids….or maybe he just doesn’t verbalize or show it. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m tired of trying to get it out of him. Tired of waiting around...but yet I'm not going anywhere.

Typical Jinsane, right? Some things NEVER change.

I don’t need to hear comments about leaving him, or that I deserve better, or any of those things. I KNOW this. I’ve been this way since the very first relationship I was ever in. That is just WHO I AM. I don’t play games or play hard to get. There is no way I can turn my feelings off or act like I don’t have them…They just are. And they are here to stay. The bane of my existence.

I have always been in relationships where I always give 110% and never get it in return. My way of thinking is that I always give all of my energy and all of my heart to whatever I’m doing. Anything less would be FAILURE!! But it seems that by the time whoever I’m with finally realizes how wonderful I am – I’m over it. I shouldn’t have to waste years at a time being taken for granted. And, I’m still powerless to stop myself.

I just seem to be unable to change things. Like no matter what I do, I’m just NOT happy.

Maybe the love, and the relationship, and the partnership I envision for myself just isn’t possible. Maybe it’s something that will always elude me. I just don’t understand what’s so hard about finding someone that you will ALWAYS be passionate about, ALWAYS be in love with, ALWAYS enjoy hanging around with….am I just expecting too much out of life?

Sometimes I sit back and think – “just slow down – take it one day at a time – and everything will work itself out”. Well, you know what I say to that? “BULLSHIT”!!! Life is too short to waste your time. I just wish I had the answers. I'm sick and tired of waiting for my happiness to begin.

Live Your Life For Something That Counts

2008-07-21T14:47:00.003-04:00

This message was on a church sign-board by my house. It really struck me. I can't think of one thing I'm living for that actually matters.

I really need to find my way....and fast.

I'm just not happy, and haven't been for a LONG time.

It sucks.

R.I.P. Gramps - 6/21/08

2008-06-23T09:07:00.004-04:00

I love you Gramps and I know you are with Grams now.

Rest in Peace.

I've Grown Silent....

2008-05-13T13:46:00.002-04:00

I just don't feel like sharing.....or talking......or thinking.....or......caring.

The Song Remains The Same....

2008-04-18T11:05:00.001-04:00

As I sit here typing this post, my soulmate is closing on his brand new house. Next week-end is the big move. Everything I’ve been dreading is approaching faster than I would like.

I found it to be very ironic that I was woken out of bed at 5:30 this morning by a 5.2 earthquake. Literally! The fact that we NEVER have that kind of event where I live, was just the icing on the cake. It was the epitome of how I feel….my whole life getting shook up! Crazy how things work out.

I know I haven’t posted in well over a month. I just haven’t had anything to say. I’m trying to numb my heart…my body….my mind….from all the things that are constantly rolling around in my brain. I’m just tired. There’s nothing I can do but accept the changes in my life and move on.

There is a lot more that I want to say, but I just don’t have it in me right now to type it. I just wanted everyone to know that I’m alive, and that I WILL survive…..even if it breaks my heart.

Open Letter....

2008-03-05T11:41:00.002-05:00

Open Letter to My Soul Mate:

My head is on your shoulder, not because I’m sleepy, but because I want to be CLOSER to you

I would much rather be KISSED in the rain than inside a bedroom or an expensive restaurant

I love ending a HUG with a KISS, and I love getting a hug for no apparent reason

You can talk to me about anything, and I will ALWAYS listen

We have tons of inside jokes and I remember each and EVERY one

I will always BRAG about you to my family and friends

I love it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the NECK

I LOVE YOU for who you are…not what you do….or what you can give me

I don’t care what other people say about US

I will BE here regardless of the circumstances

The best things in life are free

Love, Me

******************

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who doesn't anymore, and who always will. Don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

HNT - Hearts Day Edition

2008-02-14T13:10:00.005-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone - and Happy HNT too!

On this day dedicated to love, I wanted to share my idea of what perfect love is. Simply put:

I belive that it is with someone who has rooted themselves in my heart as my Best Friend. A man who I came to like because I knew what made him laugh, but grew to love him because I also learned what made him cry. A man who holds me close when I'm at my best, and holds me even tighter when I'm at my very worst. The best relationships, the ones that last, are most often the ones that are rooted in friendship. I want a man, who, while he was just my friend, somewhere along the way crept into my heart, and suddenly became the only man I can ever imagine myself with.

I had to reuse this picture because I'm having camera issues....because I'm wearing red.....and because I just LOVE IT!!

Much Love, As Always - Jinsane XOXO

HNT 02.07.08

2008-02-07T11:15:00.001-05:00

My mind stays weak, while my heart continues to break.
Everything that was good is unspoken.
Nothing will ever be the same.
Maybe in another dimension or in another life.
But this one has crashed....and set on fire.
The ashes fly and fall.
I will go nowhere....because I'm nothing at all.

02.05.08

2008-02-05T12:51:00.000-05:00

Still sitting here on jury duty. What a HUGE waste of time this has been! It has been interesting though. It's amazing how many crazy people there are out there. And I thought I was nuts?

Nothing new has changed in my world. My man is still house-hunting. My ex-husband just bought a house. And, here I sit - in the house I so desperately wanted to keep - getting ready to lose everything. Strange how the world works sometimes. They say that it's much better to lose your pride to someone you love, than to lose someone you love because of your pride. Looks like I'll be living those words of wisdom from both sides.

T.G.I.F. 02 01 08

2008-02-01T11:12:00.001-05:00

Worry Looks Around.

Sorry Looks Back.

Faith Looks Up.

Jury Duty.....

2008-01-30T10:15:00.000-05:00

Well, I started jury duty Monday. It's been one long ass three days so far. Nothing to do, but sit and wait....and of course, play on the internet. It's kinda like being at work!!! LMAO

Anyhoo, not alot to say today - just wanted to let everyone know I'm still breathing, still trying to keep my chin up, and my head above water.

Love You All - Jinsane - XO

HNT 01.24.08

2008-01-24T08:19:00.000-05:00

Well here it is again…..already Thursday. My thoughts are so complex and convoluted that I can’t even put them into words. I’m just so exhausted from the stress of the last few years, that I feel like I’ve aged at twice the rate I should have. There are so many things I want to say, so many thoughts I want to share – but some of the things that have happened to me are just too much for me to write about….even when my emotions are at their rawest (is that even a word?).

This financial situation I’m in with my house and my twice-doubled utility bills is taking the worst toll on me – both mentally and physically. I’ve put applications in everywhere I can think of to get a second job…..and have had no response. You wouldn’t think it would be so hard to pick up something part-time, but I’m having a hell of a time. I started bartending last Friday at a little pub – (NO – not Tim Tam’s – for those of you who have been around awhile) – but the money just isn’t there. I’m at a total loss of what to do…..until I sell my house.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and do different. There are so many things right now that I wish I could change. I’m just not in a good place…..and honestly, I’m getting really sick and tired of saying that.

Enough Pissing and Moaning for now……on with my HNT!

Happy HNT Everyone!!

Much Love, As Always - Jinsane XO

General Update......

2008-01-18T11:19:00.000-05:00

Well, a lot has been going on since my hiatus began…..and a lot has stayed the same. Unfortunately.

I do have some good news though. My brother-in-law has learned that he won’t have to be re-deployed and that they should all be home for good in May or June. I’m so excited. It will be great to have my sister and nieces home. Back in December, my brother –in-law adopted my niece, Melly (how could any of you forget her?), and now they are all one big happy family. I’m just tickled to death for her and my sister. It was a BIG DAY for the family!!

What a beautiful family!!

Does it get any better than this??

The sad news for me, is that I’m finally having to sell my house. I’ve hung on as long as I could, and I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve been so stressed out for the last couple of years (as you all know), and had so much shit going on. I’m ready for a break. I’m ready to start actually LIVING my life.

My boyfriend just got approved for his house loan, so I’m sure he’ll start looking soon, and I’ll be alone AGAIN!! Who knows what’s going to happen in the future. I just wish it would happen….so I know where I stand. I have a feeling it’s not going to be where I want.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season….and a great start to your 2008. It’s good to be back. I’ve missed hearing from everyone!!

Much Love, As Always - Jinsane - XO

HNT 01.17.08

2008-01-16T20:40:00.000-05:00

I got miles of trouble spreadin' far and wide
Bills on the table gettin' higher and higher
They just keep on comin', there ain't no end in sight
I'm just holding on tight...

I've got someone who loves me more then words can say
And I'm thankful for that each and every day
And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face
Still it's hard to find faith..

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me believe

Its just day to day tryin' to make ends meet
What I'd give for an address out on Easy Street
I need a deep margarita to help me unwind
Leave my troubles behind...

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me believe

I used to believe in us
When times got tough
But lately I'm afraid that even love is not enough

But if you can can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me
Oh, you just might make me
You just might make me believe

I'm Still Alive....

2007-12-18T20:17:00.000-05:00

I know it's been forever since I posted last....I'm just not feeling it right now.....

I've decided to take off until after the new year....so I hope everyone has a wonderfully happy holiday season!!!

With that said.....these are my Christmas wishes:

1. To sell my house as soon as possible, so that I can get on with my life.

2. To find a friendship that will last my lifetime.

3. To be in a relationship that is based on mutual love, respect, loyalty and honesty.

4. To harden my heart against the constant forces trying to break it.

5. To try and live my life for me, instead of someone else, for a change.

6. The Health & Happiness of my family.

Until 2008....I love you all!!

XO - Jen

!@#$%^&*(

2007-11-26T15:58:00.000-05:00

Well, a lot has happened since I posted last. You know how I get…..sometimes I just don’t feel like thinking or talking about my life. Other times, I think and talk WAY TOO MUCH about it.

A week before Thanksgiving, my Mom decided to cancel the tradition we’ve had since I’ve been born, in favor of driving to New York to spend it with my sister. Of course, I understand the reasoning behind it. My parents just adore my nieces. And because they had already missed Melly’s 7th birthday the week before, they felt they needed to be with them. It was very sad for me not having my family around. It just brought back all the feelings I have about being single and childless and knowing that one day, all of my holidays will be this way. It’s just plain depressing.

This was my first year cooking Thanksgiving dinner. My boyfriend had his brothers over (both of their parents passed away years ago), and I must say that I am extremely proud of myself. My dinner turned out absolutely wonderful, and it made me feel good that he, at least, had his family around. It was a really nice day for him and I feel like they all really enjoyed themselves.

Saturday was my 35th birthday. Needless to say, it turned out to be a disaster – one that I don’t feel like discussing. Sunday, my boyfriend left for a work trip out of town, and will be gone for about two weeks. Alone again…..

I really need to get a life.

On a positive note, Extreme Makeover Home Edition was in town recently to build a much-deserving family a new home. I volunteered my time and spent an evening in the freezing cold working on the job site. What an adventure that was!! I will be using this as my theme for this week’s HNT, along with a little back story about the family.

Anyway, I really hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday.

XO - Jinsane

Checking In...

2007-11-15T10:52:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have no HNT today...I'm having issues with my camera and some family drama. I just wasn't in the mood this week. I hope everyone is doing well!!

HNT 11.08.07

2007-11-07T20:21:00.001-05:00

The countdown to my heartbreak has begun. How do you prepare for something that you know is going to change your life….that you know is going to tear you down…..that you know will forever haunt you as the one thing you could have avoided, but didn’t?

I’ve always been a free spirit. Never afraid to tell people how I feel….to act on my feelings….to jump right into anything…..that is what makes me who I am. But, sometimes I get to the point where I am tired of always being the one left behind. I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

Here in a few months , “LC” will begin the house-hunting process. I am left in limbo as to what I should do from there. If I wait until he moves out to put my house up for sale, it could take months, or even years, to sell it. If I put it up now and sell it – and he hasn’t found a house yet – then what would he do? Of course, I know that sounds ridiculous. Why in the hell should I worry what he would do – he’s the one moving out? Let him worry about it….and I will worry about me. But, that’s just not who I am.

He’s made it PAINFULLY clear to me that he doesn’t like feeling married. He is extremely independent and basically he wants the relationship his way. Why is it taking me so long to realize that this is not the kind of relationship I want? And, even though I’m realizing it….why am I still wanting to be a part of it? Because I love him. It’s really that simple. God, sometimes I feel like the biggest fuckin’ idiot!

HNT - 10.25.07

2007-10-25T10:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been super busy, both at work and socially - which I guess is a good thing - so I didn't have any time this week to be creative. So, I did what any other lazy person would do, and I am recycling an HNT shot from last year. Regardless, I hope you enjoy!!

Happy HNT Everyone!!

Much Love, As Always - Jinsane

Confused Yet? So Am I!

2007-10-24T11:10:00.000-04:00

Last Friday night, my boyfriend and I got into another little argument about the future of things. He made a comment about “feeling married” and not liking it, that I deserved to have a family and the things I want, but that he doesn’t want those things. So, I decided the best thing to do was to break up. He told me it was the beer talking, and that he didn’t want to hear it. So, I told him to ask me again in the morning.

The morning came and I got up to get me some breakfast….after asking him if he wanted anything. He asked me if I was breaking up with him and I said, “Yes”. I told him I remembered every word of what I said….and, more importantly, every word that he had said. I told him that even that I know I’m screwing myself, because I will definitely lose my house, I can’t put anymore of my heart and soul out there for someone who doesn’t want it. Then, I left to get our breakfast.

Afternoon rolled around and I asked him where he was going to watch the Kentucky game, and he said, “Don’t you want to watch it with me?” Long story short….we ended up going out and watching the game. We went to two different bars, before deciding we would really rather just be at home, watching it together. We have so much fun, just the two of us.

Can you understand my confusion here?

Sunday morning came and he asked if I wanted to grill out some steaks and just relax. I said, “Of course”. Well, we ended up going to a friend of ours, who was having a cookout, and had a really great day. After the food was done, he said, “Baby…will you make me a plate to take home?” And I said, “No….you are making me feel like I’m married…make your own plate.” Sorry….but I had to get that little dig in there. They are the only things that keep me sane. Of course, I then went and made his plate.

It’s like being a couple is only convenient when he wants it to be. And it confuses the living shit out of me.

Monday night, we took an hour drive to meet his boss, who was en route to Ohio. We stopped at a restaurant to eat some dinner and kill some time while we were waiting on him. As soon as we sat down, we noticed this big commotion at the table behind us. It was a large party of bikers, who were celebrating a woman’s birthday. All of the sudden the waitress comes around carrying this balloon. I could see the look on the woman’s face, like “Oh great….a balloon.” What she didn’t notice at first was the engagement ring tied to the string. When her boyfriend (now finance) pointed it out to her, she immediately started bawling, and I admit, I teared up too! I just thought that was the sweetest little sentiment…..especially for some rough neck biker. Of course, the first words out of MY man’s mouth were, “He has no idea what he just got himself into!” Just like another knife in the heart.

I feel like I’m back with my ex-husband. It took me EIGHT years to win his heart. I’m just getting too old to think about fighting for another decade to settle down with someone I love.

I know you all probably think I’m a lunatic. And, like I’ve said a thousand times, we are the only ones in the relationship, and it’s impossible for me to point out all the things that make me want to stay. Some days, I just want to take things a day at a time, and not rush him or myself into any decisions. I guess because the point where he is going to start house-hunting is fast approaching, and it terrifies me. I feel like as soon as he moves out, this relationship will be doomed. Of course, he doesn’t see it that way, but then again, he’s the one making the decisions, not me. I guess I just yearn for the time when I’m with someone who wants to make decisions TOGETHER. Isn’t that what being a couple, especially one that lives together, means?

Do I just want too much? Do I want something that just isn’t out there? Or, did I fall for someone who “just isn’t that into me”? I guess only time will tell.

What the Hell??

2007-10-19T10:10:00.000-04:00

So, he walks in and says, “I brought you some chicken wings”. Instead of punching him in the face, like I felt like doing, I just went to bed.

I am not the kind of girl who blows up a guy’s phone. I may sit home and worry about where he is….not in a psychotic kind of way, but in a caring way. If he is 10, 20, 45 minutes late, I don’t ask him 100 questions about where he’s been. But when he is almost six hours late getting home, with no phone call, no reply to the ONE text message I sent just making sure he was OK, especially when we had massive storms last night….that’s just plain insensitive. I’m not trying to put him on a leash. It’s just RESPECT for your partner. You know what I mean?

And, all of this on top of my ex-husband (you all remember the one!) stopping by the house out of the blue last night. How weird is that? He said he was in the neighborhood, and thought he’d see how I was doing. I must say, it did knock me for a loop. It was awkward, but also extremely familiar. I guess when you are with someone for almost 14 years, that’s the way it goes. It was just your basic chit-chat….but we did clear a few things up. I was almost sad when he left, but it wasn’t a feeling like I was sad we weren’t together. I think I was just sad at the loss of a great friendship. Who knows? Maybe we can actually be friends again. When he told me about the few girls he has dated, I didn’t feel one ounce of jealousy or any other crazy feelings like that….and that felt good too. Of course, I’m in love with someone else now, so I guess that makes sense.

It was just a weird night, with lots of weird emotions. But, what else is new?

HNT - Wildcat Edition

2007-10-17T22:38:00.000-04:00

L-S-WHO?? My beloved Cats beating the #1 team in the nation last weekend, was exactly what my spirit needed. Don't be a hater.....it's been 43 years since Kentucky has beat a #1 team!! Let us have our little moment in the sun. I am definitely worried about playing Florida on Saturday, but right now I'm just taking a few days to bask in the glory.

There are two things that should be in a TRUE Kentucky Girl's TOP 5 of Life:

That is Jesus and the Kentucky Wildcats. I hope that this picture captured that!!

Kentucky women appreciate their natural assets: Clean skin; A winning smile; and that unforgettable Southern drawl.

Kentucky women have a distinct way with fond expressions : "Y'all come back!" "Well, bless your little heart!" "Drop by when you can" and "How's your Momma?"

Kentucky women know everybody's first name: Honey, Darlin', Baby

Kentucky women know the 3 deadly sins: Having bad hair and nails, Having bad manners, and Cooking bad food

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner can show or point you to the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor whose got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large derby pie!

They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or twenty. Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

In the South, y'all is singular, and y'all is plural.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line" we talk to everybody!

And for those who are not from the South, but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need is a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Happy HNT Everyone, from your favorite Kentucky girl!!

Much Love As Always - Jen-Wildcat-Sane

Happy Day Before Thursday!!

2007-10-17T12:00:00.001-04:00

Visit www.hostdrjack.com

Miracle in the Bluegrass

2007-10-15T11:42:00.001-04:00

HOW ABOUT THEM KENTUCKY WILDCATS!!!

HNT 10.04.07

2007-10-04T00:02:00.000-04:00

Well, since I have missed a couple of HNT's over the last few months. Namely, Labor Day - which you know is important to me - my beloved Wildcats victory over the Cardinals (F*CKIN AWESOME!!) and, of course, the NFL season kickoff!! So, in honor of my Chiefs (yeah, I know - they suck so far - but I am NOT a fair weather fan!!), I bring you my first NFL Edition of the year. I decided to get a little quirky with it, because I was just in the mood. And, I LOVE LOVE LOVE how it turned out!! (You gotta love natural tan lines - yummy!!)

BTW: Not sure why it turned out so small, but you can click on the picture to get the full effect!! LMAO

Hope you enjoy!!! GO CHIEFS!!!

Hope you all have a great day!!!

Much Love, As Always - ~Jin-Chiefs Fan-Sane~ XO

P.S. In belated honor of Labor Day - "LiUNA - Feel the Power"

Checking In.....Again

2007-10-03T13:26:00.001-04:00

Sorry I've been MIA for the last couple of weeks. I've had so much going on with the new job and everything. I have to admit that I was definitely having second thoughts after my first week, but things are looking up.

My man has only been home for three days in the last six weeks because of traveling for work, so I am extremely lonely. It takes a lot of getting used to.

My sister, bro-in-law and the babies are coming in for a quick visit this weekend, so I'm really excited about that!!!

I hope that everyone is doing well!!

Tune in tomorrow....I've got a fun HNT in mind.

XO - Jinsane

HNT - Real Women Have Curves Edition

2007-09-20T08:25:00.000-04:00

I experienced technical difficulties last night while trying to post my HNT this week, so I had to wait until this morning to go through the archives of my photo sessions. I found one I think you will enjoy. I have never posted this before, so it's just as good as new!!! LMAO

Things have been going well. Only two days left of work until I start the new job. I'm so excited about it. Now, all I have to do is get my man to fall so madly in love with me, that he won't ever want to move out. (See last HNT post.) ;o)

I hope everyone is doing well!!

Much Love, As Always - Jencurvy XO

Just Checking In.....

2007-09-18T10:19:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and words of encouragement on my last post. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to try and help!!

I do have some good news for a change!! I FINALLY got a new job. I start next Tuesday!!! Whoo Hoo!!! More money and - NOW - I have health insurance!!

Hopefully, this is a sign of better things to come!!! I could really use it.

HNT - What in the Hell Am I Doing? Edition

2007-09-13T09:46:00.000-04:00

Where do I start? I've had so much going through my head, and so many things happening lately, that I honestly, for once, don't know what to say. Be prepared for one my most rambling messes to date!

Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Most of the time, I know I am.

Most too often lately, I've been getting this sudden overwhelming feeling of panic. Like I just wanted to get up and run....but I don't know where.....or from what.

I know that over the last year or so, I haven't been writing too many of my personal thoughts down, or too much about what I've been up to. So here goes.....

About a year and a half ago, when I was going through my divorce, and after the whole Bryan disaster, [those of you who have been around awhile, know what I'm talking about], I met someone. He, too, was going through a divorce. And I thought my ex-husband was nuts??? His ex-wife is a calculated, manipulating psycho. But she has nothing to do with this, except for the fact that she ruined him, just like most women do to the men I end up with.

Anyhoo....I met him while I was going through the whole back-and-forth thing about whether or not to keep my house. He also had a house that he was trying to sell (in a different County). It's a long story as to why he wasn't living in his own house at the time. That's his story to tell, not mine. Anyway, long story short, he needed a place to live and I needed a roommate. So, he moved in and I kept my house. Of course, we both thought we were nuts because we had just gotten out of long relationships/marriages, and there we were, dating for two and a half months and then....BAM...moving in together. I know.....I know....you don't have to say it. But, you must also know that we had both been separated from our respective spouses for almost a year before we met, so this is not something that happened immediatley after the break up of our marriages.

Not too say this wasn't a good thing. I mean I was happy as hell, and we get along perfectly. So what's the problem, you ask?

I fell and I fell HARD. More so than I ever felt with my ex-husband. Just like I said I wasn't going to. He had told me when he moved in that he eventually wanted to buy another house of his own (after his sold). I can understand that. I mean, I've fought tooth and nail to keep my house, so how can I begrudge him that? It just hurts my feelings so bad that after living together for over a year now, we're going to be taking this huge step backwards. Of course, he doesn't see it this way. It's not like we're breaking up or anything, he tells me. And I know that. It's just hard to imagine having him here every night, to all of sudden living alone again, but with us still being together. It's just stupid if you ask me. Why go through the expense of having two households to run??? I mean, it's not even like he wants "us" to live together in his new house. He just wants a place of his own. (Enter the psycho ex-wife.....) He just wants somewhere that no one can try and kick him out of. You know the drill.

Anyway, it gets worse.

When we first met, he was on the fence about future marriage and/or kids. I mean, it's not like we talked about anything seriously, because we were both just getting divorced. But at the same time, I'm at the age now, where I don't want to waste my time on something that's going nowhere. You know what I mean?

It's not like I'm on the baby train or anything, but I would like to know that the option is there if we are still together in the future. Over the course of our relationship, he has started to lean on no marriage or kids. Again...I know - I know!

Everyone who knows me, tells me I'm insane to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to marry me, have kids with me, or hell.....even live with me. But again, we are the only two people in this relationship, and there's tons more to it. I'm not a completely naive idiot. I don't need a ring on my finger to know that someone is committed to me. And, as his lover and his friend, I know him better than anyone. We spend every waking moment together, and have done so since we met.

So, why do I feel so devastated? This isn't any big surprise to me.

I think that panic that I feel is me realizing that time is ticking away and I guess I'm not sure what I'm doing. We love each other, but he doesn't want the things I want. Hell, I'm not even sure what I want! Sometimes I yearn for a baby so bad, I can't stand it. Other times, I just feel like it's not in the cards for me, and I'm okay with that. But, when Jack died so suddenly a few weeks ago, I really started to freak out. I know that life is too short, so why am I wasting mine??

Please don't get on here and bash him. None of this is his fault. He's been completely honest with me from the beginning. I'm such an idiot for thinking I could love him enough for him to change his mind. I went through this same thing with my husband. I waited EIGHT years before we were married, and I feel like I'm too old to do this shit again.

He is the perfect mixture of everything I want in someone. He's kind and generous. He's loving and affectionate. He's funny as hell......and I think he's totally sexy. What else could I possibly need??

We have such a great life here together with my two dogs, who he absolutely adores. My family loves him. He loves spending time with me. So, why am I so fuckin mad at him? For telling me the truth? Maybe it's because I feel like his psycho ex-wife was good enough to marry, so why am I not?? Just because their marriage was terrible (as was mine), doesn't mean that ours would be. And, I'm not even trying to rush into marriage. It's just that if I know he never wants that, why am I still here?

It's like the same things I love about him, also make me furious sometimes. He is very independent, which I love. But, at the same time I get upset sometimes when he doesn't want to do things with me. I guess because we've basically done everything together since we met. He is extremely career oriented and is basically on call 24/7. But, at the same, I get tired of coming in second all the time. He travels alot for work, and sometimes doesn't get to call me alot while he's gone. I can understand that. I really can. But, sometimes I feel like surely there is SOME point in the day when he could at least call periodically to see how I'm doing.

Before I end this tirade, I just want to say that I totally trust him. I know for the people on the outside, they may have all kinds of scenarios running throught their minds, about his lack of commitment to the future. Trust me, I've thought of them all!!

I've just felt such a connection with him. More than anyone I've ever been with. We have this sort of weird unspoken bond between us that makes me feel so good. We can communicate with just a look. We finish each other's sentences. And most of all, we ENJOY each other.

I think I'm just freaking out. I don't know why I can't just sit back and see how it unfolds. Why I always have to be in a huge rush for everything. I guess because of what I said earlier. I was with my ex-husband for almost 14 years, and you see where that got me???

Basically, all I can say is that I love him. That I want to be with him. And, I really have no idea what else to say.

I know I'm rambling, but this is my first post in a long time, and I've got a lot on my mind. Please forgive this chaotic mess.

FUCK.

Anyway, I know this picture will be pretty disappointing, considering I've haven't done HNT in two weeks, but this picture basically sums up this post.

My two newest tattoos represent FAITH & HOPE. Those are the things I have always relied on, and I will continue to do so.

Hope everyone is doing well!!

Much Love, As Always - jINSANE XO

Life Is Way Too Short......

2007-08-27T16:23:00.000-04:00

Well, my post is put on hold again. My uncle died unexpectedly Saturday and I've completely lost my train of thought. It's hard to complain about your own life, when something like this happens.

He woke up Saturday morning and went about his normal routine. He came home for lunch, sat down in his recliner, and an hour later he was dead. Just like that!

One of the worst parts about it, is that he only had two days of work left before retirement. We had a huge surprise retirement party planned for him next Saturday. It just makes me sick.

It's been awhile since we've had a death in the family, so it hits extra hard. Not that they are ever easy, but it's even harder when it's so sudden. We've lost a great man.

There is a hole in the world today.

Rest In Peace, Jack.

I love you and miss you.

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 08.23.04

2007-08-23T10:15:00.001-04:00

Well, Thursday has rolled around again, and I realize that I haven't posted a single thing since last Thursday!!

I have been working on a gut-wrenching post, that isn't quite finished yet. I've had so much going on, that it's hard for me to put into words. So, please bear with me. I'm not sure what happened to my writing skills over the last year. I used to be able to just let it roll.....but something that has changed. I guess I've changed. No....I'm sure of it.

I'm so exhausted with my thought process, that I can't even form a complete sentence anymore. But, I'm determined to get it back. I'm determined to start sharing myself again, even if it kills me.

Enough about that.

I'm still in the archive portion of my HNT. I'm praying that I get my camera back soon.

With that said, I decided to use this picture.

It brought my thoughts to life, in that, I've turned my back on my blog.....I've shielded my thoughts and feelings, and I guess my true self, from you guys for awhile now. I need my outlet back, and I'm here to tell you that I intend to do just that.

I hope you all have a great day!!

HHNT!!

Much Love, As Always - ~Jentermined~

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 08.16.07

2007-08-16T11:09:00.000-04:00

Again, I've been at a loss for words. I have so much going on right now, and so much on my mind. I don't have any idea where to start. I used to get on here everyday and spill my guts out and I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it's because I've given too many people my page address or maybe it's because I'm tired of hearing myself whine. Whatever the reason, I really miss my outlet and it's taking a toll on my state of mind.

I still haven't gotten my camera back, so I had to resort to my archives again. I have so many to choose from, that it's actually harder than just taking a new picture!! LOL

This probably isn't as "half-nekkid" as some people would like, but that's all I have for this week!!! I hope you all have a blessed day!!

Much Love, As Always - ~Jinsane~

Michael Vick is a PUNK ASS

2007-08-13T10:14:00.000-04:00

As an animal lover and advocate, the Michael Vick saga has pissed me off enormously. I know this is old news, but I just had to post about it after I got this email today!!!! Too funny!!

Michael Vick's Jury:

The Fam....

2007-08-10T10:26:00.000-04:00

As always, my family has been in a state of despair since my sister, brother-in-law, and my two nieces went back to New York. They leave such a hole when they are gone. I just got a new set of pictures from my sister. They just took a week-end trip to Connecticut and she got some really good shots of the family. I thought I could at least post something hopeful today!!

Ryan, Melly and Bella. They all look GREAT in this picture!!

This is a classic family shot. I think we have one of all of us with our Dads....it's just a great shot.

This shot just cracked me up!!! I love how her foot is slung over the side of the wagon!!! ;o)

Does it get any better than this???

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 08.09.07

2007-08-08T23:09:00.000-04:00

I can always tell when I get depressed. I lose interest in everything that I once loved. This blog has been savior for over two years, and when I look back at my posts over the last month, I realize that well, frankly, there aren't any!!! I'm also disappointed in myself that the only time I really post is for HNT. I really want to make an effort to post more about the things going on in my life, because I really don't have any other venue in which to get things off my chest.

I have been extremely busy over the last three weeks or so. I ripped up all my carpet and began refinishing my hardwood floors. Talk about a job from hell!!! All of my furniture is now on my front porch, (granted, my porch is huge and screened-in), my dining room furniture is in the middle of my kitchen.....and my house is all around a total disaster area....but I'm sure I will love it once it's done.

I finally shipped my camera off for repairs. I feel like I've lost an arm or something. I'm totally lost without it. So.....this week for HNT, I went into my archive photos from past HNT shoots. I will probably have to do this for the next few weeks. I'm glad I take tons of pictures....because none of these have ever been posted before.

This is the one I chose for this week!! Hope you enjoy!!

Happy HNT Everyone!!

Much Love, As Always!! ~Jinsane~

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Os Style

2007-08-01T22:55:00.001-04:00

Well guys!! Sorry I've been MIA for so long. I was sick for most of last week and time seems to have gotten away from me.

On a happier note: You all know I've been down for quite a while now, so it was a nice surprise to get the Os Shirt in the mail!! Of course, with my luck, I finally get the shirt and then get sick the next day. Not only that, but then my flash goes completely out on my camera....so most of the pictures I took suck major ass. Anyway.....I did lend my creative hand to the Os Journal.....so if you ever have the pleasure to have it sent your way....look up my pages!!!

Thanks Os....for letting me be a small part of your history!!! Smooches.

Much Love, As Always - Jen XO

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Soul Edition

2007-07-18T12:13:00.000-04:00

In honor of the Marc Broussard concert last Thursday, I decided to incorporate his lyrics into my post today. He is truly a man of soul. And, because I am always soul-searching, I thought it a perfect combination.

The Beauty of Who You Are

There's a soft sweet space on the back of your neck
Smells like rain
There's a way you look at me baby
Heals my pain
I've studied every inch of your body
Baby what's on your mind
The touch of your skin just pulls me in
Every single time

There's a silent conversation
Filled with hidden revelations in your eyes

Baby I'm so into you
Every whisper from your soul to my heart
Baby I know its true
You're a sweet little mystery sent to me from the stars
And that's the beauty of who you are

There's a faith you're savin' for a rainy day
I could use right now
There's a way you move my soul to sing
Only you know how
You are a sensual salvation
You're the holiest temptation
Baby I'm never, never, never gonna be the same

Baby I'm so into you
Every whisper from your soul to my heart
Baby I know its true
You're a sweet little mystery sent to me from the stars
And that's the beauty of who you are

I can't explain it or begin to conceive
All I know is that you make me believe

I figured since the song was entitled "The Beauty of Who You Are", I would post a picture with no make-up, no posing, just me....the way I am.

Two Thoughts For the Day:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Happy HNT Everyone!!

Much Love, As Always....

~Jin-soulful-Sane~ XOXO

Just Things......

2007-07-17T11:12:00.001-04:00

Well, I had a pretty good weekend for a change.

Thursday night, I drove to Nashville to catch the Marc Broussard show.

He is my absolute favorite artist right now. He's not very well known, which is one of the things I love about him. I got off work, went home to change, jumped in my car and drove to Nashville all by my lonesome. I really do have balls when I need them!!! I also got the pleasure of meeting my first fellow blogger (and HNT'er) in person. Since I was in his neck of the woods, I decided "What the hell??". It was great meeting him and I just wanted to give him a shout-out for helping me get to the show.

I took the day off on Friday and was just absolutely lazy.

As you know, my sister, bro-in-law and my nieces are in town from New York. We had a belated 1st birthday party for Bella. And it was a really nice day. Is she not just the most precious thing??? (Besides Melly, of course!!)

On the down side, my air conditioning is out again, my office manager screwed me out of 10 hours of overtime on my check, and I still don't have a desk......

But, other than that.....life hasn't been too bad lately. At least I haven't had any real disasters occur. Especially, in light of the previous Friday the 13th!!! LMAO

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 07.12.07

2007-07-11T23:27:00.000-04:00

So...this is really my "I don't give a shit anymore" HNT post. I really don't want to seem so hateful, but I've been through so much in the last two years, that sometimes I just get in these moods. My heart is broken, my spirit has been destroyed, my faith has been shaken, and my hope has been diminished. Of course, I know I'll get through it!! I always do.

It's just that sometimes I don't feel like posting something full of spirit and strong will. I have my days, just like everybody else. The difference with me, is that I feel guilty for putting my depressed mood above the needs of others. But, today is my day damn it!!

I seem to have evolved back into the mode I was in when I first started this blog, which means a milion things to me right now. I've always had my spurts of bad luck, but this is getting absolutely ridiculous.

Whatever......here's my picture!

Actually, it's one of my favorites to date.....go figure!!

Happy HNT Everyone. May Each of You Have a Blessed Day!!!

Much Love, As Always - Jin-fedup-Sane

Good News.....Bad News....

2007-07-11T11:32:00.001-04:00

Good News: I got my stitches out last week.
Bad News: I still have the rash from my allergic reaction to my stitches.

Good News: Thank God I have dental insurance, if nothing else.
Bad News: I tripped and broke my two front teeth in half over the weekend.

Good News: My other wounds (bruised hand, knee, chest and jaw) are healing nicely.
Bad News: I still hurt from head to toe.

Good News: My sister, bro-in-law, and the babies got in town on Monday.
Bad News: I haven't seen my niece, Melly, yet. She's got a better social life than I do.

Good News: I have a job.
Bad News: I hate every single waking moment of it.

Good News: I have a house.
Bad News: I just went a month behind on my mortgage payment.

Good News: I don't give a shit anymore.
Bad News: My spirit has been utterly and completely broken.

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 4th of July Edition

2007-07-05T12:57:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. My firm has been in the middle of relocating offices, and while packing up my desk last Friday, I sliced my arm open. According to the ER doc, I was a tenth of a millimeter away from an artery. Needless to say, it was nasty.....and it hurt like hell. It only took three stitches, but now, apparently, I've had an allergic reaction to the medicated cream they gave me, so now I have an ugly rash right over top of the stitches. It never fails!!!

I'm not as isolated at my new desk as I was at the old place, so my "online" time has been drastically reduced.

I'm still waiting to get my camera fixedback, but was able to snap a shot yesterday. Sorry it's not much....but at least it's something.

I hope you all had a great 4th of July holiday!!

HHNT Everyone.

Much Love, As Always......

~Jin-stitchedup-sane~

Half-Nekkid Thursday - State of Mind Edition

2007-06-28T10:02:00.000-04:00

My state of mind differs with every second.

One minute I truly believe that everything is going to be OK.

Five seconds later, I feel overwhelmed with despair.

One minute I truly believe my luck is going to change.

Five seconds later, reality sets in and I realize that I'm just not a lucky person.

One minute I truly believe that I'm cared for and have a "few" good friends.

Five seconds later, I realize that I really am all alone in this world.

One minute I truly feel like giving up.

Five seconds later, my heart & pride take over and I realize that giving up is not an option!!

Today is a new day!!!!

Happy HNT Everyone!!!

XO - Jin~notgivinup~sane

Happy Day-Before-Thursday

2007-06-27T10:04:00.000-04:00

TMI Tuesday - Part 15

2007-06-26T17:43:00.000-04:00

1. If you were to face the Wizard of Oz, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart?

If I had to choose out of the three, I guess it would be more courage. It's impossible for me to have any more heart than I already do. I know I'm smart - so I guess courage would be what I would want more of.

2. Have you ever gone to court for anything? What for?

Not for me personally, but since I work in the legal field, I can honestly say I've been to Court plenty of times.

3. What was the last thing you did that you previously told yourself you wouldn't do?

Fall in love again.

4. Did you ever have a summer fling while on vacation?

No.

5. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone who's name you never knew?

No.

Bonus (as in optional): What is the best way to mend a broken heart?

Find love again, I suppose. I'm still trying to figure that one out!!

TGIF

2007-06-22T13:08:00.000-04:00

Half-Nekkid Thursday - FTW Edition

2007-06-21T10:11:00.000-04:00

OK.....This will not be a happy, mushy, sappy post....full of my hopes, feelings, and dreams. This is a post that pretty much sums up my feelings as of late.

FUCK the system that denies me from having health insurance.

FUCK this shithole place that I work - for less money than I deserve.

FUCK the mortgage company who is raping me on this high interest loan.

FUCK the credit card companies who are continually trying to add bullshit fees to my account.

FUCK the collection companies that call my phone every fuckin five minutes.

FUCK the groomer who just ruined my poor dog's fur.

FUCK the Kia Dealership, who not only didn't fix my car, but lost my keys in the process.

FUCK the government.

FUCK the bank who won't give me a loan to get back on my feet.

FUCK my air conditioning unit that leaks freon, and costs me an arm and leg.

FUCK the people who are lying to me right now - and I know who they are.

FUCK the people who take me for granted.

FUCK the people who treat me like shit.

FUCK divorce.

FUCK all the reasons why I'm on the verge of bankruptcy & foreclosure.

I was thinking of having a Fundraiser - where I ask all of my readers to mail me a dollar - and have a few of their friends mail me a dollar - and their friends mail me a dollar - ANYTHING to get me out of this hole I'm in.....but then I decided....FUCK IT!!!!

FUCK IT ALL!!

Happy HNT!!

XO - Jin-FTW-sane

Happy Hump Day!!

2007-06-20T12:25:00.000-04:00

Soul Searchin.....

2007-06-15T10:42:00.000-04:00

You can spend your whole life buildin'

Something from nothin'

One storm could come and blow it all away

BUILD IT ANYWAY

You could chase a dream

That seems so out of reach

And you know it might not ever come your way

DREAM IT ANYWAY

God is great, but sometimes life aint good

And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway

I DO IT ANYWAY

This whole worlds gone crazy

And it's hard to believe

That tomorrow will be better than today

BELIEVE IT ANYWAY

You can love someone with all you heart

For all the right reasons

And in a momemt they can choose to walk away

LOVE EM' ANYWAY

You can pour your soul out singin'

A song you believe in

That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang

SING IT ANYWAY

I SING

I DREAM

I LOVE........ANYWAY

(and it hurts like hell.......)

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Blue Collar Edition #4

2007-06-14T09:16:00.000-04:00

Well, guys......

I've been going through some more dramas lately....nothing really worth posting, unless you want to hear about my near-death experience with a semi going 85 m.p.h. on Monday and....oh yeah....getting my front tooth cracked at work on Tuesday......

But, all of that aside, I wanted to give another shout-out to the hard working laborers of the world.

The men and women who break their backs every day so that we can have safe roads and beautiful buildings......

Here's to You!!

By the way....if anyone needs anything hammered or nailed....just give me a shout!!! I could use the extra money!! ;o)

HHNT Everyone!!!

XO - Tool Belt Diva

Bella Boo's First Birthday.....

2007-06-13T09:27:00.001-04:00

For those of you who have been around for awhile, you have to remember the new addition born into the family last year.....right in the middle of my divorce and other dramas....

I still can't believe it's already been a year.

My sister, brother-in-law and my nieces are up in New York at Ft. Drum, and she emailed me pictures from the "celebration". My parents and I sure hated missing her first birthday.

Bella's "big" present was getting to eat her first ever Happy Meal!! Whoo Hoo!!

I'm sure there will be many more to come!!! ;o)

I love the look that Bella is giving Melly!!

How can anyone resist that face???

Or this one????

My sister, Bella, and one of the gifts I sent!! Emmy says that the book is Bella's new chew toy!!

Obligatory Cake/Face Picture...What a Great Daddy!!!

Just thought I'd share a picture update of the fam.

Hope everyone has a great day!!

XO - Jen

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Just Jen Edition

2007-06-07T10:38:00.000-04:00

I was able to get my hands on a working camera yesterday, so I get to actively participate in HNT this week. I'm so excited about that!!

I decided to name this week's edition "Just Jen" because I think that's what these pictures represent. Just lil ole' me - nothing spectacular - no special poses - just me in my room snapping pictures. Hope you like them. I had a blast doing it!

Unlike my Pink Taco edition, there are no sexual overtones to the Pink Pony Pub - it's just one of my souvenirs from my vacation. This bar is a really kick-ass place. Plus, I look good in the shirt!! LMAO

I started cracking up after I saw this one. Sometimes my boobs DO get in the way!!!

Which is why I had to change angles - and why I was laughing in this picture!! ;o)

I know I'm a good person - and I have so much love in my heart. I want to find that special person who wants to be MY partner in this crazy ass world we live in. Someone who will throw caution to the wind like I do, and just run with what their heart says!! Life is too short to second guess your feelings. That's why I have always lived my life the way I have. I may have regretted some of my actions, but at least I know I have always been true to my heart.

It's hard for a person with a free spirit and loving soul to watch the way things unfold in this world. To watch people withhold their true feelings to avoid getting hurt. It gets harder and harder for me to believe in the magic of true love. To believe that people do want to find that someone who completes them - that someone who makes them want to be a better person - that someone who will be your partner in life - no matter what comes at you. Someone you can count on - someone you know won't run at the first sign of trouble. Does that even exist anymore? I sure hope it does - because that is really all I want or need in this world.

Give people more than they expect, and do it with grace and sincerity.

Marry the person you love to talk to. As you get older that will be as important as anything else.

Don't believe everything you hear or read, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

When you say, "I LOVE YOU", mean it.

When you apologize to someone - look them in the eye.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at someone's dream. People who don't dream - don't have much.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

When you have a disagreement, fight fair.

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Remember the three "R's" - Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for your actions.

Don't let a little dispute ruin a great friendship.

When you make a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Oh yeah, and last but not least.....try to fall for someone with a great ass....

HHNT Everyone!!

XO - ~Justjen~

Happy Hump Day!

2007-06-06T11:49:00.001-04:00

TMI Tuesday - Part 14

2007-06-05T10:22:00.001-04:00

1. Should guys wear pink?

There are some guys who can really pull this color off, and when they do, I think it's pretty hot!

2. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?

99.9% of the time it's with my eyes closed!!

3. What is the first "non-physical" feature you tend to notice about a person you find attractive?

Their sense of humor. I also like to watch how they handle a stressful situation. I think that says alot about a person.

4. Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

Of course!! And, I hope to do so again very soon!!

5. Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex?

Really, any kind of amazing sex is wonderful!! That's a hard question, but I think I'll go with amazing sex.

Bonus (as in optional): If you could say anything you wanted anonymously to anyone, without identifying that person, what would you say?

I actually have several things I want to say!! The first would be that I wish you would have tried harder for me. I wish you would have remembered everything I had done for you and how many times I had been there for you before you threw me away like an old newspaper.

The second thing I want to say is that I hope you realize how lucky you are to have someone who would do anything in the world for you. How lucky you are that I don't let past relationships hinder my ability to love again. Because I will always love someone new just like it was the first time.

XO - Jen

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 05.31.07

2007-05-30T23:11:00.001-04:00

Three Things in Life That, Once Gone, Never Come Back:

Time
Words
Opportunity

Three Things in Life That Can Destroy a Person:

Anger
Pride
Unforgiveness

Three Things in Life That You Should Never Lose:

Hope
Peace
Honesty

Three Things in Life That Are Most Valuable:

Love
Family & Friends
Kindness

Three Things in Life That Are Never Certain:

Fortune
Success
Dreams

Three Things That Make a Person:

Commitment
Sincerity
Hard Work

What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for it? Would you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have.

Happy HNT Everyone!!

I wish you all a very blessed day!!

XOXO - ~Jenthankful~

Post Holiday Blues....

2007-05-29T10:53:00.000-04:00

I love having a long weekend!! But, for some reason, the work week after a long weekend is just brutal. I've never been able to figure that out!!

I had a really relaxing weekend, with lots of good food and good company. Did some work in the yard, and basically just stayed home the entire weekend.

Made my cemetery runs yesterday in keeping with the holiday. That's never the most exciting thing in the world, but it did make me feel good!!

This camera deal is really wearing on my nerves!! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is for me to not have my best buddy around anymore??? I guess that's the next thing I'm going to save up for.

Anyhoo, that's really all I've got time for today. But, I do have a question for the readers out there:

How long do you have to be with someone before you say "I Love You"? AND, how long would you wait for someone to say that to you??

XO - Jen

Friday Funny

2007-05-25T11:21:00.001-04:00

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Vacation Edition II

2007-05-24T10:17:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty bummed out about HNT this week. You all know how much I love my camera.

Not having one sucks major ass!

Anyhoo.....I was able to take a few pictures while I was on vacation. These aren't the sexiest things I've ever seen, but what can I do??? At least I've got something to post.

I was amazed at how calm the water was behind me!! It was almost eerie!! I'm not really sure why I look so sad in this picture!! I think I was just hungover!!

Obligatory Balcony Shot!

For all the foot fetish people out there!!

I just loved this shot for some reason!! I like how the clouds are hanging so low in the background!!!

Leaving our mark at the Pirates Cove!!

Wish I could have posted more. I really, really, really need to get another camera. Photography is my therapy!!!

I hope you are all doing well. I wish you nothing but the best!!

Much Love - Jencameraless

I Am Alive....

2007-05-23T11:22:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been so busy since I've been back from vacation. I promise to post something worthwhile tomorrow. I'm still trying to decide how to do my HNT without a camera!! A definite challenge.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm alive.

Update #3 - Finally......

2007-05-14T14:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally landed in Gulf Shores, Alabama yesterday at about 6:00 p.m. Got a pretty decent room with an ocean view, and walked down the beach for a beer or two. Pretty lazy day considering I was worn out, exhausted, frustrated and everything else. Can you believe that even as far away as I am, some of the area has smoke here too!! Oh well....I'm determined not to let it get me down. I swore to myself that I was going to have a kick-ass time, and I meant it!!

I'm trying to decide on my splurge this trip. Either a massage or a new tattoo. I'm seriously torn.

BTW: I have no internet access in my room, so I may not be able to post everyday. The cool thing is..all I have to do to get access is drive to the library right down the street and pull in their parking lot. Instant access. So, right now, I'm sitting in the car typing this post. That's just too cool.

I'll try to check in later. See ya!!

Update #2 - If You're Gonna Fuck Me, At Least Pull My Hair.....

2007-05-13T02:32:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the crass title, but give me a break, will ya????

It's 2:33 a.m. and I'm sitting in my room about to have a nervous breakdown. I am at about 200 miles or so from the Florida line in Georgia. I turn the TV on and the first thing I see is CNN talking about 217 wild-fires in the State of Florida. The entire state is pretty much under a cloud of smoke. There are hundreds of birds falling dead from the sky. Literally......Why didn't I know about this shit??? Why didn't the million people I told about my vacation, say anything about the disaster going on here? I know I've been having a bad week, but I honest-to-God CANNOT believe I didn't see the news on this......Why can't I have even a moment - let alone an entire day - of just pure bliss? I have been looking forward to this trip for so long, and now here I sit in some po'dunk town that quits selling beer at midnight. (Good thing I stocked up!!).

I think I'm heading to Gulf Shores maybe.......of course, if any of you know me by now, I roll with the punches baby!! That's how us Kentucky chicks roll......LMAO SHIT SHIT DAMN IT@@@KDJFSKJDSHFJSDHFKJHDS:HFJDSHFJDSHF

I just can't believe that the week I take my vacation, the entire State I'm going to.... is on FIRE!!!! Is God trying to tell me something???

Oh yeah, and don't even get me started on the story of what happened in the car. Needless to say, I got burnt (albeit, not severely), plastic got broken (you had to be there.....), a cuticle cutter got broken (again, had to be there......) and I think I witnessed a serious crime, but I can't be sure.......

It's mindblowing......Insanity. (no pun intended!)

Stay Tuned......

XO - Jen

Travel Update.....

2007-05-12T22:47:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Saturday night and I'm sitting in a motel in Perry, Georgia. Interstate 75 has been shut down at the Georgia/Florida line because of the brush fire that's been raging for weeks.....what friggin' rock do I live under that I had no idea any of this was going on??? That's Jen luck again......

Regardless of that fact, it feels good just to be on the road and away from home. I'm going to relax in my room, drink a few beers, get a good night's sleep and head to my final destination - Miami. Do any of you think I can raise some hell down there? LMAO

I can't wait to get there.....

Lucky for me, I've got wireless access in my room.....God only knows what kind of posts I can do from the road!!!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!

Much Love, Jinsane

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 05.10.07

2007-05-10T10:13:00.000-04:00

I know I've been MIA for a week, and I sincerely apologize. Life just gets in the way sometimes. It's been another roller-coaster ride, but what else is new?

Quick Recap:

My baby girl, Kloie, is doing just fine after being hit by a car. She's my miracle puppy!!!

My prayers were answered in a round-about way, which is usually the way it works.

Derby has come and gone, and I really just wasn't into it this year.

I had my mom over for a Mother's Day dinner last night and we had the best time. I always have so much fun with her, and I am so glad that we are finally making the time for each other. We grilled out in the backyard, and planted some flowers. Drank a few bourbon and cokes. It was a really nice evening, and one that I'll remember for a long time.

So....I'm on vacation next week. I am literally taking what little money I have managed to save, and I'm heading South. No destination in mind, no reservations made. I'm just getting in the car and going. I'm pretty excited about it. I am hoping to have many adventures to relate when I get back.

OK - now on to HNT. Here's some more Jen luck for ya......As soon as I hit the button to take some pictures, my camera makes a loud popping noise and goes dead. So, I have no idea what to do about future HNT's. At least I got one shot off. The color is distorted and I have no idea what happened. It's not the best shot, but it has to do.

I hope everyone is well. Happy HNT!!!

Geeeez...........

2007-05-04T09:18:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah, by the way, it's Derby weekend!!! Whatever........

Please Pray For Me....

2007-05-02T10:49:00.000-04:00

Please pray for me today!! I'm awaiting an answer that means pretty much life or death to me....well, not life or death, but pretty damn close.

I'm so stressed out....

Please God....just give me a break today.

Does It Ever End???

2007-04-30T12:18:00.000-04:00

I took the dogs to the country this weekend for a nice relaxing day in the sun...only to have my precious baby, Kloie, get hit by a car. She is OK....but bruised and sore.

I am just so sick to my stomach that I can't even post anything else today.

TGIF

2007-04-27T14:39:00.000-04:00

Much Love - Jen

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Soulmate Edition

2007-04-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

My Soulmate would gently move the hair away from my face, so he could look into my eyes when he kisses me. He would hold my hand while we stood in line at the store, and sing to me at random moments. He would get mad at someone if they were mean to me, and call me three times a day if he went out of town. He would listen to me gossip and just smile and agree. He would throw a pillow at me when I acted stupid, and then kiss me a million times until I laughed hysterically. He would tell all his friends about me and smile as he did so.

I would love seeing his car pull up in the driveway, and getting butterflies as he walked up to the front door. I would love watching him think hard about something. I would love to watch him talking on the phone. I would love to watch him shave.

He would make out with me in the pouring rain, and NEVER be afraid to say "I Love You". He would argue with me about silly things then make up just as easily. He would kiss me at midnight on New Years and count the stars with me. He would stay home with me on a Friday night just to watch me make dinner, and then snuggle with me under the same blanket watching TV. He would tell me I'm beautiful, but not too often. He would make me laugh like no one else could. He would be my best friend and never break my heart.

I would love to watch him sleep. I would love catching him staring at me. I would love all of the little traditions that we would create together. I would love the way he looks at me.

He wouldn't mind if I ate more than he did, and would listen to all of my long pointless stories. He wouldn’t mind my sarcasm. He would shout the words of my favorite 80's songs with me in the car. He would talk to me about anything and everything. He wouldn’t care if I acted crazy and weird sometimes, because he loves that about me. He would laugh at my stupid jokes, but then tell me that they were stupid, and we’d laugh together.

I would love to watch him work in the yard, or playing with my dogs. I would love watching his expressions as he told me a story. I would love laying my head on his chest in the middle of a Sunday. I would love just sitting beside him.

He would never take me for granted or mistreat me. He would make me feel like we were the only two people in a room. He would have as much fun with me at a work function, as he would at a dive-bar singing karaoke. He would want to tell me his opinions, and would genuinely want to hear mine. He would love the smell of my hair and the sound of my heartbeat. He would love me enough to talk about a future and a family with me.

He would love the fact that I'm a carefree-tattooed-outspoken-fuck-everyone-it's-my-life-not-yours-kind of person, and not just because I'm pretty.

"Tough girls come from New York. Sweet girls, they're from Georgia. But us Kentucky girls, we have fire and ice in our blood. We can ride horses, be a debutante, throw left hooks, and drink with the boys, all the while making sweet tea, darlin'. And if we have an opinion, you know you're gonna hear it." ~Ashley Judd ~

HAPPY HNT EVERYONE!!

Much Love, as Always - Jenwishin'

Humpity Humpity Hump....

2007-04-25T10:48:00.000-04:00

I've been in such a weird mood since I went to the funeral home yesterday. Not that going to the funeral home is ever fun, but it really got to me this time.

Trust me, I'm not complaining - it could be my family that just suffered a loss. I am definitely counting my blessings, but I can't shake this strange feeling.

Not in the mood to post today, but wanted to at least post something. I didn't want to break my posting streak.

I hope you all have a great day!!! XO - Jen

If Only It Was Always This Easy.....

2007-04-24T11:40:00.000-04:00

So Sad......

2007-04-23T10:36:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty good weekend. My mom left with Melly on Saturday to head back to New York. I went over there for dinner on Friday night and had a very nice evening. We just sat on the porch and watched Melly play in the yard. Of course, I took a thousand pictures....

On Saturday I headed to the country with the dogs. They had such a blast running wild. I also took a thousand pictures of them.

That was before I hit the wrong button and deleted every single picture.....187 of them to be exact....off the camera. I had to sit down and cry for about 15 minutes. I lost all the ones I took while my sister was in town, all the ones of the baby and Melly. I was just sick.

I spent yesterday sitting in the backyard, just enjoying the sun and the breeze. It was a very nice day....extremely relaxing.

I get to work this morning to discover that my boss' dad passed away yesterday. What a shame! I know that he has been sick for a very long time, so I guess you could say it is a blessing. But, I know it doesn't feel that way to her now.

I've got tons to do today, so that's all for now.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!! XO - Jen

Derby Festival Kickoff....And Other Things.....

2007-04-20T10:48:00.000-04:00

I have a few different things to post about today, so bear with me.

PART I:

My sister, bro-in-law and Bella Boo are headed back to New York this morning. God, I will miss them so much. It almost hurts me to see them when they are in town for such a short period, because it's the same heartache all over again when they leave. Melly is staying in town for one more night and then my mom is flying back up to New York to spend a week before coming back home. She is going to be so heart-broken to leave them. Those babies are her world.

We all went out to dinner last night and had a really good time. My sister then came back to my house and cut my hair and watched Grey's Anatomy with me. I REALLY enjoyed it. I wish she could have stayed over for a few more hours. We ALWAYS have so much fun when we get together....and that makes me miss her even more.

I really enjoyed spending time with Bella too. Remember, she was born here last June, while her Dad was in Afghanistan, and then when he returned, they had to go back to the base in New York. So, I haven't had as much time to bond with her as I had with Melly. Regardless, she is just precious!! My sister definitely has two gorgeous children!!!

My mom took this last night as I was saying goodbye to Bella. I sure do love having babies around!!! She is such a handful!

PART II:

I hope this gives everyone else chills, as much as it did me.

I got this email Wednesday right before I was heading over to my parents' house to see Melly. I thought it was the greatest story, and one that I will always remember. Please take a second to read it - it's really short.....but worth it.

Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."

OK...now I am really going somewhere with this....

My mom, sister, Melly and I are HUGE zoo freaks. We are members of our local zoo, and went every Saturday during Summer when they were home. We love the animals and it's great exercise!! Anyway, mom and I had just gone to the zoo the weekend before. We have a new baby elephant there that is just the cutest thing. As mom and I were walking out of the zoo, I fell in love with a baby elephant stuffed animal. It was just so sweet looking and had huge blue eyes like Melly. I told mom I wish I wasn't so old and broke, because I would really love to have it. It was just adorable.

Long story short.....they had taken Melly to the zoo earlier on Wednesday, and her Daddy bought her that stuffed elephant. I told her how much I had loved it when I was at the zoo, and that it was so cute and reminded me of her. I spent a couple more hours over there before it was time for me to leave. And, of course, I started crying. I just love that child so much....and I wish so badly that they lived here.

I started to walk out the door and Melly came running up behind me. She said, "Aunt Jen-Jen....here", and handed me the elephant. She said, "You look so sad, why don't you take the elephant and you can always think of me." I looked at her with those innocent six-year-old beautiful eyes and sweet smile....and immediately thought of the child in that email. It was so weird to read something like that right before I went for my visit, and then have her do almost the same thing. It was just so moving for me. Of course, I didn't take the elephant, even though I secretly wanted it!! LMAO!

It was just one of those sweet moments I will ALWAYS remember.

PART III:

Tomorrow is the kick-off to the Derby Festival....Thunder Over Louisville. If you all have never heard of this or seen it, you should really check out my post from last year....should be in late April. It is one of the biggest firework displays in the nation and is just an awesome sight. Plus, it kicks off two weeks of madness in Louisville. The Derby is coming folks, which means Summer isn't far behind.

I hope you guys have a great weekend. I'm going to try.

Remember: Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

XO - Jinsane

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Curves Edition

2007-04-19T09:30:00.000-04:00

There is something about the curves of a woman's body, that is just undeniable. God definitely knew what he was doing when he created us, but then again....he is a man!!! LMAO

As I sat home alone last night, I was thinking about what to do for HNT, and basically just HNT in general. It dawned on me for the first time, how much I've blossomed since I started doing this over a year ago. I never took pictures of myself in any way, let alone half-nekkid. I think it was the photography part that got me interested, because we all know I love pictures. But, I have definitely become more confident since I started, and I have all of you to thank for that. Thanks for the wonderful comments, the support and the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

I really wanted to snap a shot that best captured a woman's curves, from my point of view.....not the standard shots and angles you see all the time. I hope I did us women some justice!

Until next time, I hope you all have a sexy day!! HHNT!!!

XO - Jencurvalicious

Wednesday Whinings....

2007-04-18T10:26:00.000-04:00

I finally decided to start spending some more time outside in my yard, talking to my neighbors and just enjoying my house. It's been a long two years, and after the divorce, I pretty much became a hermit. So....when I got home last night, I changed clothes, grabbed a beer, turned up the stereo and just enjoyed my dogs. It was a really nice night......for about five minutes.

One of my neighbors, whose backyard is right behind mine, was sitting outside with his dog, and I decided to walk over and have a chat. It had been almost two years since I had talked to him (isn't that crazy?), and hadn't spoken to him at all since I brought the new dog home (if you all remember, Jada is the one that I drove all the way to New York to get from my sister when her husband was deployed). I just wanted to make sure that Jada wasn't terrorizing him or his little dog. He proceeded to tell me all the things he's witnessesed between my two dogs and how Kloie just lost her sparkle when Jada came on the scene. That she was depressed for months, she quit playing with his dog and just basically gave up. Of course, she's my baby, so I have noticed this also, and it's very upsetting to me. You would think that Kloie would have been the aggressor....the one defending her yard...her house. But this is not the case. Don't get me wrong, they play together and get along great, but it just saddens me that Kloie doesn't play as much, and that she lets Jada punk her out all the time.

For anyone who has dogs, you know how much personality they have. How much they bring to your life. And, especially with me having no children...these dogs are my life. But you all know that already. I just hate that I have brought this depression on my baby girl. I thought she would love to have a playmate....but Jada destroys all of the toys and pretty much just completely changed everything that Kloie was used to. Maybe I should call The Dog Whisperer. LMAO

After all of this transpired, and I decided to pop another beer, I went to sit down and relax. My phone rings before my ass even hits the seat, and it's my ex-husband (who I've spoken to only twice in the last nine months).

He proceeds to rant and rave for the next 40 minutes about a joint loan we still have and I just wanted to scream. I was already depressed enough over the dog situation, and the last thing I wanted to do was listen to his mouth. Mind you.....I had already downed that second beer during his tirade and was seriously wanting another one.

I finally hang up with him and proceed to beer #3, when my phone rings again. This time, it's a good buddy of mine.

I'm thinking...finally....something that's not depressing. Well, guess what? He was in a bad wreck on Friday, that involved two other cars and, worst of all, alcohol. He's now being charged with four felonies. Because of the fact that I work in the legal field, and everyone I know assumes I can get them out of anything, he called wanting advice and asked me to meet him at the Courthouse this morning. I told him I'd be there and tried to explain the process.....while finishing beer #3 and deciding that I really "needed" another one.

I finally hung up with him after 30+ minutes and decided to just go to bed.....by this time I had already spent almost three hours outside and didn't get to enjoy a single second of it.

My intention this morning was to get to work a little early, so that I could take some time to meet my buddy at Court. As soon as I rounded the corner to my office, my desk phone started ringing, and I'm thinking, "Already? The office isn't even open yet!" It was my boss calling to tell me that her father had a heart attack last night and she was calling to say she wouldn't be in, and that I needed to clear her schedule for the next few days.

In summary....my point is this: My life might suck right now (and has for some time), and I might complain about it, but at least I'm not a dog who has no toys; I'm not married to an abusive, self-absorbed ass anymore; I'm not being charged with four felonies; my dad is in good health; and I still have 9 beers left out of that 12-pack I bought yesterday.

Happy Hump Day Everyone!!

~Live, Love & Learn~ XO - Jen

The Day After Monday.....

2007-04-17T11:13:00.000-04:00

I got to see my sister and brother-in-law last night for the first time in months. It was so great to see them. I'm just so happy for them and both of our families that he made it home safe from Afghanistan. I'm just heartsick that he has to go back.

Sometimes I feel like the poor relation, or the relative that you dread going to visit. Maybe it's because they are young, or maybe it's because they have so many other things going on...but I hate the feeling that I'm the one that makes them constantly look at their watch to see if they've spent sufficient time before darting out the door. Who knows, maybe I really am just TOO sensitive.

As you all know, I wrote a pretty heart-felt post a week or so ago about my sister. I was really hoping that she would have seen it, because she checks my blog out on a semi-regular basis. Anyway, it's already come and gone and she doesn't even know it was there. That's one thing that sorta sucks about blogging. It's like, once the post moves off the front page - it's forgotten. It's just one of those things. I just hate the fact that she never got a chance to read it.

I'm pretty much the only one on my family that wears my heart on my sleeve, who likes to talk about everything, get my feelings out, etc., etc. I don't have alot of in-depth conversations with my family because I think sometimes it makes them uncomfortable. They just aren't like that. So....the best way for me to pass these feelings on to my sister was to blog about it.....well, that didn't work!!! Figures. I love her so much, and I don't think she realizes just how much.

Anyhoo....I didn't get to see the babies last night, but I do have some updated pictures. Hope you enjoy:

I think I might start calling her "chunk". I just love her little pudgy arms.

Melly is so ME made over....God help her!!!

Sis, Ryan and Melly......I love to see them smile!!

I'm really excited to be blogging daily again.....it makes me feel good.

I hope you all have a great day!!!

~Love, Peace and Bacon Grease~

Jinsane

Monday Moaning.....

2007-04-16T13:37:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not going to have a bitchy post today!! I refuse to do it. Don't get me wrong, everything is still bothering me, but I've decided to take a day off in the worry department. I can't pay shit with money I don't have. So there!!!!

Good news!! My sister, bro-in-law and the babies are in town for a week. I'm so excited to see them. I just wish they could stay longer. Of course, I'll take plenty of pictures so that I can show off the beauties. I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful weekend!!

Smooches!!

I'm Sick and Tired.....

2007-04-13T11:26:00.000-04:00

These last two and a half years have drained me so completely, I'm not sure I'll ever recover. This financial strain is weighing so heavily on my mind and my soul, that I can't think about anything else. I only get paid twice a month. I just got paid today and I'm not even close to having enough to pay everything that is due. So, not only do I not have enough to pay what's due, I'm completely broke again until April 30th. It seems that every time I have enough to get by, something happens. I was out sick and missed some work, my car broke down....blah blah blah..........

The collection phone calls are coming every five minutes. My heart sinks every time my phone rings.

Sometimes, I wish I was shallow enough to get with some old rich man who would take care of me. But then, I remember that I'm Jen - and I don't do shit like that. It's just so fuckin hard some days to get out of bed.

I know we've all been there and done that....I just wish I could say I've "been there, done that"...instead of, "I'm still there and I'm still doing that". FUCK!!

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Guilty Pleasure Edition

2007-04-12T09:23:00.000-04:00

My guilty pleasures include:

Reading my weekly gossip mags;

Stopping everything to watch Lost on Wednesdays;

Sneaking that last spoonful of ice-cream right before bed;

Dancing naked around the house when I'm alone;

Going to the lingerie store, even if I don't buy anything;

Sitting on my porch at night and just listening in silence;

Lighting every candle in the house and just relaxing in the dark;

The occasional lottery ticket;

Buying a CD by someone I've never heard of before; and

Shooting my HNT every week.

I have a million more guilty pleasures, but I can't give away all of my secrets in one post, now can I???

What are some of your guilty pleasures??

HHNT Everyone!!! I hope you all have a sexy, guilt-free day!!!

XO - Jenalicious

Happy Day Before Thursday!!

2007-04-11T10:53:00.000-04:00

Hmmmmm.....

2007-04-10T09:54:00.000-04:00

I'm not attracted to unavailable men. I do, however, seem to gravitate towards the ones that resist commitment. Of course, what man doesn't?? I love people so deeply and care so much for them, that sometimes it hurts me when they don't return those feelings. It seems that I'm always trying to make up for something that someone else did to them. I try to prove to them that not everyone will hurt them, cheat on them, or take them for everything they have. I'm not like that....and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one. It's hard to overcome wrongs done by others. Especially, when those are things I would never dream of doing to someone. I've had it done to me enough, you know?

I'm just rambling.....you know, like in the good ole' days? Just ignore me.

www.hostdrjack.com

Nevermind.....

2007-04-09T16:35:00.001-04:00

How many more times in my life am I going to give my heart to someone who doesn't want it?

It's Monday....Again....

2007-04-09T10:44:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend. Mine was pretty busy.

I actually got offered a job this weekend.....but it's in Cincinnati. It would be a great move for me, but I've got alot to think about. What will I do with my house? My dogs? Can I afford to stay there during the week and commute home on the weekends? It's going to be a crazy time while I'm deciding on this new venture. I don't have to make an immediate decision, as the job won't start for about four months, but if I'm going to take it, I need to start making plans now. Geez......

The benefit went really well Saturday night. Almost $15,000.00 was raised, which is awesome!!! She has such a good heart and great spirit. I'm hopeful that she will beat the cancer

My ex called this morning. What a shocker!!! I haven't talked to him in so long. It was a really weird experience. Of course, the first thing I said was, "What are you going to yell at me about now?" But, actually, he was very nice.....which always throws me off. He's on vacation this week, and getting ready to buy a new house, so he wanted to talk to me about some financial things. My car is still in both of our names, and, of course, he wants his name off the car. Of course, I can understand this....but I'm having a hard enough time just trying to keep my house. There is no bank on the planet that will refinance my loan. I've already tried. So....of course, this makes me feel like shit....but what else is new?

I'm just venting....it's Monday and I'm already exhausted and disgusted.

www.hostdrjack.com

T.G.I.F.

2007-04-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

Well, I survived another week!! That's always a blessing.

Tomorrow night my family is holding a benefit for my cousin's 26 year-old girlfriend, who has cancer. We will be singing, dancing, partying....and raffling off some cool prizes. It should be a pretty good time, and it's definitely for a good cause. So, here's hoping we raise mucho dinero for her and her family.

My mom is in New York visiting my sister right now. I know she is so happy to be around the babies again. I'd give anything to be able to go visit.

Other than that.....I don't have much to say today. Except, I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend!!

www.hostdrjack.com

Peace and Love - Jen - XO

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Morning Edition

2007-04-05T09:38:00.000-04:00

I was at a total loss this week. I wanted to try and do some sort of Easter theme, but then I felt guilty for wanting to team up nekkidness with Jesus. So, you get to see me getting ready for work this morning instead!!!

I hope you all have a great day!!! Happy HNT to everyone!

Faith, Hope and Love - Jen -XO

Happy Hump Day

2007-04-04T10:51:00.000-04:00

www.hostdrjack.com

Tuesday Funny.....

2007-04-03T14:08:00.000-04:00

ENOUGH SAID!!

Blogiversary....Blah....Blah....Blah

2007-03-30T11:14:00.000-04:00

Well kiddies!! It’s been two years since I started my blog - and this is my 400th post!! Whoo Hoo!!

So....here are my thoughts after the last two years....I’ve learned nothing.

So much for the big motivational post, right? It’s the same old shit....I’m clueless. I’ve learned nothing, except the fact that I continue to repeat my same old mistakes. I’m a friggin idiot.

I have been drafting this post for some time...it will probably make no sense, because I just jotted down thoughts as they came to me. Parts of this post are from different days.....different emotions...different thoughts....so it will probably sound like a very bad bipolar episode, but what the hell??

Here goes nothing......and everything....

I'm tired of being the girl on the sidelines. The one that everyone thinks is cool and sweet and fun, but never the one that anyone wants to make a serious commitment to. I take the utmost pride in being the type of woman that any man can get along with, even at the sacrifice of having girlfriends. I'm not a woman who is into material things, but of things that really matter. Family, friends, love, affection - you know - the stuff that really matters at the end of the day.

The problem with that is....that the men in my life get so used to me being one of the guys, that they forget that I'm their girlfriend. I'm the one who spends every waking moment of every day thinking about them. Making sure they have everything they need.....am I being selfish to want someone to do those things for me...even just once in awhile? I hate when I get on these rants, because it basically nullifies everything that I'm saying I am....but c'mon even saints have days where they feel taken for granted, right????

I got my horoscope while I was drafting this post and I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is what it said:

There is a power shift going on in your life, and it appears that other people have more power over you than you have over yourself! It is wonderful to be considerate of others, but overdoing that can be a bit ridiculous. Do not let other people affect your schedule today. A last-minute request from a friend shouldn't cause you to drop everything and mount an extensive rescue operation. Take care of yourself first, and remind other people that you can't be taken for granted.

Now, if that doesn’t fit into my current mood, I have no idea what does!! It’s amazing how dead-on those things are sometimes .

Sometimes I’m made to feel that the one moment when I choose to speak up - which trust me, isn't often - that I'm making some big scene or ruining the moment - well FUCK THAT! I do EVERYTHING for everyone around me. Don't I get a chance to have a bad day or be in a bad mood? I get sick even typing that. I'm not a whiner - even though I do that a lot on here - but isn't that the point of my blog in the first place??? Just to have a place to bitch? It’s hard for me though. After I started this blog, people in my "real life" wanted the address. Then I felt like I had to censor things I wanted to say, or couldn’t put what I really felt down because someone always takes it wrong and I have to explain. Well, you know what? I’m done doing that. This is my page. My space to put WHATEVER I WANT. So, you people out there, and you know who are....don’t take offense to anything I say. They are just my thoughts and feelings, and you know what? I’m entitled to them.

I look around when I get in moods like this and I have no one - any person my age, who would even remotely understand where I'm coming from, is either married, has kids, or is too out of their minds to even comprehend what I'm saying. I think I got a lot of this from my mother. She had me and got married extremely young, and has spent her entire life making it about the family. She doesn’t have a lot of friends, and she’s OK with that. I’m not. I'm a dying breed. Being a single, mid-30's, white female with no real friends and no children. I'm destined to be alone. The old chick with 200 cats.....of course, in my case that would be dogs.....

Long story short.....it feels like the old days - when I first started this blog. It's 1:28 in the morning, and I'm up rambling. I hope everyone who wanted me to start blogging like I used to is ready for the onslaught - because it's a comin....

I think alot about the relationships in my life...the ones I've had and lost, the ones I've just started, and I've come to some serious revelations about a few things. Especially, when it comes to my sister. My sister is like my child. I was almost 13 years old when she was born. I was so excited that I was finally going to have a brother or sister - I couldn't wait for her to be born. My parents put her nursery right across the hall from my room - their room was upstairs. So, needless to say, I was the one up with her every night...feeding her, rocking her to sleep. She was my little angel. I formed a bond with her that I will always have.

As she started getting older, she would sleep with me every night. She was my little snuggle buddy. When I left home at 17 - all I could think about was me. A young, stupid, selfish teenager. I have just realized over the last two years what that must have been like for her. To have me around all the time, and then one day, I just up and leave. She went from having her big sis around and sleeping with me, to having nothing just like that. I feel so guilty for that - even today. The strange part is, I'm mourning a relationship that I feel like I've lost, when she probably doesn't even remember any of the things that bond me to her. Isn't that strange? I've lost something that she probably isn't even aware of - and it hurts me. I love my family so much, but I've always felt like the outsider. It's a weird place to be. I feel sometimes that the problems my sister has with her self-esteem, with girlfriends, etc. etc. is partly my fault, because I wasn't there for her. She grew up alone, just like I did. And we are alot more alike than she realizes. We both don't have alot of friends, and we both base our entire lives around someone else's. I feel sorry for both of us sometimes....

Now she lives halfway across the country and she's lonely - just like I am. I hope that when she comes back home for good, that we can try to have the relationship we should have. Her and I are the new generation, and we need to try and keep our family together. I hope that we can.

Don’t get me wrong. I am pretty happy these days. I just have my moments, like everyone else. And the more I sat thinking back over the last two years, in preparation of making this post, I realized that I’m pretty much in the exact same spot I was when I first started blogging....when my world fell apart. I’m still struggling every day to make my life better, to get myself out of this hole I’m in....will the digging ever stop?? Will I ever get a break?

I guess these are questions for me to answer over the next two years.

Peace, Love and all that Mushy Stuff - Jenpolar - XO

Half-Nekkid Thursday - 03.29.07

2007-03-29T09:53:00.000-04:00

Today is a sad day for me. Three year's ago today, I had to put my beautiful girl to sleep.

As you all know, since I don't have children, my dogs are my babies. I always get depressed on this anniversary because it was such a hard day for me. To have to kill your dog is not something I wish on anyone.

On the other hand, this is also the anniversary of when I got Kloie.

My aunt brought her to me the same day I buried Zoey.....something about it helping the grieving process.

All I know is that it took me a while to warm up to the new puppy when I first got her, but it's been three years now, and I wouldn't give her up for anything. So, today is an odd mixture of emotions for me.

OK - enough sadness for one day! On to the half-nekkidness.......

I hope everyone has a wickedly sexy day!!

Much Love, as Always - Jinsane XOXO

R.I.P. Zoey Elizabeth

Ahem......

2007-03-28T12:45:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I've been MIA for the last week. I've been in bed with the flu. NOT FUN!!

Anyhoo, just wanted to let everyone know that I'm alive and will be back in full force tomorrow!

XO - Jen

My Girls......

2007-03-21T11:08:00.000-04:00

I haven't done any picture posts lately, so I thought I would update everyone on the loves of my life....my babies and my nieces.

Black Brat #1 - Kloie Belle

Black Brat #2 - Jada Binks

Kloie's "Love On Me" Look

Jada's "Snaggle Face" Look - I love when her lip gets caught on her tooth.....

Bella Boo - Can you guys believe she's almost a year old???

The Princess - Melly Moo

Could Bella be any more gorgeous??

Melly's beautiful smile!!

Melly and Bella enjoying the New York Snow!!

My sis, Emmy, and her husband, Ryan, fresh back from Afghanistan...

My sis and her oldest beauty.....

I only hope that one day, someone loves me enough to want a family with me. And if that ever happens, I hope my family is as beautiful as my sister's!!!

Hope you enjoyed the picture update!!! Have a good one! XO - Jen

Thought for the Day.....

2007-03-20T09:44:00.000-04:00

Hmmmm..............

2007-03-19T14:43:00.000-04:00